Friday, October 13, 2006

Charlie Brown, 55

Charles Brown.

The round-headed kid died late on Friday night, missing his first weekend in two years. He was run over by a ice-cream truck while the signal was red outside the McDonalds he had worked at for the last 25 years.

The son of a barber, Charles tried working at Disney World for a few years before being fired because children were uncomfortable around him.

He lived a quiet life with his rock collection and coached the junior league whenever he found the time. He bequeathed his baseball mitt to Peppermint Patty and her partner Marcie.

The hip hop artist Snoopy, his childhood companion, spoke at his funeral: "I remember when I was a World War-I flying ace, meeting all the ladies, going to all those far-away places, Charles here would always wait up with a marshmallow sundae."

After Snoopy left to chase his hip-hop dreams, Charlie took solace in his therapist Lucy Van Pelt. They grew dependent, and Lucy eventually left her life on the road as a groupie for the Beatles to move in with him.

Contrary to popular assumption that the song 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' is about a painting made by John Lenon's son, it was actually Lucy and her satchel of prescription drugs that inspired it.

Charles dreamed of being a rockstar, an ambition Lucy never encouraged. His friends blamed her for stunting his potential growth in the music industry, and many of them had distanced themselves from the couple in the last years.

His family was alarmed when the autopsy reports showed that he suffered from syphilis, since they knew him to be a virgin. His little sister Sally, who teaches at Harvard, came to help Linus build a stone wall around the grave.

A unidentified red-haired girl was heard saying at the funeral held on the pitchers' mound, "I wonder if he ever got my valentine."

Lucy has been helping family members overcome their grief, and is charging 5 cents per session.

Mitali Parekh

Saturday, October 07, 2006


briOn a cold sunday sometime in the few past months, a tragic suicide occurred.

Amber H. (was amongst 3 other people all around the age of 15) was mistaken for a woman who had sexual relations with a married elder man. The woman had spotted Amber and instantly felt anger boiling in her blood; the woman approached amber and told her if she wants to live, she must be a slave to her family for the rest of the woman's life. Amber then laughed and continued on with her friends. Frustrated, the woman broke a wine glass over Amber's head and spit in her face. Amber attacked the woman and the woman retreated to her car and left.

Dumbfounded Amber made her way to the bathroom while reaching for the handle of the door someone inside the restroom pushed the door open with force and the door hit Amber in the head. After a few moments of shock, Amber continued into the bathroom where there she stuck her head under the sink to wet her hair to relieve herself of heat. While her head was under the running water someone came into the bathroom and suprised Amber and her head snapped up. The faucet head made its way inside the back of Amber's head where owners of the cafe say they found her that night.

3 suspects are being held in the local prison for murder. Others say that the death was a mere accident.

When friends and family were told what happened, they laughed and muttered something under their breath. Sounds as if there could be more to the case than what the eye sees.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Sara Lee

Friday Oct.13, 2006, 'Sara Lee', 29, an Arizona native was shot and killed in West Phoenix after a drug deal went bad Det.Barker reports. At bout 2100 hrs on the 31st block of Missouri, there were 3 gunshots heard and witnesses say they heard an argument between a male and female before the shots were heard.

Sara was a loving friend, daughter, granddaughter and mother. She was born Sept. 24 1977 in Phoenix to mother Kathy Lee and father Mark Lee. Friends say Sara always looked unhappy, but once you took the time to get to know her, she was an awesome person with a great heart. She got involved with drugs 4 years ago and tried very hard to get away from them several different times says Stacey, Sara's best friend.

She was taken away from us too soon and we always prayed that things with Sara would eventually get better in time and we would never have to see this day.

We are going to miss her. Things will never be the same without her here for anyone who knew her.

Sara is survived by her precious 3 children Adrianna, Anthony and Cheyanne, both mother and father, Mark and Kathy, 2 brothers, Markie and Kenneth, sister, Melissa, grandmother Corinne and many aunts.

Services will be held on Tuesday, October 17 at Chapel of the Chimes between 4pm-8pm and will be laid to rest Wednesday October 18 at 11am at Rest Haven cemetary located on 63 avenue and Northern.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Kenny Died (again)

Kenny,who lives in South Park Colarado has died today at the age 11. Mel Gibson Shot Him mistaking him for a jew. Now the jews want revenge and need ur help to kill mel gibson. Kenny's funeral will be at Stan Mccormicks house and then the food will be at fat boy Eric Cartman's house. Kenny will be alive on tomorrows episode, where he will die again. thanx for ur time.

