You Died

Mr. Jordan Richard

2011-09-15T09:45:00.001-05:00

Mr. Jordan Richard, aged 20 of Fall River, MA died of a malignant brain tumor which was discovered too late subsequently leading to Mr. Richard's death on May 22, 2051. He was the child of Miss Laurene Richard and Mr. Mark Richard. Laurene was a registered nurse for many years and had three boys, one being Jordan, with Mark who was a construction worker. Mr. Richard had plans to marry for years yet he never married. Mr. Richard worked as a Fall River police officer for many years and planned on retiring in his mid 60's. Mr. Richard participated in many sporting events as a young boy and even as an older man. He liked many sports but baseball, basketball, and tennis were his sports of choice on any given day. Mr. Richard took interest and had a strong passion in regards to helping his community and leading people to create a strong and healthy community for all. Mr. Richard was a quite person at times.

Queen Rhea

2011-06-23T08:17:00.000-05:00

Queen Rhea aged 67 ended her battle with leukemia on Jan 19, 2011. She was living just outside of Denver, but then moved to Phoenix so she could be closer to the hospital and doctor who specialized in her specific cancer that invaded her body six years earlier. The loving daughter of Mr. Ernest Rhea and Mrs. Michelle Lance survived by twin sons Jason and Joshua and one daughter Audrey. Her husband of 44 years was Dr. Alexander Macneil, Ph.D. She was an opera singer for 20 years making her debut with Opera Columbus in Ohio followed by a journey to Spain working with some of the finest musicans in the world. A member of the Sister of Delta Zeta Sorority in college she remained an active alumnae, donated frequently to the American Cancer Society (as well as participating in its annual Relay for Life events), and a member of The Rocky Mountain Animal Defense. Everything she participated was done with passion. "I wouldn't change anything about my life, especially my career" friends would often hear her say, and often familiarly reminding them "It's always a rough start when you're in the music business, but with hard work and motivation, it can take off and you'll never want to do anything else." Her love of pets (mostly cats) was infectious; her sister chose to pursue a career as a vet. Happy healthy animals was something the entire family was passionate about. The love, support, and leadership I received from Delta Zeta was something she'll never forget. Just prior to her death, she was overheard speaking of Delta Zeta "[joining] was the best decision I made in college." She was always smiling, laughing and selflessly willing to help others.

Jesikah Maureen Allison

2011-06-22T19:41:00.000-05:00

Ms. Jesikah Maureen Allison aged 87 suffered from "dizzy migraines" which succumbed her during the last few weeks of her life, causing seizure activity eventually taking her life on October 19, 2064. Jesikah was living in Friendship, Maine on a horse ranch with daughter, son-in-law and three grandchildren. She was born and raised in Middleborough, Massachusetts where she raised and began her family, living for 48 years. The child of Jackie and William Allison of Middleborough, Massachusetts and survived by daughter Alexandria Rose Birkett, son Alden George Birkett, sister Amanda Flynn, brother Seth Allison, 9 neices and nephews and 27 grandchildren. Jesikah is fortunate to have a few surviving great friends from her era that she was still regularly in contact with originally from her childhood! Jesikah spent her life with her late companion James Shelley. Though they were not married they were together for 35 years before his passing. Jesikah finished her degrees in psychology and social service in her mid-30's, opening a private practice in Middleborough. Upon finishing her master's in both subjects, she moved to Maine and held a small private practice and working at The University teaching pscychology. Jesikah was a member of the International Order of Rainbow for Girls in Middleborough #58, belonged to Girl Scouts of America during her childhood and continued to support their continued community, started a literary group for writers and lovers of literature at The University, started many community based groups for adolescents and young-adults regarding social pressures and issues within the community, both in Middleborough and Maine sites and was an advid supporter of sea turtles and agencies of their protection. She wrote and read literature for fun and took her passion to form book-reading groups. Jesikah supported her children in all their endeavors, assisting her daughter in creating a successful horse ranch and endless efforts put towards her son's adolescence crisis center in the city of Boston. Jesikah was noble in all of her abilities. She raised her children with pleasure in every step, with their future and needs always in the lead. Her efforts showed within her home, her children's prosperity, their community, her patients and their lives as a whole. As Jesikah would probably say, she was lucky to have had all the adventures and experiences, especially with all of the great people sent on her path of life.

Jennifer R. Brown

2011-02-28T07:05:00.001-05:00

Ms. Brown on left

Jennifer R. Brown, who died on December 5th aged 35, was found by her daughter in bed of an accidental overdose of sleeping pills, autopsy results are pending. She was living in Portage Michigan the loving daughter of Mr and Mrs Lowell Sander, both deceased, she is survived by her two children Ashlee N. Sanders 16 and Bailee J. Brown 6, wed in life to Mr. Keith Brown 33 of Portage, Michigan. Jennifer was the Director of Sales & Marketing for Marriott. She had a great passion for life, dearly loved her children and did everything she could to protect them. She was a beautiful women who loved to bowl, watch movies, play softball and attended as many Michigan football games as she could. She was spontaneous and loved adventure. Donating food and clothing each winter to the less fortuate and never hesitating to help friends were among the many ways she demonstrated her generosity. Jennifer grew up in Three Rivers Michigan; she graduated from Three Rivers High School in 1994 and from Kalamazoo Valley in 1996 with her Associates in Business. She will be dearly missed by all those who knew and loved her and now she joins her mother and father once again that she loved and missed so much.

Jane Elizabeth Costa, 29

2011-02-20T20:42:00.000-05:00

Ms. Jane Elizabeth Costa aged 29 died suddenly after a fatal accident. She grew up in Dartmouth, MA but was living the past several years in New Bedford, MA. She was the daughter of Robert and Judith Snow of Dartmouth. She is survived by her parents, her 13 year old daughter Kyla Marie, two brothers Bob and David Snow, her boyfriend Sean Maiato and several aunts, uncles, cousins, and many friends. She was an administrative assistant for Elizabeth Benoit, LSW and enrolled at Bristol Community College pursuing a nursing degree. Throughout her life Jane participated in many different activities. In high school she played for the varsity girls basketball and soccer teams all four years. She danced at Dancemakers in Fairhaven, MA her entire life. She continued to play indoor soccer at Champs in New Bedford for several years. She also loved skiing in the winter. Jane had many interests in life; she loved spending time with her daughter and her family. She also loved shopping and going to the beach in the summer. She loved to travel throughout the USA and abroad. "She was an amazing, lovable, and caring individual who will be missed tremendously" said a friend at her funeral.

Zuleika Feliciano-Mooney, 81

2011-02-15T20:11:00.002-05:00

Zuleika Feliciano-Mooney, aged 81, was presently living in Dartmouth, Mass. She grew up and lived most of her life in New Bedford. She died of natural causes, peacefully, in her sleep. The child of the late Jaime Feliciano and Zuleika Almodovar. She is survived by daughter Zuleika Z. Lobo, son Jonathan B. Mooney, sisters, Galena Gutierrez, Franchesca Feliciano, Anushka Feliciano, Sasha Serrano, and Marta Almodovar, brother Jaime Feliciano Jr. Lots of grandchildren, great grandchildren, nieces, nephews and cousins, Bradford J. Mooney. She was a Quality Control Technician for Decas Cranberry Sales, Inc for 20 years. She later began teaching as a History Professor at both UMass Dartmouth and Bristol Community College, where she remained currently employed part time. Helped out the Historical Societies in her local area, with researches on historical artifacts and showcases. Zuleika was actively involved in her community, Always wanting an willing to help those in need. She enjoyed long walks on the beach. Vacations with the family. Scrap-booking, cross-stitching, and researching. Zuleika loved to teach history - it was her passion, she loved to read and write. Zuleika was inquisitive about everything in life, determined, persistent, and sometimes argumentative if needed. She always smiled and was kind and helpful to others; she would always put everyone's needs before her's.

Ashley Solup, 92

2010-10-24T21:43:00.000-05:00

Ms Solup

Ashley Solup, aged 92, residing in Boston, grew up in Taunton died of natural causes. Daughter of Ellen and Jeffrey, she is survived by her three children, six grandchildren, and two great grandchildren and wife to wed to Brian Batista. Ashley was a dedicated nurse who worked in several Boston area hospitals during her career, her lifelong goal to help others, achieved. She had a passion in nursing and helping those in the community. She donated to several local and national charities every year. Ashley was sweet, caring, and had a wonderful sense of humor. She loved to meet new people and was loved by all she met. She will be dearly missed.

David Reis, 77

2010-10-22T21:00:00.003-05:00

Mr. David Joseph Reis, aged 77 of Westport, Massachusetts passed away in his mansion on October 10, 2089. The only son of Jose and Debra Reis he is survived by his children, Kingston Reis and Tatiana Reis. Wed to Jocelyn Marie, he was a successful and well known radiologist. Blessed by God and passionate about sports he lived for family gatherings. Very loving, generous, caring - he was always very happy and knew how to make the best out of everything.

Mrs. Katie Medeiros, 78

2010-02-20T21:56:00.001-05:00

A younger Katie Medeiros

Mrs. Katie Medeiros , aged 78, passed away in Cape Coral, Florida where she moved to in 2010 for a job opportunity. She was found Sunday morning, June 3 laying peacefully in her bed. Born in New Bedford, she grew up with siblings Tyler and Jessica. The child of Susan and Philip Medeiros she is survived in death by Hannah Medeiros, 46, and Aden Medeiros, 49, both living in the Cape Coral area with their families. Happily married to Donny Botelho for the past 35 years. Mrs. Medeiros retired at the age of 50; she was the Director of the Human Resources department for Bank of America. She was part of her local church where she did volunteer work and participated in the Community Breast Cancer Walk every year. Lived for family, she was a big part of her grandchildren's life: Lily12, Collen 11, Kalobe 6, and Hayle 3 were fortunate grandchildren indeed. She loved being by the water; it was her dream since childhood. Loved to go boating with her husband every Sunday out on Fort Myers Beach. Enjoyed her family game nights with her children and grandchildren every Friday night, and picking up a good book sitting in the sun and reading until her she felt tired. She was very loving and would do anything for anyone, has the biggest heart and will be deeply missed.

Clay Cauley, 22

2010-02-17T12:16:00.000-05:00

Mr. William Cauley, "Clay" to his friends, aged 22 from Carrollton, KY died and went straight to hell. Friends were surprised he didn't survive a skull crushing he received as a result of his failed base-jumping attempt; his parachute unfortunately failed to open. He is survived by his pet ardvark and will be dearly missed.

Pulkit, 24, plunged from a cliff

2010-02-11T23:17:00.000-05:00

Pulkit, aged 24, from a cottage in the back of great beyond somewhere among the mountains plummeted to her death on November 15th, 2015. She was trying to stop her dog from running off the cliff. He thought she was playing with him and rammed into her legs. Upon impact, she was pushed to the edge. Teetering at the brink, she gave up, in a momentary dream that felt as if it lasted an hour, she believed this to be as good a time as any to take the plunge ... and jumped ... finally free and happy; boys name and all. She is survived by 5 dogs and a million books. Her best friend of many years, Siddarth, has no clue of her whereabouts and will receive all of her possessions. She never married but was dearly in love with Praveen. He had been out of touch with her for the past three years. In life, she sold her soul to put food on table, slaved under bosses she loathed, worked as a journalist, a copy editor and an instructional designer. Despite her trail of literary employment activities, she died with her stories undisclosed - safely stored in her memory (at least some of them). The one book she managed to publish did very well, but the attention and expectations of the immense popularity were intolerable; she receded into oblivion and dropped off the minds of people. Her passions were cooking, eating, frolicking with dogs, traveling, reading, writing and, of course, dreaming. She was a misanthrope and often hated the world in general with no apparent reason. She did not trust it. At All. She wrote short stories, took her dogs for walks, read blogs and considered herself a failed poet - her friends vehemently objected and boasted of her prose. She expressed insecurity, was self-conscious; she was vigorously independent yet indecisive. LIke many poets of her time, she craved attention from those she loved. Many found her fun. She desperately strived to atain peace with herself, instead of within herself but failed at that too. Maybe she died of too many failures. She will be dearly missed.

