Matthew Gester, 43, bear accident

Mr. Matthew Gester, 43, from Norwood, Massachusetts went straight to fucking hell today this 31st day of May 2008. Malled to death by an escaped circus bear. He is preceded in death by his wife and children. A Professional writer by trade he enjoyed hiking, skiing and artistry. Ironic that he was best known for the means by which he was killed; eaten by a escaped circus bear. Why oh why did Matthew go hiking that day?

Logam, 12

Prince James "Logam" St. James died - kind of - at the tender age of 12 years old. Logam was shot by a firing squad; he did survive but was later punched repeatedly in the face until his head caved in leading to his death. St. James was born and grew up in SPringsdaletonberg, England. He joined his father, his father's father and his father's, father's father, who all preceded him. Logam, advanced for his years, was Prince of all he surveyed and participated in decadent activities no commoner could conceive of. He regrets nothing damnit!

Shannon, 30

Mlle. Shannon Vaughn, 30 of Greenville, North Carolina went to the Lord on March 16, 2008.

A brutally hard worker, as all high school teachers are, Shannon was dedicated to her students. She taught English at D. H. Conley High School always taking time to create lesson plans as unique as the curriculum would allow. Once she created a crossover lesson plan combining the experimental physics with a writing exercise address the inadequacy of most scientists' writing. It was efforts like this she was most remembered for and efforts like this that created stress to the point it manifested as an unknown disease. She was hospitalized and died during the night while with many family members. Her students, whom she was so dedicated, will miss her as much as family. Her commitment was unrivaled by anyone at Conley.

She will join Pookie, her cherished Pug, in the afterlife. They will romp the fields and Pookie will poop wherever he wants while they frolic.

She wished she could have disengaged a bit more from the creative lesson plan preparation and the concern she had for students' lives, but little did she realize realized her efforts were appreciated more than she imagined. There were several hundred students at the funeral. It was a short but rich life.

Bammie Did it Her Way, 114

After the earth orbited the sun one hundred fourteen times, Bammie "Dame Mimmy" gracefully hovered from enlightenment to Enlightenment where she will join and be welcomed by those who preceded her. She is now in the company of St. Nancy and Paul F. Esquire who arrived a few months ago to start the celebration.

While dancing with her dark, mysterious lover in the shadows of a moonlit tower in Emillia Romagna, she took a fall resulting in a fatal skull fracture.

Bammie may have been considered a bad girl in her youth, but by the time she was older, she commanded respect and love from all who knew her. Notably, she was a loving mother to two beautiful children and cherished friend to anyone who took the time to know her; Thelma will miss her dearly.

She was a strong woman of many pursuits. A tireless writer, her work peaked with the inspirational bestseller "Hot Girl Soup: The Good Girl's Guide to Being Bad in Your 30's and 40's." And, oh was she bad. The highly acclaimed novel was believed by critics to have transformed a generation of "not quite mid-lifers" into women of extraordinary strength who claimed their well-deserved power and made the world more loving, peaceful and harmonious. At least, that's what she thoroughly believed while sipping wine and smoking on the beach dangling her feet in the gentle surf with Thelma.

"In the great centre of cosmic creation, where all is bliss, no words are necessary, and there is only LOVE."

Lord Michale Radcliffe, 277

Lord Michale "Lord Mike" Radcliffe pissed one too many times. Lord Mike hailed from the lush land of Nelson B.C. Canada and after many years proceeded to go straight to hell.

Lord Radcliffe lived a full life. A damn full life of two hundred and seventy seven years. Although he was passionate about the lush green and mountainous terrain of his hometown of Nelson B.C., he became a bit adventurous at the age of a spry 150 and decided to pursue his lifelong desire to head south to the U.S. of A. There he made a second successful living in Utah as a toymaker. He met and married Melissa, and with her, started the toy company Melissa and Doug.

After the passing of Melissa, he yearned for his hometown and returned to Canada. Never satisfied in one location for long, and at a creaky age and barely continent, he fled to the U.S. again. Since the Patriot Act was passed, paperwork was more carefully evaluated at the border. Feeling rushed after a long life, he decided to hop the fence. A real fence. In the last two decades of his life, the U.S. had been entirely encircled with an electrified chain link fence. The unfortunate confluence of his age-related bladder problems, having just smoked a bit and crossing the fence led to his demise. He urinated on the fence and the shock raced back and ...

He knew how to rile even the border patrol. He and his crazy spirit will be sorely missed. Farewell Lord Michale.

Samantha "Samy" Wright, 18

Ms. Samantha "Samy" Wright 18 of the quirky-cool Grants Pass Oregon will be reincarnated - eventually - as a Siberian tiger. She was taken from her hometown at a tender young age when her skull was crushed as a tragic result of a parachute malfunction while base jumping in the Rogue Valley area. Her corpse drifted down the Rogue River until it was snagged in the rapids where it was discovered by a tour of whitewater rafting nuns. They said a Rosary immediately.

