Natalie, 108

Natalie was grateful to die of old age. She was really, really old. 108 years.

Her life was good. She was thankful for many things. Born February 8, 1900 and died February 14, 2008 in the lush, green hills of Greensburg, Pennsylvania, she is survived by the grace of God.

Natalie was more intelligent than her lack of scholarly awards would suggest. Although she stayed at home, she maintained her thin lithe frame by being engaged and industrious in everything life had to offer only taking brief breaks to speak on the phone. Her home was always spotless.

Never married. She was an active member of the First Church of God In Christ in Greensburg; despite her strong faith she often let people into her life and enjoyed watching their reaction when she told them she was a virgin. Her spelling was awful. She will be dearly missed.

Nissan James, 44

Found dead in Vancouver, Canada. Born in Mexico City. Allegedly shot and killed because of his friendship with the rapper "fisko23."

Born March 18th 1978. Survived by his only child Levi Castelan and his 3rd wife the Mexican actress Camila Sodi. Earned a Degree in psychology and language teaching. Buddhist. Producer, composer and bass guitarist with mexican death-metal band "Belibette" whose 5th record remained number 1 for seven months.

Co-founder member and bass player of the undergound grind-metal band "Kannabiscerdos". 1st wife, Areli Morales. 2nd wife, Cyntia Yossette. He tried to find "the truth of it all" and died trying.

Annie Bell Jordan, 85

Born Aug. 1923, departed her life on Jan 31,2008 at Heartstone Memorial Hospital, Summerdale, AL.

She leaves to mourn 2 daughters, Irene Williams of Mobile, AL. and Alice Perkins of Elizabehtown, N.C., 1 devoted son Freeman Henderson of Sprucesprings, AL., 6 Grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren. A host of nieces and nephews, relatives and friends.

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
EVEN THOUGH WE CAN NOT TOUCH YOU ANYMORE, YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.
WE MAY NOT SEE YOUR SMILE AGAIN, YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.
YOU HAVE MOVED ON TO THAT WONDERFUL PLACE WHERE WE WILL ALL MEET
AGAIN; GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN!

Charlie Brown, 55

Charles Brown.

The round-headed kid died late on Friday night, missing his first weekend in two years. He was run over by a ice-cream truck while the signal was red outside the McDonalds he had worked at for the last 25 years.

The son of a barber, Charles tried working at Disney World for a few years before being fired because children were uncomfortable around him.

He lived a quiet life with his rock collection and coached the junior league whenever he found the time. He bequeathed his baseball mitt to Peppermint Patty and her partner Marcie.

The hip hop artist Snoopy, his childhood companion, spoke at his funeral: "I remember when I was a World War-I flying ace, meeting all the ladies, going to all those far-away places, Charles here would always wait up with a marshmallow sundae."

After Snoopy left to chase his hip-hop dreams, Charlie took solace in his therapist Lucy Van Pelt. They grew dependent, and Lucy eventually left her life on the road as a groupie for the Beatles to move in with him.

Contrary to popular assumption that the song 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' is about a painting made by John Lenon's son, it was actually Lucy and her satchel of prescription drugs that inspired it.

Charles dreamed of being a rockstar, an ambition Lucy never encouraged. His friends blamed her for stunting his potential growth in the music industry, and many of them had distanced themselves from the couple in the last years.

His family was alarmed when the autopsy reports showed that he suffered from syphilis, since they knew him to be a virgin. His little sister Sally, who teaches at Harvard, came to help Linus build a stone wall around the grave.

A unidentified red-haired girl was heard saying at the funeral held on the pitchers' mound, "I wonder if he ever got my valentine."

Lucy has been helping family members overcome their grief, and is charging 5 cents per session.

--
Mitali Parekh

Amber

On a cold sunday sometime in the few past months, a tragic suicide occurred.

Amber H. (was amongst 3 other people all around the age of 15) was mistaken for a woman who had sexual relations with a married elder man. The woman had spotted Amber and instantly felt anger boiling in her blood; the woman approached amber and told her if she wants to live, she must be a slave to her family for the rest of the woman's life. Amber then laughed and continued on with her friends. Frustrated, the woman broke a wine glass over Amber's head and spit in her face. Amber attacked the woman and the woman retreated to her car and left.