Queen Brenda Sykes, 84

2010-02-09T20:20:00.001-05:00

Queen Brenda Sykes, 84, died of a broken heart on the 23rd of January, 2076. She resided in Miami, Florida. Originally from Middleboro, Massachusetts, she lived in Taunton ma for 30 years. The daughter of Sharon Harris and Vincent Sykes, she is survived by daughter Jalysa Quinones, Son Darell Avellar, and Son Eryk Brown. A tireless great grandmother to 15 children and great grandmother of 7 great great grandchildren. She was wed to ex basketball star Lebron James. In life, she was a retired social worker, and advocate for troubled children and even coached women's basketball for Florida State for over ten years. She found time to work in multiple homeless shelters across the world. She traveled to Haiti, New Orleans and Africa to help the poor. She loved to smile, laugh, and joke around!! She was easy to talk to and understanding about anything. She was an open minded person. She loved her family and friends ... outgoing, socially interactive, and easy going. She will be missed.

Lord Christopher Thomas Prescott, 80

2010-02-08T08:36:00.002-05:00

Lord Christopher Thomas Prescott, aged 80, was born in a quaint little town in Northern England. He lived there for years and until his untimely death. He spent most of his days in the manor affectionately called Hill Crest. He was ravaged by a contagious disease which took him on October 10, 2069. The only child of Victor Silvia and Claire Prescott, he is survived by a loving wife and two children. Wed to Elizabeth Prescott, he was a self made man of many years in the field of medicine. In addition to his many charitable acts, he spent most of his time simply being a husband and doting father to his children as well as the children of the world. His pursuits in life were romance, fine dining, and selflessly helping the dying and sick. Those that knew him well also knew of the scoundrel's many other women.

updates anyone?

2010-01-22T22:07:00.000-05:00

Been busy and neglecting this little special project. In the next few days, I'll be catching up on recent submissions and working on the new form. It's working now, but needs work. Be patient ... you're dead after all.

-Dave

shaymus, 70

2008-12-15T19:09:00.002-05:00

Mr. Shay (Shaymus) Petty, having spent the better part of his life giving music lessons to dwellers of the White House, especially well-know for giving Bill Clinton saxophone lessons, died aged 70 last Tuesday. He will gladly spend eternity with the sinners.

Born in Green River in 1938, he was the first son of mother Tina and Father Harry whom, in addition to his only sister Trista precede him in death. Spending time in hookah bars was a favorite pastime of his, but ultimately led to his demise while trying to blow the biggest smoke ring in history; an air bubble in bloodstream causing a lethal embolism.

Prior to teaching music in the Whitehouse, he was a teacher and aide to the World Health Organization. He simulataneously held ownership of the Hookah Place on 5th and Main. It was his favorite hangout.

Shaymus O Petty will miss his place in our world.

Mlle. Summer O, 125, saved a peacock

2008-12-10T19:11:00.004-05:00

Mlle. Summer O, spent her life saving all living creatures: from misguided, post-rain earthworms on sidewalks to ladybugs clinging to velcro-like sweaters in early Fall, has died aged 125.

Her passion for all things living would eventually result in her death. Blazing the slick streets of Ethete on her moped (she gave up her automobile license at the age of 85 due to significant cognitive impairment), she swerved to miss a breathtakingly beautiful peacock crossing the road. Swerving at a velocity of 30 mph, she spun off of the road, into the canyon and plunged to her death.

She is preceded in death by friends, Kate, an equally dedicated savior of animals and Pete. She is survived by several family members.

At the time of her death, she was a full time student at Central Wyoming College studying advanced animal rescue techniques in the civility branch of the sociology department. When not saving animals, she read, wrote epitaphs for john and jane does, cruised the streets of Ethete on her moped, listened to Comedian Harmonists, played piano and skillfully played nickel slots until she was kicked out of the casino.

That peacock will miss her.

Faerie, 212, real

2008-12-06T19:09:00.000-05:00

Queen Fairy of Neverland, 212, vanished willingly to join her best friend Tinkerbell. The ascension was attributed to Peter Pan's claim he no longer believed.

A full time faerie who played joyfully on the isle of Neverland with the Lost Boys. She flew, danced and played piccolo for friends. She was best know for her fantastic ability to dance atop a pansy and her daisy home. She thought her life would be endless, like Peter's.

She only regrets never exercising her ability to mess with "that bastard Peter Pan and his Lost Boys' thoughts."

Faeries are real; this one will be missed.

Traci Hinman, 18, nothin' but love

2008-12-03T22:30:00.003-05:00

The village of Hay Springs, Nebraska lost a valued member today. Mme. Traci Hinman, 18, went to the Lord after a skull-crushing base jump failure. She is preceded by her loving parents Doug and Peggy Hinman. She is survived by loving brother and sister David and Danni Jo, Grandma Jean, Dad's three sisters, Mom's three sisters and two dear brothers and all their families. She is also survived by her cherished boyfriend Jace Daly.

At the time of her death she was working on her undergraduate degree at Central Wyoming College. "A hard worker who's compassion was expressed in her thoughtful prose," swollen-eyed Professor Carol Wyong attested. Dr. Wyong was known for her innovative writing assignments; "Traci always rose to the challenge," she said in a proud tone.

Her passions in life were manifold. She loved rodeo, riding horses, the town of Riverton Wyoming, showing 4-H animals, hanging out with her dear friends and loved reading; she loved to learn. She occasionally expressed regret about taking her family and friendships for granted; not being mindful and appreciative. However, no clearer confirmation of the love she had for family and friends was registered than the mournful cries at the closing ceremonies.

She was loved at least as much by all who knew her and will be missed.

Mr. Garrett Nimmo, 18, Roughneck

2008-12-02T21:54:00.001-05:00

Mr. Garrett "Sacajawea" Nimmo, 18 set a blazing trail to Hell. Mr. Nimmo searched for black gold and was considered one of the youngest "roughnecks" to work the Texas rigs. He was annointed the special nickname of Lewis and Clark's guide, Sacajawea, because of his innate sense of where to drill. Exxon geochemical engineers would secretly consult the young roughneck in the search of the precious commodity.

At the age of 16, he left the sleepy county seat of Sublette County, Pinedale, to look for action. He wanted to make a difference, raise some hell and vent some anger characteristic of many young men; his anger would eventually lead to his downfall.

He was hired by Exxon at the age of 16 (he forged documents) to lead them to believe he was 18. He did incredibly well working on a rig in the Gulf. He worked hard as a roughneck. However, his special talents, the way he would earn his nickname, was his ability to spot drilling locations. Exxon geoscientists would take him on expeditions in the gulf to aid their search of lucrative oil supplies; Mr. Nimmo had a remarkable sense no one could explain. He declined lucrative bonuses for this skill opting to live the life of a roughneck. He lived to work, work hard.

One night, while on a two day leave from the rig, he and some buddies went to Yaga's Tropical Cafe/Club in Galveston. A swanky place not exactly appropriate for a quick beer, he and friends stormed in demanding a drink. They were practically ambushed by overdressed patrons. Although most of the patrons were easily tossed aside, one in the big brawl brought the boy named Sacajawea to a lethal end with one sturdy shot to the head with a frosted mug. Mr. Nimmo fell.

His fellow roughnecks who survived took care of Yaga's and miss their fellow co-worker.

King Jonas Arthur Cloud Tip, 37

2008-11-30T19:03:00.000-05:00

King Jonas Arthur "Ping Pong" Cloud Tip, 37, from Ethete swam to the Heavens of the Riverton Aquatic Center. The always mischievous King Tip lifted a pack of cigarettes (he didn't even smoke) from the Pitstop, was chased by the clerk, slipped on some black ice and collided into a speeding school bus. He was dead on impact.

He was preceded in death by his two cousins, J.P. Brown and Romulus; he is survived by his faithful beagles, Ping and Pong.

A savant and wealthy, his still worked as a paper boy. Delivering papers in the pre-dawn hours allowed him time to think of new ideas for his novels. On the other side of the daylight hours, he enjoyed hanging out in the evening smoking pinters and getting drunk on Wild Turkey with his cousins. Considered by many to be absolutely brilliant, his time spent writing was fruitless. He never finished a novel.

His characters will miss never having been fully developed.

Mrs. Rumor Hassit, Karmic Death

2008-11-28T19:11:00.004-05:00

Rumor Hassit, 50, Gossipville, spoken ill of to death. She is survived by her killers; relatives of the people damaged by Mrs. Hassit's words. They comprised a mob who tossed her onto the third rail of the Wonderland MBTA Station just outside of Boston in the city of Revere.

She would be considered by many to be a woman of few hobbies, but Mrs. Hassit was busy from eyes opened until eyes shut firing up the rumor mill of all who crossed her path. She was treacherously relentless in her pursuit of pain.

Her epitaph:

Never Met a Sole Unworthy of her
Sullen Tones of Sloppy Slander
Those Bastards Deserved
Every Damn Word

She will be missed by no man.

Lacey Jane Glenn, 95, BINGO no more

2008-11-26T19:05:00.005-05:00

Lacey Jane Glenn, 95, taken by The One on the way to Bingo. She is preceded in death by her loving husband of 35 years, Zeke Glenn, her loving and only son, a beautiful belly-dancing daughter and survived by hundreds of students who idolized her.

Lacey's lengthy tour on earth was fruitful. Born and raised in Saratoga Wyoming, Lacey's favorite place to go, meditate and gain strength from the hectic pace of life was Saratoga's famous Hobo Hot Pool. In her younger and more adventurous days, she'd meet friends there in the middle of the night after sneaking out of her home and indulge in the hot pool au naturel. On one of these naughty escapades, she met an equally adventurous boy. She managed to steal his shorts and only would give them back if he asked her to the movies. That boy was Zeke. The two dated for many years and eventually made a family.

Lacey's safe persona was a preschool teacher. Her playful ways won over the children immediately but she could not suppress her provocative and sometimes exhibitionist side. It manifested in her belly dancing part-time job. "It was never for the money," she giggled as she provided her life story several years ago to a local reporter.

As she aged and suffered through the deaths of those close to her, at the age of 75, started a nudist commune. It was wildly successful but kept surprisingly secret in Carbon County. There she taught belly dancing, set up rodeo exhibitions, wheelchair racing, drank JD black and was conspicuously lucky at Bingo. She occasionally performed stand up comedy for the commune; she was especially proud of her body, which was lovely into her elder years. Her surviving commune buddies vehemently attested to this fact (standing behind the days headlines as they spoke, offering a salute - of sorts).

Nothing will be quite the same without her.

Gummy, 56. From Handshoe Holler, Dead

2008-11-24T18:49:00.004-05:00

Mr. Frank "Gummy" Pearl, 56, was pushed (without much resistance) into the fiery pits of hell.

Mr. Pearl was from the curvey, slippery slopes of the Appalachian Holler by the name of Handshoe. Population 200 (minus 1). The Holler residents were well known for their remarkable ability to sustain themselves and their way of life by simply hunting for selling ginseng root. When the economy of 2008 snapped and the dollar's value decimated, commodities like ginseng became valuable to barter. "Don't need no 'bility to reed 'n rite to get the root," said a close friend of the Pearl family.

Illiteracy did, however, lead to his death. Upon picking up a textbook out of curiosity, he received deep papercuts; the wounds became infected. After weeks of infection, even amputation was deemed too little, too late to stop the spread of the disease. Although no one would publicly claim his body, the folk of Handshoe, it was rumored, stole him from the morgue in the middle of the night in order to bury him next to a fertile area of ginseng root. They felt his body would transform itself into more root in order to sustain the culture.

A hard worker all his life, Gummy did occasionally have his vices. He did enjoy an opportunity to peek at the ladies who showered in the primitive showers of the village. No one really knows if he was being salacious or curious given his questionable sense of hygiene. He only regrets being caught during these efforts.

The gals will still miss him.

Mrs. Brady S. Lane, will be 97 when dead in 3005

2008-11-23T21:02:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Brandy S. Lane, 97, Riverton, Wyoming, taken by the Angels (reluctantly). Mrs. Lane was walking out of her doublewide at the B&K Mobile Home Park to get the morning paper, she was ambushed and mauled by a pack of rabid wiener dogs on March 22, 3005.