Samantha was a vivacious participant in her school's color guard. She was especially adept at twirling flags. Hardly pretentious, but she couldn't resist showing her skills by spinning sabers and rifles on occasion. She became so good at her discipline, she became a well-respected coach. "She didn't just lead, she inspired." remarked several of her trainees. She was also on track to begin studies at the University of California this Fall where she would pursue a broad range of studies to learn "lots about lots" without being too narrowly bound intellectually. She loved to learn.

Her love of learning was rivaled only by her passion for bringing fun to others, even when it was sometimes challenging to do so. Taking friends out to dance, snowboard or shopping were daily routines for Samy. She and her friends always had memorable times.

Looking back on her brief but special life, she was happy to know how many lives she touched and made better by her existence. She only wished she could appreciate how special the gifts she brought to this life were. She will be missed by many.

Natalie, 108

Natalie was grateful to die of old age. She was really, really old. 108 years.

Her life was good. She was thankful for many things. Born February 8, 1900 and died February 14, 2008 in the lush, green hills of Greensburg, Pennsylvania, she is survived by the grace of God.

Natalie was more intelligent than her lack of scholarly awards would suggest. Although she stayed at home, she maintained her thin lithe frame by being engaged and industrious in everything life had to offer only taking brief breaks to speak on the phone. Her home was always spotless.

Never married. She was an active member of the First Church of God In Christ in Greensburg; despite her strong faith she often let people into her life and enjoyed watching their reaction when she told them she was a virgin. Her spelling was awful. She will be dearly missed.

Nissan James, 44

Found dead in Vancouver, Canada. Born in Mexico City. Allegedly shot and killed because of his friendship with the rapper "fisko23."

Born March 18th 1978. Survived by his only child Levi Castelan and his 3rd wife the Mexican actress Camila Sodi. Earned a Degree in psychology and language teaching. Buddhist. Producer, composer and bass guitarist with mexican death-metal band "Belibette" whose 5th record remained number 1 for seven months.

Co-founder member and bass player of the undergound grind-metal band "Kannabiscerdos". 1st wife, Areli Morales. 2nd wife, Cyntia Yossette. He tried to find "the truth of it all" and died trying.

Annie Bell Jordan, 85

Born Aug. 1923, departed her life on Jan 31,2008 at Heartstone Memorial Hospital, Summerdale, AL.

She leaves to mourn 2 daughters, Irene Williams of Mobile, AL. and Alice Perkins of Elizabehtown, N.C., 1 devoted son Freeman Henderson of Sprucesprings, AL., 6 Grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren. A host of nieces and nephews, relatives and friends.

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
EVEN THOUGH WE CAN NOT TOUCH YOU ANYMORE, YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.
WE MAY NOT SEE YOUR SMILE AGAIN, YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.
YOU HAVE MOVED ON TO THAT WONDERFUL PLACE WHERE WE WILL ALL MEET
AGAIN; GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN!

Charlie Brown, 55

Charles Brown.

The round-headed kid died late on Friday night, missing his first weekend in two years. He was run over by a ice-cream truck while the signal was red outside the McDonalds he had worked at for the last 25 years.

The son of a barber, Charles tried working at Disney World for a few years before being fired because children were uncomfortable around him.

He lived a quiet life with his rock collection and coached the junior league whenever he found the time. He bequeathed his baseball mitt to Peppermint Patty and her partner Marcie.

The hip hop artist Snoopy, his childhood companion, spoke at his funeral: "I remember when I was a World War-I flying ace, meeting all the ladies, going to all those far-away places, Charles here would always wait up with a marshmallow sundae."

After Snoopy left to chase his hip-hop dreams, Charlie took solace in his therapist Lucy Van Pelt. They grew dependent, and Lucy eventually left her life on the road as a groupie for the Beatles to move in with him.

Contrary to popular assumption that the song 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' is about a painting made by John Lenon's son, it was actually Lucy and her satchel of prescription drugs that inspired it.

Charles dreamed of being a rockstar, an ambition Lucy never encouraged. His friends blamed her for stunting his potential growth in the music industry, and many of them had distanced themselves from the couple in the last years.

His family was alarmed when the autopsy reports showed that he suffered from syphilis, since they knew him to be a virgin. His little sister Sally, who teaches at Harvard, came to help Linus build a stone wall around the grave.

A unidentified red-haired girl was heard saying at the funeral held on the pitchers' mound, "I wonder if he ever got my valentine."

Lucy has been helping family members overcome their grief, and is charging 5 cents per session.

--
Mitali Parekh

Amber

On a cold sunday sometime in the few past months, a tragic suicide occurred.