Dumbfounded Amber made her way to the bathroom while reaching for the handle of the door someone inside the restroom pushed the door open with force and the door hit Amber in the head. After a few moments of shock, Amber continued into the bathroom where there she stuck her head under the sink to wet her hair to relieve herself of heat. While her head was under the running water someone came into the bathroom and suprised Amber and her head snapped up. The faucet head made its way inside the back of Amber's head where owners of the cafe say they found her that night.

3 suspects are being held in the local prison for murder. Others say that the death was a mere accident.

When friends and family were told what happened, they laughed and muttered something under their breath. Sounds as if there could be more to the case than what the eye sees.

Sara Lee

Friday Oct.13, 2006, 'Sara Lee', 29, an Arizona native was shot and killed in West Phoenix after a drug deal went bad Det.Barker reports. At bout 2100 hrs on the 31st block of Missouri, there were 3 gunshots heard and witnesses say they heard an argument between a male and female before the shots were heard.

Sara was a loving friend, daughter, granddaughter and mother. She was born Sept. 24 1977 in Phoenix to mother Kathy Lee and father Mark Lee. Friends say Sara always looked unhappy, but once you took the time to get to know her, she was an awesome person with a great heart. She got involved with drugs 4 years ago and tried very hard to get away from them several different times says Stacey, Sara's best friend.

She was taken away from us too soon and we always prayed that things with Sara would eventually get better in time and we would never have to see this day.

We are going to miss her. Things will never be the same without her here for anyone who knew her.

Sara is survived by her precious 3 children Adrianna, Anthony and Cheyanne, both mother and father, Mark and Kathy, 2 brothers, Markie and Kenneth, sister, Melissa, grandmother Corinne and many aunts.

Services will be held on Tuesday, October 17 at Chapel of the Chimes between 4pm-8pm and will be laid to rest Wednesday October 18 at 11am at Rest Haven cemetary located on 63 avenue and Northern.

Kenny Died (again)

Kenny,who lives in South Park Colarado has died today at the age 11. Mel Gibson Shot Him mistaking him for a jew. Now the jews want revenge and need ur help to kill mel gibson. Kenny's funeral will be at Stan Mccormicks house and then the food will be at fat boy Eric Cartman's house. Kenny will be alive on tomorrows episode, where he will die again. thanx for ur time.

Mrs.Cartman a.k.a. Cartman's mom

Winnie T. Pooh

Winnie The Pooh, popular children's character and star of over 30 Disney movies, died June 31, 2006 in his home in Beverly Hills, California. Pooh, who rose to fame in 1966 following his first starring role in Disney's "Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree," endeared himself to generations of children, and launched his own line of infants' and children's clothing, toys, books and accessories.

Pooh was born in 1925 in East Sussex, England. He had an unremarkable childhood, was an indifferent student, and was known for referring to himself deprecatingly as the "Bear of Very Little Brain." He was discovered in a London haberdashery by a talent agent who was struck by Pooh's innocent sweetness and tubby fluffiness.

Following his meteoric rise to stardom, he became a favorite of gossip columnists and paparazzi. His first marriage in 1972 to Elizabeth Taylor ended in divorce in 1973. Despite their failed marriage, Pooh and Elizabeth Taylor remained close friends until his death.

In 1974, he married his publicist MaryEllen Dixon. Pooh and Dixon had one daughter, Winnifred Dixon, who died in 1990 of a drug overdose. Pooh and Dixon's divorce in 1979 was widely publicized. Dixon accused Pooh of extramarital affairs with both men and women (including Rock Hudson and Annette Funicello), and Pooh refused to deny her
allegations. In one of his last public appearances apart from his films, a 1979 interview on the Mike Douglas Show, Pooh remarked, "She knew what she was getting when she married me." Dixon was granted an exorbitant divorce settlement that forced Pooh to sell his trademark to Sears, Roebuck and Company.