Mrs. Lane is survived in death by 3 daughters and a son. Ginger Snap Bach, Mary Lilly Bach, Daisy Dill Bach and Timothy Don Bach. She is also survived by her loving husband Timothy Bach old, he is the caretaker for their 27 wiener dogs, Maddie, Elly, Pickle, Blueberry, Orange, Apple, Carrot, Ann, Abby, Pinky, Purple, Ethan, Chubaca, Elmo, Cookie, Roger, Billy, Fefe, Foofoo, LooLoo, LaLa, Buggy, Patty, Flower, Money, Pookie, and Fluffy.

After several years of college, Brandy Lane became a nurse for the largest children's hospital in the country, the Texas Children's Hospital. She worked as a nurse until her 80th bitchday. She then retired, some say due to early onset dementia, and became obsessed with the care of wiener dogs. She loved to frolic with her little friends, to knit them mittens (108 of them), join them in the tv room to watch old black and white movies (101 Dalmations), and bake them cookies.

She was best known for her work in the children's hosptal; in her local community she was reknown for 27 wiener dogs. She was once interviewed in a segment of 60 minutes by Leslie Stall. She was the only one laughing when Cookie peed on Ms. Stall's shoes during the interview.

She shared her long, long, very long life with her husband Tim Bach and her many damn dogs. She was a very happy and wacky old woman. She would look out her window and scare all the children that walked by screaming at them. She didn't have many friends after she hit the age of 90 because she scared the living shit out of everyone. How her husband could stand her, we have no damn idea. She was cherished by her canine buddies, her children, and her husband, as
freaskishly as it may sound.

That old hag will be missed.

Craig Koger, 92, rests with the Indian Lords

2008-11-22T20:40:00.006-05:00

Craig "Little Big Man" Koger, 92, went to the sky with the Indian Lords.

He is preceded in death by his beautiful 94 year old girlfriend Jessica, his loving family; mother Echo 128 years old, father John 128 years old, sister Kendra 89 years old, and brother Thain 86 years old. Of course there was also the two nurses (who will remain anonymous).

Mr. Koger only worked one year out of his life as a slot machine player when he was 24. His hometown newspaper, the weekly Platte County Record Times claimed he inherited his fortune of 10 million dollars and retired from the casino.

He bought the Playboy Mansion with the extra coin and he settled in the mansion. Soon thereafter, he developed an insatiable appetite for Viagra; it was offered throughout the mansion like dinner mints at a restaurant. His "very loving" self finally met his match. Thoroughly enjoying an evening with his two nubile nurses, most of the blood in his body flowed purposefully to the body part demanding it the most - leaving him with barely a trickle to maintain the rest of his frail frame. He passed smiling. Had he known how to count beyond ménage à trois, he would've gone in an even more grand fashion.

It was his only regret.

The Savior, 90

2008-11-21T20:33:00.004-05:00

Lord Theodore Huntsman "The Savior" Haworth, 90, taken by angels; he was slayed in battle by the Great Beast Dantaevil. Preceded in death by Hank Haworth, Helen McCrory and survived by not one single individual.

He loved video games, reading, acting, D&D, watching anime and D&D. He once rescued thousands from a gateway opened to oblivion that released millions of blood thirsty Daedra.

Varkun, High King of Arcadia, once believed dead smiled upon finding out of his death.

Mrs. Hicks, 98, died of sadness

2008-11-20T19:31:00.005-05:00

Mrs. Hicks and family

Mrs. Jessica Ann Hicks, preceded in death by her husband of 45 years withered of inconsolable sorrow at the age of 98. She went to join her other friends who had already proceeded "down there;" they decided Hell is where they where going because of stuff they had done. "It's going to be one big party," Mrs. Hicks would've rejoiced. She is survived by five grandchildren and two great grandchildren.

Living close to Evanston, Wyoming, she and her husband went to Bear River State Park often to enjoy kayaking in their custom-built duo kayak.

An accountant by day in Evanston at Cameron & Associates, she was a great worker, but, more importantly, a great friend, fun and partied tirelessly in her younger days. She was a model mother and loving grandmother.

In her later, wiser years, she loved to travel and do all the crazy things younger people do. Her most recent romps took her cliff diving in Cancun. Her favorite thing to do was go sky diving because she could see everything and it was always so different. She was mindful in many aspects of her life.

On her deathbed, she admitted her greatest regret is she would not witness watching her grandchildren mature to the charitable adults she knew they would be.

They will miss her most.

King Robert, 101, no parachute

2008-11-18T21:46:00.006-05:00

The King

King Robert, after a mere 101 years of noble life, was escorted by the Angels to a quiet place on this day. He lived a mostly reserved day-to-day in the heart of Wyoming, but lusted for the thrills in life. One manifestation of this lust took his life when he suffered fatal blunt force trauma to the skull after a faulty base-jumping run.

King Robert was an avid and experienced parachutist, but due to his old age and frail body, he could't reach the rip-cord to open his parachute, let alone have enough strength to do so if he could reach it. Jumping for thousands of spectators, there were no screams heard by the audience from Robert as he valiantly face-planted into the dirt. His fake teeth flew out of his mouth due to the excessive wind he experienced plunging towards the ground at nearly 65 miles per hour.

He is preceded in death by his ex-wife (the shock of her death practically terminating King Robert) and the rest of his immediate and extended family, and way too many friends. He outlived every damn one of them.

Robert occupied a vast array of occupations during his supreme reign on earth. He served in the U.S. Army as an infantry sniper and subsequently as an explosives specialist surviving three combat tours, was a correctional officer, and for the later part of his life, was a psychologist.

His friends are looking forward to his arrival.

Monsieur Carpberd, 26, Impaled

2008-11-17T19:19:00.004-05:00

Monsieur Stoney H. "Sronez" Carpberd, 26 went straight to hell on All Hallowed Eve in the year 2006. Hailed from Houston, Texas, M. Carpberd died in a horrific and most improbable manner. Dusk of that evening found Sronez, his friends called him, engaged in a round of combat at a local construction site. While running to shoot one of his fellow sweaty, muscular enemies, he ran and stumbled into a pile of new, but hardening concrete. Unfortunately, erected from the hardening concrete was a massive, steel rod of rebar. His uzi airsoft immediately spewed all over the site as he was tragically impaled. He was awake for a brief but painful period in which all that could be heard was his screams for help; his friends just watching him lay on the ground, the rebar fixed to his head. Police were called to the scene, but it was too late, he choked on his blood. His spirit still lays there where his body was impaled.

M. Carpberd liked girls and guys. His friends admired his guns (his airsoft guns). He loved the simple things in life, walks on beaches, his relationships, his affinity for both sexes, even his emotional self he allowed to cry occasionally during sunsets. He regrets not having the time to explore and enjoy his relationships (and improving his grammar skills).

He will be missed by all.

Kitten Killer, 666

2008-11-16T21:13:00.004-05:00

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Originally uploaded by johannes asgeir

King "The Kitten Killer" Caines' disgustingly long life ended today at 666. The King was legendary around El Dorado. Rumored to have had 12 wives and countless children, all preceding him in death, he was plagued his entire life by a personal insecurity resulting from his barely visible bit of manhood.

In order to seek relief from this insecurity, he engaged in many hobbies: gambling, bballing, XBOX (he especially fancied) and watching too much television. He was somewhat obsessed with Craig's Mom, but she wouldn't have him (for obvious reasons).

Poor grammar, poor spelling and micro-manhood notwithstanding, he may be missed.

Jerry the Racer, 27, Dead

2008-11-15T07:51:00.003-05:00

Mr. Jerry T. "42" Racecar drove one too many miles last night. Friends gathered by the I-40/S.R. 32 split where he met death. His Coddington-modified exclusive Mustang tragically flipped 20 times sliding off an interstate during a blizzard. The gang of friends wore a slight grin for the memory of their friend. They knew he liked to mix drink and his driving, but they also knew he was born to drive and knew he would never die old. "42 lived the way he wanted. Now he died the way he wanted" said a close friend of the family with a look as if he had known what was going to happen that sad day.

Friends and family agreed he was an amazing guy. He had a good balance. 'Could sit for hours tending his low 'n slow 'q, pick up a shotgun occasionally and down a couple squirrels while on his farm; stay mellow a stretch of 12 hours at a time. But, when he got the itch, he up and proceeded to his prized Coddington mod ... he was another man.

42's consolation? He'll be meeting up with his (racing) manager and his trophy wife, country singer and model, Betsy Clements. She will now be standing by her man, his Comfort and the Lord.

Later 42.

Russell Rogers, 22, Gloriously to Hell

2008-11-14T22:37:00.004-05:00

Mr. Russell "Willis" Rogers from scenic Riverton, Wyoming was killed today, November 14, 2008. Willis, his friends called him, was quiet. The way Willis liked it.

Ironically, Mr. Rogers, had a lifelong fascination with the culture and fighting tactics of the Ninja. Friends recounted his horrific death that occurred this morning. They were reading the footage from Russ' webcam that caught the entire event. Russ had been playing WoW at a friend's loft most of last night and fell asleep on the couch; he never made it to bed. He was awaken by some noises at the window. Within seconds, he was engaged in an attack with a gang of ninja warriors (visiting Riverton for a conference). In an unprecedented move, one of the clan broke from the traditional fighting techniques and tossed a martini (dry) at Russ and chased it with a small torch. He was immediately engulfed in flames. All a blaze, Russ dropped and rolled in an attempt to put himself out. It was then he slid out of the window of his friend's loft and went plummeting to his death. Had his friend's loft not been on the 40th floor, Russ may have lived since his initial impact was on a pile of trash in a passing sanitation truck. However, if he was alive on impact, all probability of his survival was destroyed as the truck's impacter was activated upon contact. Organs that had been ejected from his body were scattered about the street. The outlines of the organs made by CSI staff amused small children. Their laughter would've made Russ smile.

Riverton will be less without him.

Michelle, 293, Strong Charitable Woman of the Ages

2008-11-14T13:08:00.000-05:00

Michelle at the age of approximately 85

Michelle, 293 glorious years of age was finally taken by the angels in the evening, Thursday, November 13 the year 2008 ad.

Michelle was unfortunately eaten by a pack of rabid dingos while traveling in the uninhabited desert of southern Austraillia. The specific cause of death is still unknown, but irrelevant. Her remains were converted to ash before sunset of the same day as the attack.

She is preceded in death by four dingos who fell in the battle, her great grandmother who trained her in the art of the sword fighting, two uncles and three cats.

For fourteen years, Michelle worked as a guide leading unintelligent people through the wilderness. She once fought off wild boars to save a group of elderly people who were backpacking in India. Another time, her bravery was demonstrated when she fought a crocodile to save a small child who had come too close and wanted to look at its teeth. Michelle worked in numerous occupations throughout her 293 years. Perhaps the most memorable was her stint as a pirate where she pillaged and plundered as she sailed around the Pacific.

She was passionate about kayaking, climbing, backpacking, rock climbing, and wind surfing.

At her ceremony, her family proudly spoke of her successful journey to the center of the earth which was completed at the grand old age of 104; at 28, she replicated the journey of Bilbo Baggins and fought off numerous orcs and trolls.

A tad of guilt will follow her since she forgot to give her dog its supper a day prior to her death. Perhaps it was him who told the dingos to go on the rampage; no one will never know.

William "BJ" Young, 23 took own precious life

2008-11-13T17:02:00.009-05:00

William "BJ" Young found solace when he "jumped the fence" Tuesday November 11, leaving the world too soon. Only 23, most recently residing in Tennessee, sadly, he took his own life. "BJ was loved by his friends and anyone who came to in for a drink," said Jack McGlinty, owner of The Black Horse Pub & Brewery in Knoxville when asked about his former bartender. "He didn't just do his job, he listened to the customers as if they were kin. He had his problems with drugs and liked his drink a bit too much, but he was special - and anyone coming to the bar knew it" Jack continued welling up a bit at times. William Young, baptised in the Sacred Heart Parish, Effingham, IL; he will likely do a brief stint in purgatory before joining the Lord.

Fare thee well Mr. Young.