Mrs.Cartman a.k.a. Cartman's mom

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Winnie T. Pooh

Winnie The Pooh, popular children's character and star of over 30 Disney movies, died June 31, 2006 in his home in Beverly Hills, California. Pooh, who rose to fame in 1966 following his first starring role in Disney's "Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree," endeared himself to generations of children, and launched his own line of infants' and children's clothing, toys, books and accessories.

Pooh was born in 1925 in East Sussex, England. He had an unremarkable childhood, was an indifferent student, and was known for referring to himself deprecatingly as the "Bear of Very Little Brain." He was discovered in a London haberdashery by a talent agent who was struck by Pooh's innocent sweetness and tubby fluffiness.

Following his meteoric rise to stardom, he became a favorite of gossip columnists and paparazzi. His first marriage in 1972 to Elizabeth Taylor ended in divorce in 1973. Despite their failed marriage, Pooh and Elizabeth Taylor remained close friends until his death.

In 1974, he married his publicist MaryEllen Dixon. Pooh and Dixon had one daughter, Winnifred Dixon, who died in 1990 of a drug overdose. Pooh and Dixon's divorce in 1979 was widely publicized. Dixon accused Pooh of extramarital affairs with both men and women (including Rock Hudson and Annette Funicello), and Pooh refused to deny her
allegations. In one of his last public appearances apart from his films, a 1979 interview on the Mike Douglas Show, Pooh remarked, "She knew what she was getting when she married me." Dixon was granted an exorbitant divorce settlement that forced Pooh to sell his trademark to Sears, Roebuck and Company.

According to Pooh's childhood friend Christopher Robin, Pooh was diagnosed with HIV in 1997. He would not confirm that Pooh died from complications of AIDS. Pooh left behind his long-time companion Piglet, with whom he had lived since 1985. Speaking through Pooh's agent, Piglet issued the following statement: "My dear friend Pooh
passed away peacefully today after a long illness. My heart is broken, along with the hearts of the children across the world who loved Pooh as the carefree 'Silly Old Bear' from the Hundred Acre Woods. We have lost a great bear today, but he will live on in all of us."

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Mitali, 26

Mitali Parekh died at a very middle age while travelling to work on the local train. She fell onto the tracks and was run over by an oncoming train before being flung into the creek. She is presumed to have been eaten by whatever survives in the toxic Vashi waters. Her body has not been found, which is as she always wished.

Mitali was born in February of 1980 and had a very forgettable kind of childhood. Till the very end, she was plagued by the search for something within herself that would raise her above the mediocrity she saw herself to be a part of. She never did, and continued to do jobs she hated.

Friends say that though she was extremely loving and fun (and a tad possessive), she tended to be bizarrely incapable of sustaining happiness. She had severed ties with all but a few of them in fits of insecurity and irrationality.

Her best friend of many years, Ahmed, says he wouldn't put it past her to plan the jump from the train. Though, he thought, she had been cured of her long-standing suicidal tendencies by the birth of her dog BooBoo.

Ahmed has been militantly keeping her family and friends away from her wardrobe and belongings, as instructed by her in a telepathic message from beyond the grave. He has also been told to bitch-slap any hysterics, and reportedly, some factions of her family have already been at the receiving end.

"We were always making plans to conquer the world," said a sobbing Ahmed, "and the last one was almost fool-proof. She should have waited." He was consoled by her other friends, whose e-mail ids he quickly made a note of.

Her twice-estranged husband of many years, Tushar stood lurking in the corner, bemoaning the fact that he would not cryogenically freeze her body and brain for future revival. He was later heard discussing with a friend about simulating her mannerisms by a program that could be hosted by his cell phone. It would nag, ignore, insult and pick sporadic fights with him just like she would.

BooBoo has curled in a corner and would not be swayed even by a shiny red ball.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Bri Lovely

On Sunday, June 25 2006, a young girl named bri at the age of 17 was brutally murdered at 11:15pm. Authorities say she was involved with a drug deal, moments before her death occured, No stable evidence shows that the illegal dealings had anything to do with her death. She was found laying on 63rd street at 6am, by a jogger who says she is afraid to leave her house for the fear the attacker will return. Police say Bri was walking on the sidewalk when someone allegedly struck her on the side of the head with a steel pipe, she awoke about an hour later to find herself in a dark basement surround by bodily fluids, covered in blood, She climbed the stairs and pounded on the heavy door for hours, until finally footsteps were heard , when the door opened the attacker threw the 17 year old down a flight of stairs, Bri was then taken to a room, and chained to a wall covered in old rusted needles, she was incapable of doing anything to fight back, The attacker later returned and beat the 17 year old with a baseball bat for 3 consistant hours, he then removed a knife from his jeans and slashed her face, over 150 cuts were found all over her body, her lips were sewn together, Her wounds were so brutal she would have not survived even if she'd tried.