According to Pooh's childhood friend Christopher Robin, Pooh was diagnosed with HIV in 1997. He would not confirm that Pooh died from complications of AIDS. Pooh left behind his long-time companion Piglet, with whom he had lived since 1985. Speaking through Pooh's agent, Piglet issued the following statement: "My dear friend Pooh
passed away peacefully today after a long illness. My heart is broken, along with the hearts of the children across the world who loved Pooh as the carefree 'Silly Old Bear' from the Hundred Acre Woods. We have lost a great bear today, but he will live on in all of us."

Mitali, 26

Mitali Parekh died at a very middle age while travelling to work on the local train. She fell onto the tracks and was run over by an oncoming train before being flung into the creek. She is presumed to have been eaten by whatever survives in the toxic Vashi waters. Her body has not been found, which is as she always wished.

Mitali was born in February of 1980 and had a very forgettable kind of childhood. Till the very end, she was plagued by the search for something within herself that would raise her above the mediocrity she saw herself to be a part of. She never did, and continued to do jobs she hated.

Friends say that though she was extremely loving and fun (and a tad possessive), she tended to be bizarrely incapable of sustaining happiness. She had severed ties with all but a few of them in fits of insecurity and irrationality.

Her best friend of many years, Ahmed, says he wouldn't put it past her to plan the jump from the train. Though, he thought, she had been cured of her long-standing suicidal tendencies by the birth of her dog BooBoo.

Ahmed has been militantly keeping her family and friends away from her wardrobe and belongings, as instructed by her in a telepathic message from beyond the grave. He has also been told to bitch-slap any hysterics, and reportedly, some factions of her family have already been at the receiving end.

"We were always making plans to conquer the world," said a sobbing Ahmed, "and the last one was almost fool-proof. She should have waited." He was consoled by her other friends, whose e-mail ids he quickly made a note of.

Her twice-estranged husband of many years, Tushar stood lurking in the corner, bemoaning the fact that he would not cryogenically freeze her body and brain for future revival. He was later heard discussing with a friend about simulating her mannerisms by a program that could be hosted by his cell phone. It would nag, ignore, insult and pick sporadic fights with him just like she would.

BooBoo has curled in a corner and would not be swayed even by a shiny red ball.

Bri Lovely

On Sunday, June 25 2006, a young girl named bri at the age of 17 was brutally murdered at 11:15pm. Authorities say she was involved with a drug deal, moments before her death occured, No stable evidence shows that the illegal dealings had anything to do with her death. She was found laying on 63rd street at 6am, by a jogger who says she is afraid to leave her house for the fear the attacker will return. Police say Bri was walking on the sidewalk when someone allegedly struck her on the side of the head with a steel pipe, she awoke about an hour later to find herself in a dark basement surround by bodily fluids, covered in blood, She climbed the stairs and pounded on the heavy door for hours, until finally footsteps were heard , when the door opened the attacker threw the 17 year old down a flight of stairs, Bri was then taken to a room, and chained to a wall covered in old rusted needles, she was incapable of doing anything to fight back, The attacker later returned and beat the 17 year old with a baseball bat for 3 consistant hours, he then removed a knife from his jeans and slashed her face, over 150 cuts were found all over her body, her lips were sewn together, Her wounds were so brutal she would have not survived even if she'd tried.

Parents and friends, are out for revenge searching the neighborhoods and going door to door, The mothers only comment was "When I find Him, I will kill him", her best friend of 7 years made a uproaring speech during the service for the 17 year old "I've known, I mean I know bri, and I have known her for a very long time, She was the love of my life, the kind of person that when you arent with them you feel empty and sick, she always said if either of us was a boy we'd be in love, but we were in love, we already knew we were gonna be friends for the rest of our lives, we used to joke around about how we were going to die, we'd laugh and she told me she expected me to get shot, and she was going to get ran over, we were young, who knew that this day would come so soon, we all love her, She used to just sit around with me and her mom, and we'd always come up with stupid ideas and she'd just go along with it, we had fun, I remember the time we built a snow fort, because we didnt want to be in the house with my parents, we planned on putting a tarp ontop so that my parents couldnt watch us, but we were to late, it had melted by the time we were going to do it, god bless her"

Want to Live Forever? Write Your Own Obit ...