Mrs. Margaret "Marg" Georgianna Rodrigo, 41

2008-06-02T21:03:00.003-05:00

Mrs. Margaret "Marg" Georgianna Rodrigo, 41, of Baltimore, Maryland went to Purgatory today. Margaret Leaves behind two children a son; Anthony Wood III, a Daughter; Kurstein Wood, Husband; Francis Rodrigo, Mother: Mary Baker, Sister's Robin Reed, Lillian Smith, Brenda Overnton, Karen Chaney, Brother's James Smith Jr, Clifton Reed Jr., Neil Baker Jr., Eight Nephews, five Nieces, seven great nephews, three great nieces, one great great niece, three chihuahuas, one collie, one lab, two Amazon Blue Front Parrots, and four unhatched eggs. She will also be missed by two wild Squirrels in the yard, a slew of black crows and rabbits who fed at her garden.

Marg was mauled by a pack of rabid wiener dogs while protecting her chihuahuas from being attacked. She is preceded in death by her father Neil Baker Sr., sister Mary Alt, nephew Timothy Barber, aunts Vivian Eure, Gracie Arrington and Grandmothers Margaret Boner and Georgianna Arrington.

Margaret was a certified medical assistant for 18 years and worked for many medical clinics and hospitals, she was a giver. Margaret also took classes in sign language to help her in the medical field.

She was passionate about drawing, but her favorite thing to do was collect swords, shields, armor and skulls from the Mideviel and Renaissance era. She was best known for being the joker or clown. Most of her friends would call her crazy. Who knows, maybe she was.

Margaret only had one regret; that she was not invited to her father's service who she was very close to. I remember her saying she would take that to the grave. No one knew why Margaret and her Mother were not invited, it was not like they were estranged or maybe not liked. Only one person could answer that question, but it is too late now. The Bible says an eye for an eye or maybe karma will come around.

Margaret left no money to pay for funeral and inheritance. If she did were still looking for it. If anyone knows, please let the parrots know because they only talk to Robin.

Matthew Gester, 43, bear accident

2008-06-01T13:10:00.005-05:00

Mr. Matthew Gester, 43, from Norwood, Massachusetts went straight to fucking hell today this 31st day of May 2008. Malled to death by an escaped circus bear. He is preceded in death by his wife and children. A Professional writer by trade he enjoyed hiking, skiing and artistry. Ironic that he was best known for the means by which he was killed; eaten by a escaped circus bear. Why oh why did Matthew go hiking that day?

Logam, 12

2008-04-17T20:29:00.003-05:00

Prince James "Logam" St. James died - kind of - at the tender age of 12 years old. Logam was shot by a firing squad; he did survive but was later punched repeatedly in the face until his head caved in leading to his death. St. James was born and grew up in SPringsdaletonberg, England. He joined his father, his father's father and his father's, father's father, who all preceded him. Logam, advanced for his years, was Prince of all he surveyed and participated in decadent activities no commoner could conceive of. He regrets nothing damnit!

Shannon, 30

2008-03-16T15:58:00.003-05:00

Mlle. Shannon Vaughn, 30 of Greenville, North Carolina went to the Lord on March 16, 2008.

A brutally hard worker, as all high school teachers are, Shannon was dedicated to her students. She taught English at D. H. Conley High School always taking time to create lesson plans as unique as the curriculum would allow. Once she created a crossover lesson plan combining the experimental physics with a writing exercise address the inadequacy of most scientists' writing. It was efforts like this she was most remembered for and efforts like this that created stress to the point it manifested as an unknown disease. She was hospitalized and died during the night while with many family members. Her students, whom she was so dedicated, will miss her as much as family. Her commitment was unrivaled by anyone at Conley.

She will join Pookie, her cherished Pug, in the afterlife. They will romp the fields and Pookie will poop wherever he wants while they frolic.

She wished she could have disengaged a bit more from the creative lesson plan preparation and the concern she had for students' lives, but little did she realize realized her efforts were appreciated more than she imagined. There were several hundred students at the funeral. It was a short but rich life.

Bammie Did it Her Way, 114

2008-03-14T16:07:00.001-05:00

After the earth orbited the sun one hundred fourteen times, Bammie "Dame Mimmy" gracefully hovered from enlightenment to Enlightenment where she will join and be welcomed by those who preceded her. She is now in the company of St. Nancy and Paul F. Esquire who arrived a few months ago to start the celebration.

While dancing with her dark, mysterious lover in the shadows of a moonlit tower in Emillia Romagna, she took a fall resulting in a fatal skull fracture.

Bammie may have been considered a bad girl in her youth, but by the time she was older, she commanded respect and love from all who knew her. Notably, she was a loving mother to two beautiful children and cherished friend to anyone who took the time to know her; Thelma will miss her dearly.

She was a strong woman of many pursuits. A tireless writer, her work peaked with the inspirational bestseller "Hot Girl Soup: The Good Girl's Guide to Being Bad in Your 30's and 40's." And, oh was she bad. The highly acclaimed novel was believed by critics to have transformed a generation of "not quite mid-lifers" into women of extraordinary strength who claimed their well-deserved power and made the world more loving, peaceful and harmonious. At least, that's what she thoroughly believed while sipping wine and smoking on the beach dangling her feet in the gentle surf with Thelma.

"In the great centre of cosmic creation, where all is bliss, no words are necessary, and there is only LOVE."

Lord Michale Radcliffe, 277

2008-03-12T21:44:00.004-05:00

Lord Michale "Lord Mike" Radcliffe pissed one too many times. Lord Mike hailed from the lush land of Nelson B.C. Canada and after many years proceeded to go straight to hell.

Lord Radcliffe lived a full life. A damn full life of two hundred and seventy seven years. Although he was passionate about the lush green and mountainous terrain of his hometown of Nelson B.C., he became a bit adventurous at the age of a spry 150 and decided to pursue his lifelong desire to head south to the U.S. of A. There he made a second successful living in Utah as a toymaker. He met and married Melissa, and with her, started the toy company Melissa and Doug.

After the passing of Melissa, he yearned for his hometown and returned to Canada. Never satisfied in one location for long, and at a creaky age and barely continent, he fled to the U.S. again. Since the Patriot Act was passed, paperwork was more carefully evaluated at the border. Feeling rushed after a long life, he decided to hop the fence. A real fence. In the last two decades of his life, the U.S. had been entirely encircled with an electrified chain link fence. The unfortunate confluence of his age-related bladder problems, having just smoked a bit and crossing the fence led to his demise. He urinated on the fence and the shock raced back and ...

He knew how to rile even the border patrol. He and his crazy spirit will be sorely missed. Farewell Lord Michale.

Samantha "Samy" Wright, 18

2008-03-10T19:30:00.002-05:00

Ms. Samantha "Samy" Wright 18 of the quirky-cool Grants Pass Oregon will be reincarnated - eventually - as a Siberian tiger. She was taken from her hometown at a tender young age when her skull was crushed as a tragic result of a parachute malfunction while base jumping in the Rogue Valley area. Her corpse drifted down the Rogue River until it was snagged in the rapids where it was discovered by a tour of whitewater rafting nuns. They said a Rosary immediately.

Samantha was a vivacious participant in her school's color guard. She was especially adept at twirling flags. Hardly pretentious, but she couldn't resist showing her skills by spinning sabers and rifles on occasion. She became so good at her discipline, she became a well-respected coach. "She didn't just lead, she inspired." remarked several of her trainees. She was also on track to begin studies at the University of California this Fall where she would pursue a broad range of studies to learn "lots about lots" without being too narrowly bound intellectually. She loved to learn.

Her love of learning was rivaled only by her passion for bringing fun to others, even when it was sometimes challenging to do so. Taking friends out to dance, snowboard or shopping were daily routines for Samy. She and her friends always had memorable times.

Looking back on her brief but special life, she was happy to know how many lives she touched and made better by her existence. She only wished she could appreciate how special the gifts she brought to this life were. She will be missed by many.

Natalie, 108

2008-02-22T22:33:00.006-05:00

Natalie was grateful to die of old age. She was really, really old. 108 years.

Her life was good. She was thankful for many things. Born February 8, 1900 and died February 14, 2008 in the lush, green hills of Greensburg, Pennsylvania, she is survived by the grace of God.

Natalie was more intelligent than her lack of scholarly awards would suggest. Although she stayed at home, she maintained her thin lithe frame by being engaged and industrious in everything life had to offer only taking brief breaks to speak on the phone. Her home was always spotless.

Never married. She was an active member of the First Church of God In Christ in Greensburg; despite her strong faith she often let people into her life and enjoyed watching their reaction when she told them she was a virgin. Her spelling was awful. She will be dearly missed.

Nissan James, 44

2008-02-15T20:38:00.006-05:00

Found dead in Vancouver, Canada. Born in Mexico City. Allegedly shot and killed because of his friendship with the rapper "fisko23."

Born March 18th 1978. Survived by his only child Levi Castelan and his 3rd wife the Mexican actress Camila Sodi. Earned a Degree in psychology and language teaching. Buddhist. Producer, composer and bass guitarist with mexican death-metal band "Belibette" whose 5th record remained number 1 for seven months.

Co-founder member and bass player of the undergound grind-metal band "Kannabiscerdos". 1st wife, Areli Morales. 2nd wife, Cyntia Yossette. He tried to find "the truth of it all" and died trying.

Annie Bell Jordan, 85

2008-02-09T20:59:00.000-05:00

Born Aug. 1923, departed her life on Jan 31,2008 at Heartstone Memorial Hospital, Summerdale, AL.

She leaves to mourn 2 daughters, Irene Williams of Mobile, AL. and Alice Perkins of Elizabehtown, N.C., 1 devoted son Freeman Henderson of Sprucesprings, AL., 6 Grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren. A host of nieces and nephews, relatives and friends.

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
EVEN THOUGH WE CAN NOT TOUCH YOU ANYMORE, YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.
WE MAY NOT SEE YOUR SMILE AGAIN, YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.
YOU HAVE MOVED ON TO THAT WONDERFUL PLACE WHERE WE WILL ALL MEET
AGAIN; GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN!

Charlie Brown, 55

2006-10-13T15:48:00.000-05:00

Charles Brown.

The round-headed kid died late on Friday night, missing his first weekend in two years. He was run over by a ice-cream truck while the signal was red outside the McDonalds he had worked at for the last 25 years.

The son of a barber, Charles tried working at Disney World for a few years before being fired because children were uncomfortable around him.

He lived a quiet life with his rock collection and coached the junior league whenever he found the time. He bequeathed his baseball mitt to Peppermint Patty and her partner Marcie.

The hip hop artist Snoopy, his childhood companion, spoke at his funeral: "I remember when I was a World War-I flying ace, meeting all the ladies, going to all those far-away places, Charles here would always wait up with a marshmallow sundae."

After Snoopy left to chase his hip-hop dreams, Charlie took solace in his therapist Lucy Van Pelt. They grew dependent, and Lucy eventually left her life on the road as a groupie for the Beatles to move in with him.

Contrary to popular assumption that the song 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' is about a painting made by John Lenon's son, it was actually Lucy and her satchel of prescription drugs that inspired it.

Charles dreamed of being a rockstar, an ambition Lucy never encouraged. His friends blamed her for stunting his potential growth in the music industry, and many of them had distanced themselves from the couple in the last years.

His family was alarmed when the autopsy reports showed that he suffered from syphilis, since they knew him to be a virgin. His little sister Sally, who teaches at Harvard, came to help Linus build a stone wall around the grave.

A unidentified red-haired girl was heard saying at the funeral held on the pitchers' mound, "I wonder if he ever got my valentine."

Lucy has been helping family members overcome their grief, and is charging 5 cents per session.

--
Mitali Parekh

Amber

2006-10-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

On a cold sunday sometime in the few past months, a tragic suicide occurred.

Amber H. (was amongst 3 other people all around the age of 15) was mistaken for a woman who had sexual relations with a married elder man. The woman had spotted Amber and instantly felt anger boiling in her blood; the woman approached amber and told her if she wants to live, she must be a slave to her family for the rest of the woman's life. Amber then laughed and continued on with her friends. Frustrated, the woman broke a wine glass over Amber's head and spit in her face. Amber attacked the woman and the woman retreated to her car and left.