Parents and friends, are out for revenge searching the neighborhoods and going door to door, The mothers only comment was "When I find Him, I will kill him", her best friend of 7 years made a uproaring speech during the service for the 17 year old "I've known, I mean I know bri, and I have known her for a very long time, She was the love of my life, the kind of person that when you arent with them you feel empty and sick, she always said if either of us was a boy we'd be in love, but we were in love, we already knew we were gonna be friends for the rest of our lives, we used to joke around about how we were going to die, we'd laugh and she told me she expected me to get shot, and she was going to get ran over, we were young, who knew that this day would come so soon, we all love her, She used to just sit around with me and her mom, and we'd always come up with stupid ideas and she'd just go along with it, we had fun, I remember the time we built a snow fort, because we didnt want to be in the house with my parents, we planned on putting a tarp ontop so that my parents couldnt watch us, but we were to late, it had melted by the time we were going to do it, god bless her"

Friday, May 05, 2006

Want to Live Forever? Write Your Own Obit ...

... is the title of an article on that was brought to my attention by a real live obit writer from The Plain Dealer (Cleveland, OH). Thanks! (I'd rather not mention their name, they may not want to be associated with the site.)

There are lots of sites that explain the process of writing an obituary, but most of them suck. They explain the obit as a dry boring series of factual events. This article by Don Fry explains more of how to make the tribute special:

The secret of fascinating obits is pushing the resume into the background.
It's a nice piece and well worth reading if you want to pursue this exercise.

Thursday, April 27, 2006


President George Walker Bush died today at the age of 59 when he was hit so hard between the eyes with one of Reverend Pat Robertson’s stilettos, he tragically was knocked off of his own heels where he then fell down a flight of stairs landing in a crumple of fake hair, eyelashes and taffeta at the feet of the lobotomized First Lady. Seconds after the quarrel, the Reverend, who was wearing a daring Donatella Versace leather bustier, took his own life by sticking a pair of tweezers into the nearest light socket. The stench of burnt hair, flesh and leather permeated the air over the capitol and could be smelled as far away as Annapolis. Pat Robertson was 76 years old.

Obviously, the scandal has rocked the nation and the people are in shock and mourning during this difficult and confusing time. What most feel to be the most tragic of all is the loss of the stunning Vera Wang, which the President was wearing at the time of his death. “At first they were arguing, the President and the Reverend, but then they began bitch slapping each other! And then we heard something flying through the air! It sounded like a boomerang and then WHACK, it struck the President right in the face. He then screamed like a 12-year-old Vienna boy and that’s when he lost his balance and tumbled down the stairs! But then the really horrible part happened, that beautiful dress, it was drenched in the President’s eye shadow, blush and foundation and TOTALLY RUINED! RUINED! RUINED! RUINED! It was just awful!” cried a White House intern. Some would beg to differ and argue that the most atrocious part of the tragedy is the unrecoverable Dolce & Gabbana Purse that mysteriously became lodged in the President’s rectum during the plunge down the stairs.

Unbeknownst to the public, the late President and Reverend were involved in a torrid love affair for the past 20 years. Inside sources say that the two were known in certain circles as “Georgette and Patricia” and were inseparable at their Georgetown parties. Although, the same sources, who wish to remain anonymous, also say that the couple’s relationship could be tumultuous at times. The sources also disclosed the well-hidden secret that the Reverend Jerry Falwell and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld have been a couple (known as “Fiona and Rummy”) and along with the President and Christian leader were in a secret drag cult known as the “Un-Diplomatic Delectable Divas”. Their leader, the Madame of the “Divas” is allegedly none other than Vice President Dick Cheney (known as “Mama Chica Cherry” and reportedly when in drag bears a striking resemblance to Barbara Bush).

The White House and the 700 Club are scrambling to cover up the scandal and are denying any allegations to the validity of the story. Although, the resignations are expected to begin rolling in as the shadow of this turmoil grows. Not surprisingly, many republicans are calling for the impeachment of the dead Executive. Senate Majority Leader, Senator Bill Frist in a press conference just minutes ago, said, “To be responsible for crimes against humanity, the economy and the environment is one thing. But to wear Vera Wang, walk on last season’s Jimmy Choo Shoes AND carry a Dolce & Gabbana in the White House no less?? THIS is a travesty! THIS is the biggest crime against the American people! THIS is impeachable! I am horrified!”

As the photos begin to surface of the President and all his… “men”, the nation will no doubt have something new to grapple with; the Delectable Divas made and make, really ugly women.