... is the title of an article on Poynter.org that was brought to my attention by a real live obit writer from The Plain Dealer (Cleveland, OH). Thanks! (I'd rather not mention their name, they may not want to be associated with the site.)

There are lots of sites that explain the process of writing an obituary, but most of them suck. They explain the obit as a dry boring series of factual events. This article by Don Fry explains more of how to make the tribute special:

The secret of fascinating obits is pushing the resume into the background.

It's a nice piece and well worth reading if you want to pursue this exercise.

GEORGE W. AND PAT ROBERTSON DIE IN LOVERS’ QUARREL!!!

President George Walker Bush died today at the age of 59 when he was hit so hard between the eyes with one of Reverend Pat Robertson’s stilettos, he tragically was knocked off of his own heels where he then fell down a flight of stairs landing in a crumple of fake hair, eyelashes and taffeta at the feet of the lobotomized First Lady. Seconds after the quarrel, the Reverend, who was wearing a daring Donatella Versace leather bustier, took his own life by sticking a pair of tweezers into the nearest light socket. The stench of burnt hair, flesh and leather permeated the air over the capitol and could be smelled as far away as Annapolis. Pat Robertson was 76 years old.

Obviously, the scandal has rocked the nation and the people are in shock and mourning during this difficult and confusing time. What most feel to be the most tragic of all is the loss of the stunning Vera Wang, which the President was wearing at the time of his death. “At first they were arguing, the President and the Reverend, but then they began bitch slapping each other! And then we heard something flying through the air! It sounded like a boomerang and then WHACK, it struck the President right in the face. He then screamed like a 12-year-old Vienna boy and that’s when he lost his balance and tumbled down the stairs! But then the really horrible part happened, that beautiful dress, it was drenched in the President’s eye shadow, blush and foundation and TOTALLY RUINED! RUINED! RUINED! RUINED! It was just awful!” cried a White House intern. Some would beg to differ and argue that the most atrocious part of the tragedy is the unrecoverable Dolce & Gabbana Purse that mysteriously became lodged in the President’s rectum during the plunge down the stairs.

Unbeknownst to the public, the late President and Reverend were involved in a torrid love affair for the past 20 years. Inside sources say that the two were known in certain circles as “Georgette and Patricia” and were inseparable at their Georgetown parties. Although, the same sources, who wish to remain anonymous, also say that the couple’s relationship could be tumultuous at times. The sources also disclosed the well-hidden secret that the Reverend Jerry Falwell and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld have been a couple (known as “Fiona and Rummy”) and along with the President and Christian leader were in a secret drag cult known as the “Un-Diplomatic Delectable Divas”. Their leader, the Madame of the “Divas” is allegedly none other than Vice President Dick Cheney (known as “Mama Chica Cherry” and reportedly when in drag bears a striking resemblance to Barbara Bush).

The White House and the 700 Club are scrambling to cover up the scandal and are denying any allegations to the validity of the story. Although, the resignations are expected to begin rolling in as the shadow of this turmoil grows. Not surprisingly, many republicans are calling for the impeachment of the dead Executive. Senate Majority Leader, Senator Bill Frist in a press conference just minutes ago, said, “To be responsible for crimes against humanity, the economy and the environment is one thing. But to wear Vera Wang, walk on last season’s Jimmy Choo Shoes AND carry a Dolce & Gabbana in the White House no less?? THIS is a travesty! THIS is the biggest crime against the American people! THIS is impeachable! I am horrified!”

As the photos begin to surface of the President and all his… “men”, the nation will no doubt have something new to grapple with; the Delectable Divas made and make, really ugly women.

The custom of putting the President’s casket to lie in State in the Capitol Building’s Rotunda and eventually snake its way along the streets of Washington to rest in Arlington Cemetery has been postponed indefinitely awaiting further investigation into the possible impeachment of the dead President. Mother Earth is calling for the President’s body to be disposed of on the lunar surface. Her press secretary claims that in life, the President contributed so greatly to her pollution, that she doesn’t want his body.