Dumbfounded Amber made her way to the bathroom while reaching for the handle of the door someone inside the restroom pushed the door open with force and the door hit Amber in the head. After a few moments of shock, Amber continued into the bathroom where there she stuck her head under the sink to wet her hair to relieve herself of heat. While her head was under the running water someone came into the bathroom and suprised Amber and her head snapped up. The faucet head made its way inside the back of Amber's head where owners of the cafe say they found her that night.

3 suspects are being held in the local prison for murder. Others say that the death was a mere accident.

When friends and family were told what happened, they laughed and muttered something under their breath. Sounds as if there could be more to the case than what the eye sees.

Sara Lee

2006-10-06T20:59:00.000-05:00

Friday Oct.13, 2006, 'Sara Lee', 29, an Arizona native was shot and killed in West Phoenix after a drug deal went bad Det.Barker reports. At bout 2100 hrs on the 31st block of Missouri, there were 3 gunshots heard and witnesses say they heard an argument between a male and female before the shots were heard.

Sara was a loving friend, daughter, granddaughter and mother. She was born Sept. 24 1977 in Phoenix to mother Kathy Lee and father Mark Lee. Friends say Sara always looked unhappy, but once you took the time to get to know her, she was an awesome person with a great heart. She got involved with drugs 4 years ago and tried very hard to get away from them several different times says Stacey, Sara's best friend.

She was taken away from us too soon and we always prayed that things with Sara would eventually get better in time and we would never have to see this day.

We are going to miss her. Things will never be the same without her here for anyone who knew her.

Sara is survived by her precious 3 children Adrianna, Anthony and Cheyanne, both mother and father, Mark and Kathy, 2 brothers, Markie and Kenneth, sister, Melissa, grandmother Corinne and many aunts.

Services will be held on Tuesday, October 17 at Chapel of the Chimes between 4pm-8pm and will be laid to rest Wednesday October 18 at 11am at Rest Haven cemetary located on 63 avenue and Northern.

Kenny Died (again)

2006-10-05T09:49:00.000-05:00

Kenny,who lives in South Park Colarado has died today at the age 11. Mel Gibson Shot Him mistaking him for a jew. Now the jews want revenge and need ur help to kill mel gibson. Kenny's funeral will be at Stan Mccormicks house and then the food will be at fat boy Eric Cartman's house. Kenny will be alive on tomorrows episode, where he will die again. thanx for ur time.

Mrs.Cartman a.k.a. Cartman's mom

Winnie T. Pooh

2006-08-29T00:32:00.000-05:00

Winnie The Pooh, popular children's character and star of over 30 Disney movies, died June 31, 2006 in his home in Beverly Hills, California. Pooh, who rose to fame in 1966 following his first starring role in Disney's "Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree," endeared himself to generations of children, and launched his own line of infants' and children's clothing, toys, books and accessories.

Pooh was born in 1925 in East Sussex, England. He had an unremarkable childhood, was an indifferent student, and was known for referring to himself deprecatingly as the "Bear of Very Little Brain." He was discovered in a London haberdashery by a talent agent who was struck by Pooh's innocent sweetness and tubby fluffiness.

Following his meteoric rise to stardom, he became a favorite of gossip columnists and paparazzi. His first marriage in 1972 to Elizabeth Taylor ended in divorce in 1973. Despite their failed marriage, Pooh and Elizabeth Taylor remained close friends until his death.

In 1974, he married his publicist MaryEllen Dixon. Pooh and Dixon had one daughter, Winnifred Dixon, who died in 1990 of a drug overdose. Pooh and Dixon's divorce in 1979 was widely publicized. Dixon accused Pooh of extramarital affairs with both men and women (including Rock Hudson and Annette Funicello), and Pooh refused to deny her
allegations. In one of his last public appearances apart from his films, a 1979 interview on the Mike Douglas Show, Pooh remarked, "She knew what she was getting when she married me." Dixon was granted an exorbitant divorce settlement that forced Pooh to sell his trademark to Sears, Roebuck and Company.

According to Pooh's childhood friend Christopher Robin, Pooh was diagnosed with HIV in 1997. He would not confirm that Pooh died from complications of AIDS. Pooh left behind his long-time companion Piglet, with whom he had lived since 1985. Speaking through Pooh's agent, Piglet issued the following statement: "My dear friend Pooh
passed away peacefully today after a long illness. My heart is broken, along with the hearts of the children across the world who loved Pooh as the carefree 'Silly Old Bear' from the Hundred Acre Woods. We have lost a great bear today, but he will live on in all of us."

Mitali, 26

2006-07-13T06:11:00.000-05:00

Mitali Parekh died at a very middle age while travelling to work on the local train. She fell onto the tracks and was run over by an oncoming train before being flung into the creek. She is presumed to have been eaten by whatever survives in the toxic Vashi waters. Her body has not been found, which is as she always wished.

Mitali was born in February of 1980 and had a very forgettable kind of childhood. Till the very end, she was plagued by the search for something within herself that would raise her above the mediocrity she saw herself to be a part of. She never did, and continued to do jobs she hated.

Friends say that though she was extremely loving and fun (and a tad possessive), she tended to be bizarrely incapable of sustaining happiness. She had severed ties with all but a few of them in fits of insecurity and irrationality.

Her best friend of many years, Ahmed, says he wouldn't put it past her to plan the jump from the train. Though, he thought, she had been cured of her long-standing suicidal tendencies by the birth of her dog BooBoo.

Ahmed has been militantly keeping her family and friends away from her wardrobe and belongings, as instructed by her in a telepathic message from beyond the grave. He has also been told to bitch-slap any hysterics, and reportedly, some factions of her family have already been at the receiving end.

"We were always making plans to conquer the world," said a sobbing Ahmed, "and the last one was almost fool-proof. She should have waited." He was consoled by her other friends, whose e-mail ids he quickly made a note of.

Her twice-estranged husband of many years, Tushar stood lurking in the corner, bemoaning the fact that he would not cryogenically freeze her body and brain for future revival. He was later heard discussing with a friend about simulating her mannerisms by a program that could be hosted by his cell phone. It would nag, ignore, insult and pick sporadic fights with him just like she would.

BooBoo has curled in a corner and would not be swayed even by a shiny red ball.

Bri Lovely

2006-06-28T18:08:00.000-05:00

On Sunday, June 25 2006, a young girl named bri at the age of 17 was brutally murdered at 11:15pm. Authorities say she was involved with a drug deal, moments before her death occured, No stable evidence shows that the illegal dealings had anything to do with her death. She was found laying on 63rd street at 6am, by a jogger who says she is afraid to leave her house for the fear the attacker will return. Police say Bri was walking on the sidewalk when someone allegedly struck her on the side of the head with a steel pipe, she awoke about an hour later to find herself in a dark basement surround by bodily fluids, covered in blood, She climbed the stairs and pounded on the heavy door for hours, until finally footsteps were heard , when the door opened the attacker threw the 17 year old down a flight of stairs, Bri was then taken to a room, and chained to a wall covered in old rusted needles, she was incapable of doing anything to fight back, The attacker later returned and beat the 17 year old with a baseball bat for 3 consistant hours, he then removed a knife from his jeans and slashed her face, over 150 cuts were found all over her body, her lips were sewn together, Her wounds were so brutal she would have not survived even if she'd tried.

Parents and friends, are out for revenge searching the neighborhoods and going door to door, The mothers only comment was "When I find Him, I will kill him", her best friend of 7 years made a uproaring speech during the service for the 17 year old "I've known, I mean I know bri, and I have known her for a very long time, She was the love of my life, the kind of person that when you arent with them you feel empty and sick, she always said if either of us was a boy we'd be in love, but we were in love, we already knew we were gonna be friends for the rest of our lives, we used to joke around about how we were going to die, we'd laugh and she told me she expected me to get shot, and she was going to get ran over, we were young, who knew that this day would come so soon, we all love her, She used to just sit around with me and her mom, and we'd always come up with stupid ideas and she'd just go along with it, we had fun, I remember the time we built a snow fort, because we didnt want to be in the house with my parents, we planned on putting a tarp ontop so that my parents couldnt watch us, but we were to late, it had melted by the time we were going to do it, god bless her"

Want to Live Forever? Write Your Own Obit ...

2006-05-05T07:38:00.000-05:00

... is the title of an article on Poynter.org that was brought to my attention by a real live obit writer from The Plain Dealer (Cleveland, OH). Thanks! (I'd rather not mention their name, they may not want to be associated with the site.)

There are lots of sites that explain the process of writing an obituary, but most of them suck. They explain the obit as a dry boring series of factual events. This article by Don Fry explains more of how to make the tribute special:

The secret of fascinating obits is pushing the resume into the background.

It's a nice piece and well worth reading if you want to pursue this exercise.

GEORGE W. AND PAT ROBERTSON DIE IN LOVERS’ QUARREL!!!

2006-04-27T16:57:00.000-05:00

President George Walker Bush died today at the age of 59 when he was hit so hard between the eyes with one of Reverend Pat Robertson’s stilettos, he tragically was knocked off of his own heels where he then fell down a flight of stairs landing in a crumple of fake hair, eyelashes and taffeta at the feet of the lobotomized First Lady. Seconds after the quarrel, the Reverend, who was wearing a daring Donatella Versace leather bustier, took his own life by sticking a pair of tweezers into the nearest light socket. The stench of burnt hair, flesh and leather permeated the air over the capitol and could be smelled as far away as Annapolis. Pat Robertson was 76 years old.

Obviously, the scandal has rocked the nation and the people are in shock and mourning during this difficult and confusing time. What most feel to be the most tragic of all is the loss of the stunning Vera Wang, which the President was wearing at the time of his death. “At first they were arguing, the President and the Reverend, but then they began bitch slapping each other! And then we heard something flying through the air! It sounded like a boomerang and then WHACK, it struck the President right in the face. He then screamed like a 12-year-old Vienna boy and that’s when he lost his balance and tumbled down the stairs! But then the really horrible part happened, that beautiful dress, it was drenched in the President’s eye shadow, blush and foundation and TOTALLY RUINED! RUINED! RUINED! RUINED! It was just awful!” cried a White House intern. Some would beg to differ and argue that the most atrocious part of the tragedy is the unrecoverable Dolce & Gabbana Purse that mysteriously became lodged in the President’s rectum during the plunge down the stairs.

Unbeknownst to the public, the late President and Reverend were involved in a torrid love affair for the past 20 years. Inside sources say that the two were known in certain circles as “Georgette and Patricia” and were inseparable at their Georgetown parties. Although, the same sources, who wish to remain anonymous, also say that the couple’s relationship could be tumultuous at times. The sources also disclosed the well-hidden secret that the Reverend Jerry Falwell and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld have been a couple (known as “Fiona and Rummy”) and along with the President and Christian leader were in a secret drag cult known as the “Un-Diplomatic Delectable Divas”. Their leader, the Madame of the “Divas” is allegedly none other than Vice President Dick Cheney (known as “Mama Chica Cherry” and reportedly when in drag bears a striking resemblance to Barbara Bush).

The White House and the 700 Club are scrambling to cover up the scandal and are denying any allegations to the validity of the story. Although, the resignations are expected to begin rolling in as the shadow of this turmoil grows. Not surprisingly, many republicans are calling for the impeachment of the dead Executive. Senate Majority Leader, Senator Bill Frist in a press conference just minutes ago, said, “To be responsible for crimes against humanity, the economy and the environment is one thing. But to wear Vera Wang, walk on last season’s Jimmy Choo Shoes AND carry a Dolce & Gabbana in the White House no less?? THIS is a travesty! THIS is the biggest crime against the American people! THIS is impeachable! I am horrified!”

As the photos begin to surface of the President and all his… “men”, the nation will no doubt have something new to grapple with; the Delectable Divas made and make, really ugly women.

The custom of putting the President’s casket to lie in State in the Capitol Building’s Rotunda and eventually snake its way along the streets of Washington to rest in Arlington Cemetery has been postponed indefinitely awaiting further investigation into the possible impeachment of the dead President. Mother Earth is calling for the President’s body to be disposed of on the lunar surface. Her press secretary claims that in life, the President contributed so greatly to her pollution, that she doesn’t want his body.