Amber H. (was amongst 3 other people all around the age of 15) was mistaken for a woman who had sexual relations with a married elder man. The woman had spotted Amber and instantly felt anger boiling in her blood; the woman approached amber and told her if she wants to live, she must be a slave to her family for the rest of the woman's life. Amber then laughed and continued on with her friends. Frustrated, the woman broke a wine glass over Amber's head and spit in her face. Amber attacked the woman and the woman retreated to her car and left.

Dumbfounded Amber made her way to the bathroom while reaching for the handle of the door someone inside the restroom pushed the door open with force and the door hit Amber in the head. After a few moments of shock, Amber continued into the bathroom where there she stuck her head under the sink to wet her hair to relieve herself of heat. While her head was under the running water someone came into the bathroom and suprised Amber and her head snapped up. The faucet head made its way inside the back of Amber's head where owners of the cafe say they found her that night.

3 suspects are being held in the local prison for murder. Others say that the death was a mere accident.

When friends and family were told what happened, they laughed and muttered something under their breath. Sounds as if there could be more to the case than what the eye sees.

Sara Lee

Friday Oct.13, 2006, 'Sara Lee', 29, an Arizona native was shot and killed in West Phoenix after a drug deal went bad Det.Barker reports. At bout 2100 hrs on the 31st block of Missouri, there were 3 gunshots heard and witnesses say they heard an argument between a male and female before the shots were heard.

Sara was a loving friend, daughter, granddaughter and mother. She was born Sept. 24 1977 in Phoenix to mother Kathy Lee and father Mark Lee. Friends say Sara always looked unhappy, but once you took the time to get to know her, she was an awesome person with a great heart. She got involved with drugs 4 years ago and tried very hard to get away from them several different times says Stacey, Sara's best friend.

She was taken away from us too soon and we always prayed that things with Sara would eventually get better in time and we would never have to see this day.

We are going to miss her. Things will never be the same without her here for anyone who knew her.

Sara is survived by her precious 3 children Adrianna, Anthony and Cheyanne, both mother and father, Mark and Kathy, 2 brothers, Markie and Kenneth, sister, Melissa, grandmother Corinne and many aunts.

Services will be held on Tuesday, October 17 at Chapel of the Chimes between 4pm-8pm and will be laid to rest Wednesday October 18 at 11am at Rest Haven cemetary located on 63 avenue and Northern.

Kenny Died (again)

Kenny,who lives in South Park Colarado has died today at the age 11. Mel Gibson Shot Him mistaking him for a jew. Now the jews want revenge and need ur help to kill mel gibson. Kenny's funeral will be at Stan Mccormicks house and then the food will be at fat boy Eric Cartman's house. Kenny will be alive on tomorrows episode, where he will die again. thanx for ur time.

Mrs.Cartman a.k.a. Cartman's mom

Winnie T. Pooh

Winnie The Pooh, popular children's character and star of over 30 Disney movies, died June 31, 2006 in his home in Beverly Hills, California. Pooh, who rose to fame in 1966 following his first starring role in Disney's "Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree," endeared himself to generations of children, and launched his own line of infants' and children's clothing, toys, books and accessories.

Pooh was born in 1925 in East Sussex, England. He had an unremarkable childhood, was an indifferent student, and was known for referring to himself deprecatingly as the "Bear of Very Little Brain." He was discovered in a London haberdashery by a talent agent who was struck by Pooh's innocent sweetness and tubby fluffiness.

Following his meteoric rise to stardom, he became a favorite of gossip columnists and paparazzi. His first marriage in 1972 to Elizabeth Taylor ended in divorce in 1973. Despite their failed marriage, Pooh and Elizabeth Taylor remained close friends until his death.

In 1974, he married his publicist MaryEllen Dixon. Pooh and Dixon had one daughter, Winnifred Dixon, who died in 1990 of a drug overdose. Pooh and Dixon's divorce in 1979 was widely publicized. Dixon accused Pooh of extramarital affairs with both men and women (including Rock Hudson and Annette Funicello), and Pooh refused to deny her
allegations. In one of his last public appearances apart from his films, a 1979 interview on the Mike Douglas Show, Pooh remarked, "She knew what she was getting when she married me." Dixon was granted an exorbitant divorce settlement that forced Pooh to sell his trademark to Sears, Roebuck and Company.

According to Pooh's childhood friend Christopher Robin, Pooh was diagnosed with HIV in 1997. He would not confirm that Pooh died from complications of AIDS. Pooh left behind his long-time companion Piglet, with whom he had lived since 1985. Speaking through Pooh's agent, Piglet issued the following statement: "My dear friend Pooh
passed away peacefully today after a long illness. My heart is broken, along with the hearts of the children across the world who loved Pooh as the carefree 'Silly Old Bear' from the Hundred Acre Woods. We have lost a great bear today, but he will live on in all of us."