The custom of putting the President’s casket to lie in State in the Capitol Building’s Rotunda and eventually snake its way along the streets of Washington to rest in Arlington Cemetery has been postponed indefinitely awaiting further investigation into the possible impeachment of the dead President. Mother Earth is calling for the President’s body to be disposed of on the lunar surface. Her press secretary claims that in life, the President contributed so greatly to her pollution, that she doesn’t want his body.

The First Lady was unavailable for comment. She left minutes after the accident and traveled to Myanmar (formerly known as Burma) to promote her “Cross-Stitching for Librarian’s Rights” campaign. Their daughters are drunk and passed out somewhere.

And together, the nation and the fashion world unite once again in their grief.

Disclaimer: If this obituary is in anyway in violation of the Nazi-Patriot Act and if the C.I.A. or F.B.I. is in anyway monitoring this obituary website, Kevin Charnas of denies ANY knowledge of authoring it. However, he does confess to it being divinely inspired; god spoke to him and this is what she told him to write.

Leroy, 77, Family Guy

SFC Leroy Walker was born on October 7, 1928 in Miami, Florida. He was born the son of Leroy Walker, Sr. and Viola Walker.

He attended the public schools in Miami Florida and graduated from high school. Upon graduation from high school, Leroy joined the Army and had a massive career spanning 35 years. He retired and made his home in Augusta, Georgia. Leroy departed this life on April 21, 2006, at the University Hospital in Augusta, Georgia.

He married Josephine Davis in 1949 and to this union 6 children were born. Leroy (Jessica) Walker, III, of New York, New York, Diana (Steven) Jones of Chicago, Illinois, Lisa (Marvin) Herndon of Los Angeles, California, Brenda (Harry) Weston of Miami, Florida, Marilyn (James) Avery of Dallas, Texas, Belinda (Charles) Mackey of Fayetteville, North Carolina. Josephine preceded him in death in 1962. In 1965 he married Queenie Beard Childs and to this union one daughter was born, Olivia (Willie) Watford of Snellville, Georgia.

Leroy was involved in many organizations upon his death. He was an avid community activist.

In 1995 he met and married Mattie Dozier. To this union, no children were born.

He leaves to mourn his passing, his loving wife, Mattie, his children, Leroy Walker, Jr., Diana Jones, Lisa Herndon, Brenda Weston, Marilyn Avery, Belinda Mackey and Olivia Watford, 22 grandchildren, and a host of nieces, nephews and cousins.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Kristen, age 60

Kristen, 60, was laid to rest today in Mozambique. She was a divorced mother of 2 grown children.

Kristen grew up in Los Angeles. The child of highly educated and busy parents, Kristen loved sports and was an excellent student. At 14, she met her future husband and dropped most of her desires and dreams to make his come true. She stayed home for more than fifteen years as a stay at home mother, while her husband had a demanding career in the entertainment industry.

After living most of her life as a loving daughter, wife and mother, Kristen (divorced) finally got the chance to travel and explore the world. After visiting Ireland, Denmark, Italy and Australia...she went on a journey through Africa for a month long adventure. Unfortunately, the trip turned deadly as Kristen was trampled by 2 bull elephants while on a sightseeing safari with 4 other travelers. She was the only one to perish.

Kristen was full of life. She raised two beautiful children, mostly on her own as her husband traveled frequently for his job. She loved to be creative. She loved to dance. She loved to grow flowers and was truly a free spirit.

Kristen was also known to have a wicked sense of humor. She loved to be playful and didn't take her self too seriously. She installed this love of life in her children and would always comment that raising her girls was the most important thing she ever did.

Kristen is survived by her daughters, Emi(27) and Kate (35). Kate, a professional athlete, had travelled on Safari with her mother and was a witness to her terrible demise. Emi, an artist and mother of 1, lives in Seattle with her husband.

Kristen will also be missed by her loving partner, Jean Luc. Jean Luc, a professor of psychology, was a pivotal influence in her life. Full of insight and wisdom, Jean Luc was a supportive soul, offering Kristen a relationship full of intimacy and laughter. Kristen grew and flourished in the last years of her life. She learned to accept herself within Jean Luc's eyes, and had come to a calm, peaceful place in her life. She had taken up yoga with Jean Luc, and they both loved the study of tantric sex. The later years were very very good to Kristen.

Kristen's family is asking for donations in her memory to be sent to a fund for African Orphans of Bull Elephant stampedes.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Anne, 18

Anne died while being driven to the hospital at 1:23 am. The official cause of death was alcohol poisoning. Two good Samaritans reportedly found Anne in the park. “She was crying a lot and she kept saying, "I can’t see, I can’t see.” It was obvious that Anne was dangerously intoxicated. Mark and his wife Jennifer, both residents of the neighborhood, took it upon themselves to drive the girl to the hospital.