The First Lady was unavailable for comment. She left minutes after the accident and traveled to Myanmar (formerly known as Burma) to promote her “Cross-Stitching for Librarian’s Rights” campaign. Their daughters are drunk and passed out somewhere.

And together, the nation and the fashion world unite once again in their grief.

Disclaimer: If this obituary is in anyway in violation of the Nazi-Patriot Act and if the C.I.A. or F.B.I. is in anyway monitoring this obituary website, Kevin Charnas of KevinCharnas.com denies ANY knowledge of authoring it. However, he does confess to it being divinely inspired; god spoke to him and this is what she told him to write.

Leroy, 77, Family Guy

2006-04-27T06:12:00.000-05:00

SFC Leroy Walker was born on October 7, 1928 in Miami, Florida. He was born the son of Leroy Walker, Sr. and Viola Walker.

He attended the public schools in Miami Florida and graduated from high school. Upon graduation from high school, Leroy joined the Army and had a massive career spanning 35 years. He retired and made his home in Augusta, Georgia. Leroy departed this life on April 21, 2006, at the University Hospital in Augusta, Georgia.

He married Josephine Davis in 1949 and to this union 6 children were born. Leroy (Jessica) Walker, III, of New York, New York, Diana (Steven) Jones of Chicago, Illinois, Lisa (Marvin) Herndon of Los Angeles, California, Brenda (Harry) Weston of Miami, Florida, Marilyn (James) Avery of Dallas, Texas, Belinda (Charles) Mackey of Fayetteville, North Carolina. Josephine preceded him in death in 1962. In 1965 he married Queenie Beard Childs and to this union one daughter was born, Olivia (Willie) Watford of Snellville, Georgia.

Leroy was involved in many organizations upon his death. He was an avid community activist.

In 1995 he met and married Mattie Dozier. To this union, no children were born.

He leaves to mourn his passing, his loving wife, Mattie, his children, Leroy Walker, Jr., Diana Jones, Lisa Herndon, Brenda Weston, Marilyn Avery, Belinda Mackey and Olivia Watford, 22 grandchildren, and a host of nieces, nephews and cousins.

Kristen, age 60

2006-04-25T13:34:00.000-05:00

Kristen, 60, was laid to rest today in Mozambique. She was a divorced mother of 2 grown children.

Kristen grew up in Los Angeles. The child of highly educated and busy parents, Kristen loved sports and was an excellent student. At 14, she met her future husband and dropped most of her desires and dreams to make his come true. She stayed home for more than fifteen years as a stay at home mother, while her husband had a demanding career in the entertainment industry.

After living most of her life as a loving daughter, wife and mother, Kristen (divorced) finally got the chance to travel and explore the world. After visiting Ireland, Denmark, Italy and Australia...she went on a journey through Africa for a month long adventure. Unfortunately, the trip turned deadly as Kristen was trampled by 2 bull elephants while on a sightseeing safari with 4 other travelers. She was the only one to perish.

Kristen was full of life. She raised two beautiful children, mostly on her own as her husband traveled frequently for his job. She loved to be creative. She loved to dance. She loved to grow flowers and was truly a free spirit.

Kristen was also known to have a wicked sense of humor. She loved to be playful and didn't take her self too seriously. She installed this love of life in her children and would always comment that raising her girls was the most important thing she ever did.

Kristen is survived by her daughters, Emi(27) and Kate (35). Kate, a professional athlete, had travelled on Safari with her mother and was a witness to her terrible demise. Emi, an artist and mother of 1, lives in Seattle with her husband.

Kristen will also be missed by her loving partner, Jean Luc. Jean Luc, a professor of psychology, was a pivotal influence in her life. Full of insight and wisdom, Jean Luc was a supportive soul, offering Kristen a relationship full of intimacy and laughter. Kristen grew and flourished in the last years of her life. She learned to accept herself within Jean Luc's eyes, and had come to a calm, peaceful place in her life. She had taken up yoga with Jean Luc, and they both loved the study of tantric sex. The later years were very very good to Kristen.

Kristen's family is asking for donations in her memory to be sent to a fund for African Orphans of Bull Elephant stampedes.

Anne, 18

2006-04-24T07:26:00.000-05:00

Anne died while being driven to the hospital at 1:23 am. The official cause of death was alcohol poisoning. Two good Samaritans reportedly found Anne in the park. “She was crying a lot and she kept saying, "I can’t see, I can’t see.” It was obvious that Anne was dangerously intoxicated. Mark and his wife Jennifer, both residents of the neighborhood, took it upon themselves to drive the girl to the hospital.

Mark recounted sadly, “We sat together in the backseat and I put my arm around her. Her head kept dropping down on her chest and I began to get really worried.” He paused, reflecting. “She was scared. I think she knew she was going to die. After a while she stopped crying and that’s when I realized that she wasn’t moving either.”

Anne was a bright young girl about to start college in the fall. Everyone who knew her claimed that she had her entire future ahead of her. Anne had a sensitive nature and was deeply loved by her family and a few close friends. She was a relatively well-known babysitter in the neighborhood and much sought out for, valued for her responsibility, honesty, and compassion.

Her parents and friends remain baffled as to why she would drink herself to death. But her parents do claim that she had a history of abusing alcohol. Her mother remembered a time when she found Anne wandering around their apartment complex naked. Anne was heavily intoxicated and had no memory of anything in the morning.

A neighbor who often asked Anne to baby-sit said, “I had no idea she drank. Anne was always so good with our children.”

Why did Anne drink so excessively? Was it an accident or a suicide? These questions continue to plague Anne’s family and friends.

Jamie, a classmate of Anne’s, eloquently stated, “She was always quiet. If I saw her at a party or something I usually would forget that she was even there and I would end up standing right in front of her. It’s not like I meant to, it’s just that she seemed to become part of the wall, like the scenery. Now that she's dead, I wish I hadn't forgotten about her."

Tom Okano, 41, Enthusiastic Guy

2006-04-19T13:33:00.000-05:00

Tom Okano of Middlebury, Ohio was run down outside his home by a 2006 black Mazda 6 sporting a set of Yokohama Advan Neova AD07 ultra performance 18" tires. Ironically, Mr. Okano was a tire salesman and tire fanatic.

Tom had many hobbies, but his passion was tires.

Tires.

Tom would shine no matter what he did with his professional or personal life. He was a dedicated father of two 18 year-old boys (twins) and is also survived by his loving wife of 16 years, Estelle.

"Tom was a madman", claimed a customer who was in the shop recently, "he had a set of tires for Summer and a set for Winter - wheels and everything!"

What seemed to set Tom apart from the crowd was his enthusiasm when he explained things. "He worked in a tire shop, but you'd think he was a professor, his explanations were so thorough", said another customer. "At times, I thought he'd pull out a chalkboard and start drawing diagrams", the customer continued.

Tom spent a stint in Silicon Valley in the early 90's as an interface between code-writing geeks and venture capitalists. He facilitated communication regardless of how disparate the disciplines were. Having earned enough cash to get a job that wasn't quite as "fast-track", he and his family moved to Middlebury in the late 90's and Tom secured a job selling tires at a shop in Columbus, OH.

He is missed most by his family but also by a loyal following of many friends from around the country. "Tom would never hesitate to go out of his way to help someone in need - anyone" said a close friend of the family, but his first love will always be tires.

Tom wanted no sympathy but wanted you to upgrade your ride.

William Starr Moake II, 68, Wildman

2006-04-17T07:22:00.000-05:00

William Starr Moake II, affectionately known as "Wakiki Willie" to young tourist women whom he tried to seduce from his beer-soaked seat at beachfront sidewalk cafes in Honolulu, died yesterday at the age of 68.

Moake was found slumped over his computer keyboard at his home, a gecko-infested apartment in the Chinatown district of Honolulu. The monitor displayed Windows "blue screen of death" and police theorized Moake suffered a fatal seizure while trying to reboot his operating system. An autopsy was scheduled to determine which blood vessel in his brain had burst.

Moake was the author of three published fiction books which sold a combined total of 16 copies during his lifetime. Immediately after he passed away, a Hollywood producer optioned one novel for a film starring Brad Pitt.

Moake is survived by a former wife, two children (that he knew of), an unknow number of grandchildren, and debts to several businesses in Honolulu amounting to $61,395. He will be buried in the Pauper's Cemetery on the rainy side of Diamond Head crater.

Brogg the Half-Breed

2006-04-16T06:06:00.000-05:00

Brogg the Half-Breed, was slain by the death knight, Lord Skullbones on Wednesday.

Brogg was a multi-classed holy warrior of Grisbane, 5th level cleric and 4th level fighter. Brogg and his adventuring company followed Skullbones into the Temple of Zelba after the death night kidnapped their companion, Mike the Zombie 1k. Although Skullbones was slain, the entire party perished in the battle. Brogg and company have since been reanimated as zombies, with their souls being geased to perform a task in an airport purgatory. Brogg the Half-Breed is survived by his roommates Ronald Greetles and Gregolas Half-Elven.

Further adventures found at Descent into Depths.

Mitzi, 33, Enraged

2006-04-14T14:06:00.000-05:00

The blog that caused her to lose her job eventually caused her to lose her life.”

Although Mitzi was sweet enough as a child, she grew into an enraged adult. She decided to start a blog in order to have an avenue to vent. This was quite successful for a while, until one of her co-workers discovered the blog. Mitzi had written exactly what she thought of her co-workers and bosses (in lurid and painstaking detail) without bothering to disguise their identities. Needless to say, this lead to her immediate termination.

From that point on she lived a reclusive life, spending many hours each day ripping into anything and everything on her blog. No person or topic was safe. She’d scan the newspaper each day in order to make biting commentary on current events. She watched endless hours of television so that she could tear apart tv shows and celebrities alike. She stayed up late into the night, reading other blogs and posting to her own, her computer her only friend. Sad.

In a rare excursion out of her house this past Wednesday, she was so distracted ruminating on her next topic, she crashed her car into the median on the interstate causing a 10-car pile up. She was 33 years old.

She is survived by her laptop.

Check out my blog o’ writing contests! Your Own Words.

Do it for Mitzi.

Kevin Charnas Dies at 150!

2006-04-13T06:02:00.000-05:00

Kevin Charnas dies at 150 years old. Poet, writer, philosopher, kick-ass peace activist and former President of the United States of North and South America and West Asia (2038 to 2046 A.D.) died today when Lucy, the beloved elephant that he had befriended during the White House years and was riding at the time, jack-knifed while tripping over President Charnas's penis. The elephant (Lucy) sustained only minor injuries, but died just a few hours later of a broken heart while in intensive care at Babar Memorial in Nairobi. Doctors said that she was never going to forgive herself for crushing her friend of 80+ years, even though it was the President's fault for not wanting to stop for a wee while on their way to the peace talks in the Sudan.

The President's body was virtually unrecognizable, but rather took on the form of a whale booger. Although, with his insistence on forgoing any cosmetic surgery as he aged, he actually began to resemble a whale booger about 30 years prior to his death.

Kevin, or "Kev" (as his friends preferred to call him) was probably best known for the ability to make an ass of himself with unprecedented proficiency, linking him with most past Presidents. However, this is where the path diverges. Kevin is also well known for being the first known gay President, bringing white gloves and pillbox hats back into the Oval Office, as well as being the catalyst for a complete global disarmament. He was even able to convince The Soprano's into giving up their guns and the Vatican into cancelling the guilt trip. Thus the responsibility of the entire world's supply of weapons has been given to Ms. Oprah Winfrey (165 of Chicago, Illinois) for safe-keeping. While Ms. Martha Stewart (173 of Turkey Hill, Connecticut) has taken it upon herself to transform the remainder of the global community's guilt into some remarkable holiday ornaments. Both women, dear friends of President Charnas, were too consumed by grief for comment.

Kevin is known for many things, but knowing himself to be an extraordinary idiot, he always wished for people to know that he tried.

He is survived by his adored husband of 117 years, world renowned master artist, William Bezek (a.k.a. the 2nd Michelangelo), 18 of their 20 adopted children, 83 adopted grandchildren, 336 adopted great grandchildren, 1344 adopted great great grandchildren and 10 dogs.