The First Lady was unavailable for comment. She left minutes after the accident and traveled to Myanmar (formerly known as Burma) to promote her “Cross-Stitching for Librarian’s Rights” campaign. Their daughters are drunk and passed out somewhere.

And together, the nation and the fashion world unite once again in their grief.

Disclaimer: If this obituary is in anyway in violation of the Nazi-Patriot Act and if the C.I.A. or F.B.I. is in anyway monitoring this obituary website, Kevin Charnas of KevinCharnas.com denies ANY knowledge of authoring it. However, he does confess to it being divinely inspired; god spoke to him and this is what she told him to write.

Leroy, 77, Family Guy

SFC Leroy Walker was born on October 7, 1928 in Miami, Florida. He was born the son of Leroy Walker, Sr. and Viola Walker.

He attended the public schools in Miami Florida and graduated from high school. Upon graduation from high school, Leroy joined the Army and had a massive career spanning 35 years. He retired and made his home in Augusta, Georgia. Leroy departed this life on April 21, 2006, at the University Hospital in Augusta, Georgia.

He married Josephine Davis in 1949 and to this union 6 children were born. Leroy (Jessica) Walker, III, of New York, New York, Diana (Steven) Jones of Chicago, Illinois, Lisa (Marvin) Herndon of Los Angeles, California, Brenda (Harry) Weston of Miami, Florida, Marilyn (James) Avery of Dallas, Texas, Belinda (Charles) Mackey of Fayetteville, North Carolina. Josephine preceded him in death in 1962. In 1965 he married Queenie Beard Childs and to this union one daughter was born, Olivia (Willie) Watford of Snellville, Georgia.

Leroy was involved in many organizations upon his death. He was an avid community activist.

In 1995 he met and married Mattie Dozier. To this union, no children were born.

He leaves to mourn his passing, his loving wife, Mattie, his children, Leroy Walker, Jr., Diana Jones, Lisa Herndon, Brenda Weston, Marilyn Avery, Belinda Mackey and Olivia Watford, 22 grandchildren, and a host of nieces, nephews and cousins.

Kristen, age 60

Kristen, 60, was laid to rest today in Mozambique. She was a divorced mother of 2 grown children.

Kristen grew up in Los Angeles. The child of highly educated and busy parents, Kristen loved sports and was an excellent student. At 14, she met her future husband and dropped most of her desires and dreams to make his come true. She stayed home for more than fifteen years as a stay at home mother, while her husband had a demanding career in the entertainment industry.

After living most of her life as a loving daughter, wife and mother, Kristen (divorced) finally got the chance to travel and explore the world. After visiting Ireland, Denmark, Italy and Australia...she went on a journey through Africa for a month long adventure. Unfortunately, the trip turned deadly as Kristen was trampled by 2 bull elephants while on a sightseeing safari with 4 other travelers. She was the only one to perish.

Kristen was full of life. She raised two beautiful children, mostly on her own as her husband traveled frequently for his job. She loved to be creative. She loved to dance. She loved to grow flowers and was truly a free spirit.

Kristen was also known to have a wicked sense of humor. She loved to be playful and didn't take her self too seriously. She installed this love of life in her children and would always comment that raising her girls was the most important thing she ever did.

Kristen is survived by her daughters, Emi(27) and Kate (35). Kate, a professional athlete, had travelled on Safari with her mother and was a witness to her terrible demise. Emi, an artist and mother of 1, lives in Seattle with her husband.

Kristen will also be missed by her loving partner, Jean Luc. Jean Luc, a professor of psychology, was a pivotal influence in her life. Full of insight and wisdom, Jean Luc was a supportive soul, offering Kristen a relationship full of intimacy and laughter. Kristen grew and flourished in the last years of her life. She learned to accept herself within Jean Luc's eyes, and had come to a calm, peaceful place in her life. She had taken up yoga with Jean Luc, and they both loved the study of tantric sex. The later years were very very good to Kristen.

Kristen's family is asking for donations in her memory to be sent to a fund for African Orphans of Bull Elephant stampedes.