Mark recounted sadly, “We sat together in the backseat and I put my arm around her. Her head kept dropping down on her chest and I began to get really worried.” He paused, reflecting. “She was scared. I think she knew she was going to die. After a while she stopped crying and that’s when I realized that she wasn’t moving either.”

Anne was a bright young girl about to start college in the fall. Everyone who knew her claimed that she had her entire future ahead of her. Anne had a sensitive nature and was deeply loved by her family and a few close friends. She was a relatively well-known babysitter in the neighborhood and much sought out for, valued for her responsibility, honesty, and compassion.

Her parents and friends remain baffled as to why she would drink herself to death. But her parents do claim that she had a history of abusing alcohol. Her mother remembered a time when she found Anne wandering around their apartment complex naked. Anne was heavily intoxicated and had no memory of anything in the morning.

A neighbor who often asked Anne to baby-sit said, “I had no idea she drank. Anne was always so good with our children.”

Why did Anne drink so excessively? Was it an accident or a suicide? These questions continue to plague Anne’s family and friends.

Jamie, a classmate of Anne’s, eloquently stated, “She was always quiet. If I saw her at a party or something I usually would forget that she was even there and I would end up standing right in front of her. It’s not like I meant to, it’s just that she seemed to become part of the wall, like the scenery. Now that she's dead, I wish I hadn't forgotten about her."

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Tom Okano, 41, Enthusiastic Guy

Tom Okano of Middlebury, Ohio was run down outside his home by a 2006 black Mazda 6 sporting a set of Yokohama Advan Neova AD07 ultra performance 18" tires. Ironically, Mr. Okano was a tire salesman and tire fanatic.

Tom had many hobbies, but his passion was tires.


Tom would shine no matter what he did with his professional or personal life. He was a dedicated father of two 18 year-old boys (twins) and is also survived by his loving wife of 16 years, Estelle.

"Tom was a madman", claimed a customer who was in the shop recently, "he had a set of tires for Summer and a set for Winter - wheels and everything!"

What seemed to set Tom apart from the crowd was his enthusiasm when he explained things. "He worked in a tire shop, but you'd think he was a professor, his explanations were so thorough", said another customer. "At times, I thought he'd pull out a chalkboard and start drawing diagrams", the customer continued.

Tom spent a stint in Silicon Valley in the early 90's as an interface between code-writing geeks and venture capitalists. He facilitated communication regardless of how disparate the disciplines were. Having earned enough cash to get a job that wasn't quite as "fast-track", he and his family moved to Middlebury in the late 90's and Tom secured a job selling tires at a shop in Columbus, OH.

He is missed most by his family but also by a loyal following of many friends from around the country. "Tom would never hesitate to go out of his way to help someone in need - anyone" said a close friend of the family, but his first love will always be tires.

Tom wanted no sympathy but wanted you to upgrade your ride.

Monday, April 17, 2006

William Starr Moake II, 68, Wildman

William Starr Moake II, affectionately known as "Wakiki Willie" to young tourist women whom he tried to seduce from his beer-soaked seat at beachfront sidewalk cafes in Honolulu, died yesterday at the age of 68.

Moake was found slumped over his computer keyboard at his home, a gecko-infested apartment in the Chinatown district of Honolulu. The monitor displayed Windows "blue screen of death" and police theorized Moake suffered a fatal seizure while trying to reboot his operating system. An autopsy was scheduled to determine which blood vessel in his brain had burst.

Moake was the author of three published fiction books which sold a combined total of 16 copies during his lifetime. Immediately after he passed away, a Hollywood producer optioned one novel for a film starring Brad Pitt.

Moake is survived by a former wife, two children (that he knew of), an unknow number of grandchildren, and debts to several businesses in Honolulu amounting to $61,395. He will be buried in the Pauper's Cemetery on the rainy side of Diamond Head crater.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Brogg the Half-Breed

Brogg the Half-Breed, was slain by the death knight, Lord Skullbones on Wednesday.

Brogg was a multi-classed holy warrior of Grisbane, 5th level cleric and 4th level fighter. Brogg and his adventuring company followed Skullbones into the Temple of Zelba after the death night kidnapped their companion, Mike the Zombie 1k. Although Skullbones was slain, the entire party perished in the battle. Brogg and company have since been reanimated as zombies, with their souls being geased to perform a task in an airport purgatory. Brogg the Half-Breed is survived by his roommates Ronald Greetles and Gregolas Half-Elven.