He will be missed, but at least he tried.

You've learned of his death, now if you would like to learn more on the early years (1969 to 2006) of Kevin Charnas, please visit kevincharnas.com.

Dr. Skooks, 68, Chemistry Professor

2006-04-12T07:44:00.000-05:00

Dr. Skooks, Ph.D. in Organic Chemistry died yesterday after being crushed by an avalanche of precariously placed books high over his workstation.

Dr. Skooks (rhymes with books) received his Ph.D. in organic chemistry at The Ohio State University and accomplished a prestigious post-doctoral appointment with Harvard Professor and Nobel Laureate E. J. Corey. After this appointment, he applied to one school, Purdue University, where he remained throughout his career.

There was no shortage of comments about the man from former graduate students. "I was one of his first graduate students. He was a frigging bastard. In at 6 am and he wouldn't leave the lab until 10 pm. And, he'd be up your ass the entire time."

His personality apparently underwent a drastic change as he matured in his profession according to another of his students. "I was his 40th Ph.D. student. He was quite a guy. Demanding but had his priorities right. Coach of his son's little league team, stuff like that."

Dr. Skooks published hundreds of papers on the synthesis of natural products, a highly competitive area of organic chemistry. "He was a fast thinker." said another of his students, "when he wanted a problem solved and you weren't going fast enough, he'd prod you to find the answer faster than you could handle."

He had some odd rituals according to the lab. Everyday at noon, after he came back from a swim, he'd pop some corn in the microwave. "That popping corn was the warning, when you heard that, Doc was about to make the rounds and he wanted to learn something from each student every day of the week. Scared the shit out of us."

All students quoted wished to remain anonymous. Dr. Skooks apparently instilled a lifelong sense of fear in them.

One fumehood in his lab will be labeled with a plaque with his name on it and it will never be used again.

Ralph, 38, Pensive

2006-04-08T11:47:00.000-05:00

Home alone, Ralph sat ruminating on a Saturday night committed suicide by taking a handful of sleeping pills and chasing them with his favorite whiskey, Wild Turkey. He felt absolutely no pain.

Ralph was raised in a small Ohio town and attended public schools. He continued his education pursuing a BS degree in Education and finally a Masters in Special Education (secondary, mild to moderate). It was this destination, a noble and worthwhile vocation that he enjoyed immensely for many years; he loved underdogs.

Unfortunately, he was plagued with mental illness (psychotic episodes and anxiety) and not even a job he could be passionate about was enough to overcome his problems.

He still heard the voices.

When asked what the nicest thing someone other than a family member did for him in his life, he quickly recalled, "A friend wiped my 3-month old daughter's barf from my shoulder while at a party. Everyone else just looked in horror at my shoulder, but this person kindly approached me and without hesitation and wiped the back of my shoulder. It was a moment I'll never forget. She was a spitter."

Ralph never dressed well and never carried himself proudly. He was tortured and it showed. He was pensive, usually nervous, awkward and it all showed in most things he did (his opinion). Friends don't remember such an image. "He was one of the most dedicated educators I knew." a fellow teacher said. He suspects most of his flaws were only visible to himself.

He is survived by a devastated wife, daughter and many other family members.

The voices just wouldn't stop.

Reva, 27, EMT

2006-04-04T06:35:00.000-05:00

Reva a 27-year old devoted mother of three and active in Emergency Medical Services in Maryland Died yesterday. Reva drove her ambulance in to Camden Tower.

Hector, 54, Machinist, Perfectionist

2006-04-03T10:29:00.000-05:00

Hector took his own life Saturday night when he couldn't handle all the imperfections in his life and was sadly unable to see the bigger picture.

Some floorboards in his house needed repair.
The foundation of his house wasn't perfect.
His lovely house wasn't a ranch but a 2 story.
His daughter's room was messy with toys.
He was uncertain whether he could provide her an adequate technological set of toys as she grew up.
He always cried reading On Children.
He feared strong rains and big snows.
His landlines didn't work.
He had no "tv room".
His kitchen ceiling needed to be repaired.
His psychotropic drug cocktail wasn't perfect and he was tired of waiting for it to be.
His job wasn't perfect.
The gutters on his house weren't optimal.
The basement of his house was wet when it rained hard.
His house wasn't big enough.
His family wasn't perfect (although his wife and daughter were).
He hadn't enough friends (so he often lamented).
He hadn't barbecued in almost a year.

None of these silly possesions or concerns will worry him again. How sad he couldn't see the bigger more important things to live for. Oddly, his last words were "It's not stuff that matters."

He requests a ceremony with loud music and pulled pork sandwiches topped with coleslaw and pickles.

He also hated big charities. Condolences in the comments please.

Google has found "You Died"

2006-03-30T12:29:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to figure out what search terms will turn up this site as a hit in the search results. The most interesting one to date is flight attendant killed while attending wedding. This gives us a postion of 4 on Google, putting the spotlight on our dearly departed Jacqueline.

Should be interesting to see how people find this site in days to come.

Wild Sue, 60

2006-03-29T07:49:00.000-05:00

Sue died in a violent domestic act brought on by her evil son-in-law. Homicide detectives are still working the case.

Sue is preceded in death by her parents, her husband of 30 years, most of her in-laws and two children. Murder was relatively common in Sue's family.

A happy child, she attended public schools and was brought up in a loving home by good people. Her life's troubles started in her early teens. Her mother and father had what amounted to a duel but neither survived. This horrific incident scarred Sue and from this point on she led a grim life. When she was 30, she married her childhood sweetheart. They could be seen watching television and sitting on the porch together; their favorite pastimes.

"A while back, we had a block party and all Sue could talk about were the murders that went on in her family." said a close neighbor who wished to remain anonymous. "We [the neighbors] all thought it was all made up stuff, but her untimely death gives us pause" said the neighbor.

At the time of her death she was providing full time care for her daughter's (killed a year ago) child. Her brightest side came out when she was interacting with children. A little brusque, but it was obvious she loved her grandchild and all the kids in the neighborhood.

Sue wasn't much for charity. Condolences should simply be submitted to the comments.

Janeen, 54, Well Balanced

2006-03-28T07:01:00.000-05:00

Born on February 10, 1952, on a full moon in an Illinois blizzard in the golden days of Howdie Doody, and later growing up on Florida beaches with rainbows and orange groves, she remembered a collage of red snowsuits and tricycles, snowflakes and bright shells, seaweed, and sunsets. Really a wonderful variety which was never experienced again after her childhood. Raising her own child after a divorce and working full time precluded much more creativity, but it was really the diagnosis of M.S. at age 28 which pretty much stunted her travel abilities. It wasn't wise or safe to go alone, and later, she just got tired. Her son, bright, handsome, and charming, fell into a life of petty crime and spent many years in jail for--- oh, drug related stuff. And she thought well that's not the way I would have done it. But she did love him so.

When she was 18 and a music major in college, Capitol Records bought one of her songs, "Come Morning", and though nothing ever came of it, it remained one of her proudest memories.

While she was still "well balanced", she earned 3 belts in Shaolin Tai Chi which was another proud memory.

She took much pleasure in the happy company of her friends. Her "love life" was usually only half there, with a succession of a few men who were great company and only half available, and it's hard to say...did she really want it that way? She didn't think so, but you never knew. That's not the way she would have done it, either, (as far as she knew.)

She was especially pleased and flattered when, for a little while, people said she looked like Stevie Nicks, because she felt that she had grown up ugly. She did like that Stevie look. And that music.

She also enjoyed regular visits to her friend, "The Psychic Odette".

She was preceded in death by her wonderful parents and by a beautiful dark tortoise shell Persian cat, A.K.A. "The Cat Lilibet". She is survived by her son Benjamin whom she loved the most, and a few friends whom she also loved.

She might be missed by the lady at the drycleaners and maybe the girls at the Clinique counter and at the Salon. She will be missed by her small circle of friends and by acquaintances made at Borders books and music. She enjoyed studying many things, from religion and philosophy to astrology and diet.

She hoped to come back with the option of being a dancer, which was really only a wish to be naturally willow-ey of build and graceful. She will miss everyone tremendously and would look forward to seeing you all again.

Becky, 28, Dressed in Black, Friend of Many

2006-03-27T08:22:00.000-05:00

Rebecca Davis (Shreswbury) suddenly died March 26th in her home at the computer.
Apparently after getting into an argument with her online boyfriend.
She was a kind-hearted person, misunderstood alot.
She always wore black clothing and did act weird at times, but she was a great person.
She was originally from Beckley WV.
She was divorced with no children and she was going on 29 yrs old, her birthday was coming up on April 17th.
Her maiden name was Shrewsbury, and she had left behind her two dogs Smokey and Nikki, that she thought of as her children.
She lived in Ironton Ohio, with her mother.
She was sitting at her computer talking to her online boyfriend, and apprently them two had a huge argument, and he had told her she was pathetic and it hurt her feelings, we are unsure what had caused her untimely death, there is an autopsy being done to determine her cause of death, if it was an overdose or a broken heart.
Her friend Jenny will be singing Amazing Grace at her Wake next Friday.
She will be dearly missed by everyone.
She said if she had ever passed that she wanted to have a black funeral.
Meaning everything being in black.
She had thoughts of cremation, but had decided to go with a burial instead.
Funeral will be held at the Ironton Boat Docks.
On april 1st at 2:00pm in the afternoon.
Friends and Family welcome.
Please bring your own food and beverages, we are a poor community.
Please note, close friends of Becky, she would have liked it if you were to leave a little sumthin sumthin for her in her casket.
She will be sadly missed.

Liddy, 26

2006-03-25T07:41:00.000-05:00

Liddy Walsh tragically passed on March 24, 2006 when the vehicle she was driving was run off the side of Highway 87 and flipped into the ravine below, leaving a hole in the hearts of those who knew her. Liddy will always be remembered for her inquisitive nature, quick smile, and love for everyone she met.

Liddy grew up in Capital, caught up in the political scene from an early age. She was a National Honor Society member at Capital High School before going on to college at Ivy University. Liddy went to law school at South University and has been practicing law at Boutique Firm, L.L.P. ever since.

Liddy's passions included sailing, tennis, dancing, and she was an avid reader. Always politically active, Liddy even traveled to Ohio to monitor the 2004 presidential elections. In college, Liddy worked as a paramedic and later as a horse trainer. She was a woman of many interests, but her secret ambition was to study architecture and photography. She would have loved to live a life of idleness and dissipation.

Though never married, Liddy is survived by her very close friend and former boyfriend James, her clandestine married lover David, her oldest and dearest friends Lanie and Hannah, and numerous others who she adored. Liddy was preceded in death by her dear friend Rob whom she hopes to meet in heaven. Liddy always believed that your family is not always the people you are related to, and showed that to her friends whom she loved so dearly.

Liddy's family, Mom, Dad, and Brother will miss Liddy more than she will ever know. In lieu of flowers, Liddy's family asks that those who knew Liddy attend the funeral she always wished she could have. Services will be held at the Dance Hall on Saturday night, 7 p.m. Barbeque, beer, live music, and designated drivers will be provided.

Queen Tammy Wannabe Wannabe, age unknown (she never would tell us)

2006-03-24T07:01:00.000-05:00

Tammy Wannabe Wannabe, a Queen in every sense of the word, departed this life on Sunday, March 19th at the Hilton Hotel in Jackson, Mississippi. Tammy spent her last hours on earth perched on a barstool oogling the undertakers who were gathering for a Mortician's Convention, which was conveniently just setting up shop when she "passed" (read: fell over and died, y'all!). An overdose of PigCandy and Cheese Grits is suspected.

Her last wish was to be cremated and shot out of a cannon. Since her slack-azz family cannot be relied upon to carry out this final task, her friends, the Sweet Potato Queens Wannabe Wannabe's are going to take over this chore. A memorial service and honorary crawfish boil in her honor will be held at Homer's Bar-B-Que on High St. in Jackson, Mississippi and will commence on Friday, March 24th at 6pm. Bikers, Queens and stripper poles will be present to add to the ambience of this somber ceremony.