Further adventures found at Descent into Depths.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Mitzi, 33, Enraged

The blog that caused her to lose her job eventually caused her to lose her life.”

Although Mitzi was sweet enough as a child, she grew into an enraged adult. She decided to start a blog in order to have an avenue to vent. This was quite successful for a while, until one of her co-workers discovered the blog. Mitzi had written exactly what she thought of her co-workers and bosses (in lurid and painstaking detail) without bothering to disguise their identities. Needless to say, this lead to her immediate termination.

From that point on she lived a reclusive life, spending many hours each day ripping into anything and everything on her blog. No person or topic was safe. She’d scan the newspaper each day in order to make biting commentary on current events. She watched endless hours of television so that she could tear apart tv shows and celebrities alike. She stayed up late into the night, reading other blogs and posting to her own, her computer her only friend. Sad.

In a rare excursion out of her house this past Wednesday, she was so distracted ruminating on her next topic, she crashed her car into the median on the interstate causing a 10-car pile up. She was 33 years old.

She is survived by her laptop.

Check out my blog o’ writing contests! Your Own Words.

Do it for Mitzi.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Kevin Charnas Dies at 150!

Kevin Charnas dies at 150 years old. Poet, writer, philosopher, kick-ass peace activist and former President of the United States of North and South America and West Asia (2038 to 2046 A.D.) died today when Lucy, the beloved elephant that he had befriended during the White House years and was riding at the time, jack-knifed while tripping over President Charnas's penis. The elephant (Lucy) sustained only minor injuries, but died just a few hours later of a broken heart while in intensive care at Babar Memorial in Nairobi. Doctors said that she was never going to forgive herself for crushing her friend of 80+ years, even though it was the President's fault for not wanting to stop for a wee while on their way to the peace talks in the Sudan.

The President's body was virtually unrecognizable, but rather took on the form of a whale booger. Although, with his insistence on forgoing any cosmetic surgery as he aged, he actually began to resemble a whale booger about 30 years prior to his death.

Kevin, or "Kev" (as his friends preferred to call him) was probably best known for the ability to make an ass of himself with unprecedented proficiency, linking him with most past Presidents. However, this is where the path diverges. Kevin is also well known for being the first known gay President, bringing white gloves and pillbox hats back into the Oval Office, as well as being the catalyst for a complete global disarmament. He was even able to convince The Soprano's into giving up their guns and the Vatican into cancelling the guilt trip. Thus the responsibility of the entire world's supply of weapons has been given to Ms. Oprah Winfrey (165 of Chicago, Illinois) for safe-keeping. While Ms. Martha Stewart (173 of Turkey Hill, Connecticut) has taken it upon herself to transform the remainder of the global community's guilt into some remarkable holiday ornaments. Both women, dear friends of President Charnas, were too consumed by grief for comment.

Kevin is known for many things, but knowing himself to be an extraordinary idiot, he always wished for people to know that he tried.

He is survived by his adored husband of 117 years, world renowned master artist, William Bezek (a.k.a. the 2nd Michelangelo), 18 of their 20 adopted children, 83 adopted grandchildren, 336 adopted great grandchildren, 1344 adopted great great grandchildren and 10 dogs.

He will be missed, but at least he tried.

You've learned of his death, now if you would like to learn more on the early years (1969 to 2006) of Kevin Charnas, please visit

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Dr. Skooks, 68, Chemistry Professor

Dr. Skooks, Ph.D. in Organic Chemistry died yesterday after being crushed by an avalanche of precariously placed books high over his workstation.

Dr. Skooks (rhymes with books) received his Ph.D. in organic chemistry at The Ohio State University and accomplished a prestigious post-doctoral appointment with Harvard Professor and Nobel Laureate E. J. Corey. After this appointment, he applied to one school, Purdue University, where he remained throughout his career.

There was no shortage of comments about the man from former graduate students. "I was one of his first graduate students. He was a frigging bastard. In at 6 am and he wouldn't leave the lab until 10 pm. And, he'd be up your ass the entire time."

His personality apparently underwent a drastic change as he matured in his profession according to another of his students. "I was his 40th Ph.D. student. He was quite a guy. Demanding but had his priorities right. Coach of his son's little league team, stuff like that."

Dr. Skooks published hundreds of papers on the synthesis of natural products, a highly competitive area of organic chemistry. "He was a fast thinker." said another of his students, "when he wanted a problem solved and you weren't going fast enough, he'd prod you to find the answer faster than you could handle."

He had some odd rituals according to the lab. Everyday at noon, after he came back from a swim, he'd pop some corn in the microwave. "That popping corn was the warning, when you heard that, Doc was about to make the rounds and he wanted to learn something from each student every day of the week. Scared the shit out of us."

All students quoted wished to remain anonymous. Dr. Skooks apparently instilled a lifelong sense of fear in them.

One fumehood in his lab will be labeled with a plaque with his name on it and it will never be used again.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Ralph, 38, Pensive

Home alone, Ralph sat ruminating on a Saturday night committed suicide by taking a handful of sleeping pills and chasing them with his favorite whiskey, Wild Turkey. He felt absolutely no pain.

Ralph was raised in a small Ohio town and attended public schools. He continued his education pursuing a BS degree in Education and finally a Masters in Special Education (secondary, mild to moderate). It was this destination, a noble and worthwhile vocation that he enjoyed immensely for many years; he loved underdogs.

Unfortunately, he was plagued with mental illness (psychotic episodes and anxiety) and not even a job he could be passionate about was enough to overcome his problems.

He still heard the voices.

When asked what the nicest thing someone other than a family member did for him in his life, he quickly recalled, "A friend wiped my 3-month old daughter's barf from my shoulder while at a party. Everyone else just looked in horror at my shoulder, but this person kindly approached me and without hesitation and wiped the back of my shoulder. It was a moment I'll never forget. She was a spitter."

Ralph never dressed well and never carried himself proudly. He was tortured and it showed. He was pensive, usually nervous, awkward and it all showed in most things he did (his opinion). Friends don't remember such an image. "He was one of the most dedicated educators I knew." a fellow teacher said. He suspects most of his flaws were only visible to himself.

He is survived by a devastated wife, daughter and many other family members.

The voices just wouldn't stop.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Reva, 27, EMT

Reva a 27-year old devoted mother of three and active in Emergency Medical Services in Maryland Died yesterday. Reva drove her ambulance in to Camden Tower.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Hector, 54, Machinist, Perfectionist

Hector took his own life Saturday night when he couldn't handle all the imperfections in his life and was sadly unable to see the bigger picture.

Some floorboards in his house needed repair.
The foundation of his house wasn't perfect.
His lovely house wasn't a ranch but a 2 story.
His daughter's room was messy with toys.
He was uncertain whether he could provide her an adequate technological set of toys as she grew up.
He always cried reading On Children.
He feared strong rains and big snows.
His landlines didn't work.
He had no "tv room".
His kitchen ceiling needed to be repaired.
His psychotropic drug cocktail wasn't perfect and he was tired of waiting for it to be.
His job wasn't perfect.
The gutters on his house weren't optimal.
The basement of his house was wet when it rained hard.
His house wasn't big enough.
His family wasn't perfect (although his wife and daughter were).
He hadn't enough friends (so he often lamented).
He hadn't barbecued in almost a year.

None of these silly possesions or concerns will worry him again. How sad he couldn't see the bigger more important things to live for. Oddly, his last words were "It's not stuff that matters."

He requests a ceremony with loud music and pulled pork sandwiches topped with coleslaw and pickles.

He also hated big charities. Condolences in the comments please.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Google has found "You Died"

I'm trying to figure out what search terms will turn up this site as a hit in the search results. The most interesting one to date is flight attendant killed while attending wedding. This gives us a postion of 4 on Google, putting the spotlight on our dearly departed Jacqueline.

Should be interesting to see how people find this site in days to come.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Wild Sue, 60

Sue died in a violent domestic act brought on by her evil son-in-law. Homicide detectives are still working the case.

Sue is preceded in death by her parents, her husband of 30 years, most of her in-laws and two children. Murder was relatively common in Sue's family.

A happy child, she attended public schools and was brought up in a loving home by good people. Her life's troubles started in her early teens. Her mother and father had what amounted to a duel but neither survived. This horrific incident scarred Sue and from this point on she led a grim life. When she was 30, she married her childhood sweetheart. They could be seen watching television and sitting on the porch together; their favorite pastimes.

"A while back, we had a block party and all Sue could talk about were the murders that went on in her family." said a close neighbor who wished to remain anonymous. "We [the neighbors] all thought it was all made up stuff, but her untimely death gives us pause" said the neighbor.

At the time of her death she was providing full time care for her daughter's (killed a year ago) child. Her brightest side came out when she was interacting with children. A little brusque, but it was obvious she loved her grandchild and all the kids in the neighborhood.