Tammy's last days on earth were filled with friends, laughter, music and dancing. Also, hot wangs and tequila shots. While Tammy's behavior in the last few days was, understandably outlandish, her friends all agreed "love her hair, hope she wins!" they sorrowfully stated, when asked for comments on Tammy's demise. Tammy's friends have Promised to make sure she is remembered fondly by always wearing Cute Shoes and shaving everything that needs to be shaved, everyday, in her honor. "Tammy would've wanted it that way" sobbed a friend, as Tammy was taken away in a Hot Pank Wambulance to the tune of "She's a Brick House" playing softly in the background.

In leiu of flowers, Tammy's friends have requested donations be made to something called "likker funds".

J.M.Herrmann

2006-03-23T12:40:00.000-05:00

Today at 3:20 am Saturday November 22nd 2009 saw the death of J.M.Herrmann. J.M. Herrmann is survived by his wife Danielle, step-daughter Darcy, Melanee Ulle his mother and Kathleen his sister. J.M. has for the past 7 years resided in Sydney, Australia and was formerly of Conneaut, Ohio.

J.M Herrmann was found in the National Park where he apparently visited to wait for his time. No cause was found for his death, and the State Coroner is ruling it as suspicious. J.M. Herrmann was a graduate of Conneaut High School, and had made a career in the Security Industry. There will be a closed casket ceremony at an as yet undisclosed location. The body seems to be in poor state as it was mauled by local wild dogs.

J.M. Herrmann has left behind a will stipulating that instead of flowers a grove of willow trees are to be planted in his home town. Condolences may be addressed to D7/2B Mowbray Street, Sydney, Australia.

Beth Himmel, 94, Librarian

2006-03-22T11:18:00.000-05:00

Beth Himmel, a librarian at the Baltimore Metropolitan Library for over 50 years, passed away quietly in her home last Tuesday, surrounded by loving family and friends. She was 94 years old. Having feared death for most of her life, her final words, "This isn't so bad," delighted those who were with her in the end.

Beth leaves behind her loving husband of 63 years, Marvin Spooner, and her only daughter Anne Spooner. She will also be missed by her five grandchildren, Mary, James, Jo, David, and Laura Singpurwalla, and her golden retriever Gauss.

Beth was born and raised in a small town in Iowa that you never heard of, by very conservative parents. She left Iowa joyfully to attend Northwestern University, where she earned a B.A. in Literature and her Ph.D. in Library Science. She wrote many scholarly articles and received many awards for her service, but always said that her greatest work was raising her daughter Anne, and her greatest joy was spending time with her family. Long a confirmed atheist and secular humanist, Beth insisted that we should all try to do good for each other and be the best people we could be in this life, and not hold out for something better after death.

A celebration of her life will be held at 3:30 Saturday afternoon, at O'Shaunessy's Irish Pub in Baltimore's Inner Harbor. In lieu of flowers, Beth asked that you make a generous contribution to your local public school, or spend an afternoon picking up trash in your neighborhood.

Jacqueline, 44, Flight Attendant, Mother

2006-03-21T14:02:00.000-05:00

Jacqueline was mauled by a gang of angry rotweilers while out on a walk last Thursday.

Jacqueline was born in Dearborn Michigan and knew from the age of approximately 3 years she would be going places. A lot of places. She decided not to finish high school and quit while in the tenth grade to help out her family make ends meet by getting a job. She worked mostly low level service jobs until a help wanted advertisement lured her to American Airlines. She was only 18.

Twenty years ago, flying was infinitely more special than it is now and the role of a flight attendant (or dare I say stewardess) was considered a position of some prestige. The patrons dressed nice for their flights and received substantially more than a bag of peanuts on their voyage.

The next year was busy for Jacqueline; she married her boyfriend, Hector (whom she had been dating for some years), had a baby girl (Carmella), finished flight school and made the bold move to pursue her dream of travel.

Hector was stably employed as a carpet installer and their daughter was cared for during the day by a neighbor and good friend of the family.

Initially, Jacqueline made short stops just flying about the Midwest. Although the flights were only brief hops, Jacqueline found the job exhilirating. The hectic pace, constant interaction with the travelers and hustle and bustle of the airports was something Jacqueline thrived on. She slowly moved up the ranks and by her fifth year, she was flying cross-country and staying in some exciting cities. Once, when her daughter was only 5, she purchased her a seat and took her to San Francisco. Together, they flew, dined at Chinatown and took the trolley about the city. Her daughter seemed to like to travel as well.

Interestingly, the more Jacqueline flew to other cities the more she grew to like Dearborn, the city she swore from an early age she'd leave. Gradually, it became more of home than she'd ever imagined it would be. It is where she stayed with her family the rest of her life and where her survivors will remain.

As Jacqueline grew older in the skies, she felt some sadness toward her profession. The newer flight attendants seemed more surly and she sometimes felt like a peanut distributor. The travelers weren't interested in the excitement of the air transport but simply wanted to get somewhere. Although she never lost her passion for motherhood, Carmella grew up and went her own way and Jacqueline's lust for life seemed to have fallen through the cracks. Her greatest joy was and remained her stably employed, rock-of-stability husband who would hold down the fort in her absence and always be there for her. She will dearly miss her family.

Darcy, 15, High School Student

2006-03-20T17:37:00.000-05:00

So this is my obituary:

This Monday, March 20th, Darcy, 15, tragically died. She was found by her mother hanging in her room. She was a freshman at her high school.

Darcy was thought by most to be kind and, at times, very giving. Although she had many friends no one could give any perspective on why she did it. "She was always so happy, always laughing," said her friend Sarah.

She left a note, a vague sign of why she would do this. It read, "he made me feel so bad that i did this and he doesn't even know how much i care." What this means is anyone's guess. On the outside no one would ever guess she would be capable of this. What demons was this innocent girl hiding? What boy haunted her past so badly that she felt the need to take her life?

She will be missed by her many friends, parents, sister, and hopefully by the person she loved so dearly.

Randall, 32

2006-03-19T20:02:00.000-05:00

Randall was found in a hotel room in Boston. His death was apparently caused from an overdose of drugs washed down with heavy amounts of beer. "No one thought he would ever die of old age." said a close friend.

Randall lived a wild life. Most obits glamorize the individual's social productivity but Randall was different. A wild kid that never grew up. His fatal flaw was his alcoholism. He could go for weeks without a drink. He could hold down a job, no sweat. But, once he started drinking, he could drink a case of beer and more. All that stopped him was passing out.

While drunk, he was happy and often listened to tunes with headphones at volumes that would damage anyone else's hearing. He thought Ted Nugent losing the hearing in one ear from his loud music was a minor price to pay.

He underwent detox many times, but soon returned to drinking. In the end, he was taking quite a few psychoactive drugs in an attempt to get back on his feet. He ultimately used them to get a better high with drinking.

Randall was born in the Boston area. He lost his mother to cancer when he was only 12. This had a profound impact on the rest of his short life.

He and his best friend in crime, Dante, would try anything. They drank together - lots - taking off school if necessary. They broke into warehouses in Boston just to see what it'd feel like to escape getting caught; anything for a rush. When they were younger, after the snow melted and the streets were covered with sand, they would grab on the bumper of slow moving vehicles and "surf" down streets rolling along on the sand.

He had a twisted sense of humor and would do anything to make his best friend laugh to the point of wetting his pants - literally. This was the point in which he considered the humor a success. He would scream blood-curdling calls in the street to his friend in large crowded areas, grab the microphone at Burger King and burp or spout obscenities, drop backwards and walk like a spider in the middle of crowded stores and run up to strange men at traffic stops and yell "Dad, Dad, is that you?". His humor was often "successful".

While still in high school, he promised his best friend they would someday buy homes together way out in the woods so they could crank Aerosmith and not worry about what any fucking one else said about the loud music. He swore a lot and had no intention of changing that habit.

His best friend was his best man at his wedding. He fathered a baby girl but early on he and his wife separated. Undoutedly due to the alcoholism.

He was so alive and so troubled.

Golf Widow

2006-03-18T06:43:00.000-05:00

On March 17th, in Ankh Morpork. Golf Widow, formerly of Earth and a recent transportee to Discworld, was killed yesterday in a freak quaffing accident at the tavern. Her demise involved several pints of stout, a giraffe, and a set of darts.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Golf Widow Scholarship at Unseen University, of which Golf Widow was not a graduate, but wished she was.

She is survived by her parents, her brother, and her husband the golfer, who will now be known as the Golf Widow's Widower. Sympathy cards may be directed to the comments section.

Golf Widow elaborated here. Thanks Golf Widow.

Janice

2006-03-16T07:40:00.000-05:00

Janice was killed in a car accident on 16-Mar-2006 at the horribly young age of 16. She was a senior in high school and is survived by her dear Mother and Father.

She had long blond hair and was considered by many to be quite pretty. She had several boyfriends. Although she was not the most popular girl in school she received good grades, was involved in many activities including the chess club, a member of the yearbook staff and participated for a season on the girls' gymnastics team in her sophomore year.

At the point of her untimely death she was off to Johnson and Wales University where she would have studied to become a chef with a specialty in baking. This career path was instilled at an early age in the kitchen of her parents who were obsessed with all things food.

She will be sorely missed by many.

John, 42, Editor

2006-03-15T08:20:00.000-05:00

John, 42, was killed yesterday in a steamroller accident. He is survived by his wife and daughter of nearly 3 years of age and father, mother, two sisters and brother.

John was a loving father and husband.

He was born and raised in a small city near Boston where he attended public schools, graduated with a B.S. in chemistry from the a state school in Boston and a Ph.D. in organic chemistry from a large midwestern university. He met his loving wife (a professor) while pursuing graduate studies. Their dwellings and respective academic departments were next to each other. They met when he invited her over for turkey dogs. He worked for at least a decade in the pharmaceutical industry in various capacities and finally settled as an Editor in a large database midwestern database company.

This midwestern city was also the place where he and his wife gave birth to and raised their lovely daughter. John could be seen with his family frequently on Saturday mornings at the science museum letting his daughter run off some energy.

He had many hobbies including brewing beer, baking, playing the viola, blogging, playing with his family, attending open mic nights and generally keeping busy.

He suffered from depression and anxiety, severe at times, and deeply regrets the manifestations of this disease into his personal life and loves, he had little control over these things. His biggest regrets were not experiencing the growth of his daughter and the maturation of his relationship with his lifelong partner. He had many friends and also regrets not spending more time cultivating these precious relationships.

John chose to be cremated in the least expensive way. He was frugal and shall remain so through eternity. His ashes will be scattered by the local river.

DIY Obituary

2006-03-15T07:39:00.000-05:00

Sounds a bit morbid but try it.

Writing your own obituary can be an interesting way to step back from your hectic life, reflect and appreciate what you have. If your life hasn't been what you wanted, use this to try to make some changes. Read some in your local newspaper to get a feel for the format but don't be too concerned with what it should look like. Write whatever you want. Just imagine you died and write what others would want to know about you. The exercise is a bit scary but is actually kind of fun.

Why the anonymity? It doesn't have to be. You can sign it with your name or site's url but a piece like this might scare your loved ones; putting it in your own blog might give others the wrong message (ie, a suicide note). So, publish it here and look back on it from time to time. If you want to pull it back out and look at in the future, put some kind of code in the subject line (title of post),

e.g.: John (x345),

so you can search it via the navbar at the top of the page. Unless this gets wildly popular, I'll publish them all. When you email your submission, it will go into a que and I'll publish it within a day or two (I may make minor edits and do some spell-checking). Also, if you have any regrets, email me and I'll delete it.

You can communicate with me via the comments section or email me at your_obituary at yahoo dot com. Have fun.

p.s: Please attach an image that characterizes you.

the form of death

2005-03-15T14:33:00.025-05:00

If this form doesn't suit you, please compose your own, there are no style guidelines. Mail it to dave@davesbeer.com
Please attach a url for an image that represents you or attach one to an email to append to the obit.
Thanks

Condolences

2005-03-04T19:36:00.003-05:00

We, at You Died, express our most sincere condolences for your loss. Please know that we appreciate the efforts you've gone through to tell us of your death.

We will edit a bit and post it as soon as we can.

Please click the site's title, to get back home.

... so long