Sue wasn't much for charity. Condolences should simply be submitted to the comments.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Janeen, 54, Well Balanced

Born on February 10, 1952, on a full moon in an Illinois blizzard in the golden days of Howdie Doody, and later growing up on Florida beaches with rainbows and orange groves, she remembered a collage of red snowsuits and tricycles, snowflakes and bright shells, seaweed, and sunsets. Really a wonderful variety which was never experienced again after her childhood. Raising her own child after a divorce and working full time precluded much more creativity, but it was really the diagnosis of M.S. at age 28 which pretty much stunted her travel abilities. It wasn't wise or safe to go alone, and later, she just got tired. Her son, bright, handsome, and charming, fell into a life of petty crime and spent many years in jail for--- oh, drug related stuff. And she thought well that's not the way I would have done it. But she did love him so.

When she was 18 and a music major in college, Capitol Records bought one of her songs, "Come Morning", and though nothing ever came of it, it remained one of her proudest memories.

While she was still "well balanced", she earned 3 belts in Shaolin Tai Chi which was another proud memory.

She took much pleasure in the happy company of her friends. Her "love life" was usually only half there, with a succession of a few men who were great company and only half available, and it's hard to say...did she really want it that way? She didn't think so, but you never knew. That's not the way she would have done it, either, (as far as she knew.)

She was especially pleased and flattered when, for a little while, people said she looked like Stevie Nicks, because she felt that she had grown up ugly. She did like that Stevie look. And that music.

She also enjoyed regular visits to her friend, "The Psychic Odette".

She was preceded in death by her wonderful parents and by a beautiful dark tortoise shell Persian cat, A.K.A. "The Cat Lilibet". She is survived by her son Benjamin whom she loved the most, and a few friends whom she also loved.

She might be missed by the lady at the drycleaners and maybe the girls at the Clinique counter and at the Salon. She will be missed by her small circle of friends and by acquaintances made at Borders books and music. She enjoyed studying many things, from religion and philosophy to astrology and diet.

She hoped to come back with the option of being a dancer, which was really only a wish to be naturally willow-ey of build and graceful. She will miss everyone tremendously and would look forward to seeing you all again.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Becky, 28, Dressed in Black, Friend of Many

Rebecca Davis (Shreswbury) suddenly died March 26th in her home at the computer.
Apparently after getting into an argument with her online boyfriend.
She was a kind-hearted person, misunderstood alot.
She always wore black clothing and did act weird at times, but she was a great person.
She was originally from Beckley WV.
She was divorced with no children and she was going on 29 yrs old, her birthday was coming up on April 17th.
Her maiden name was Shrewsbury, and she had left behind her two dogs Smokey and Nikki, that she thought of as her children.
She lived in Ironton Ohio, with her mother.
She was sitting at her computer talking to her online boyfriend, and apprently them two had a huge argument, and he had told her she was pathetic and it hurt her feelings, we are unsure what had caused her untimely death, there is an autopsy being done to determine her cause of death, if it was an overdose or a broken heart.
Her friend Jenny will be singing Amazing Grace at her Wake next Friday.
She will be dearly missed by everyone.
She said if she had ever passed that she wanted to have a black funeral.
Meaning everything being in black.
She had thoughts of cremation, but had decided to go with a burial instead.
Funeral will be held at the Ironton Boat Docks.
On april 1st at 2:00pm in the afternoon.
Friends and Family welcome.
Please bring your own food and beverages, we are a poor community.
Please note, close friends of Becky, she would have liked it if you were to leave a little sumthin sumthin for her in her casket.
She will be sadly missed.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Liddy, 26

Liddy Walsh tragically passed on March 24, 2006 when the vehicle she was driving was run off the side of Highway 87 and flipped into the ravine below, leaving a hole in the hearts of those who knew her. Liddy will always be remembered for her inquisitive nature, quick smile, and love for everyone she met.

Liddy grew up in Capital, caught up in the political scene from an early age. She was a National Honor Society member at Capital High School before going on to college at Ivy University. Liddy went to law school at South University and has been practicing law at Boutique Firm, L.L.P. ever since.

Liddy's passions included sailing, tennis, dancing, and she was an avid reader. Always politically active, Liddy even traveled to Ohio to monitor the 2004 presidential elections. In college, Liddy worked as a paramedic and later as a horse trainer. She was a woman of many interests, but her secret ambition was to study architecture and photography. She would have loved to live a life of idleness and dissipation.

Though never married, Liddy is survived by her very close friend and former boyfriend James, her clandestine married lover David, her oldest and dearest friends Lanie and Hannah, and numerous others who she adored. Liddy was preceded in death by her dear friend Rob whom she hopes to meet in heaven. Liddy always believed that your family is not always the people you are related to, and showed that to her friends whom she loved so dearly.

Liddy's family, Mom, Dad, and Brother will miss Liddy more than she will ever know. In lieu of flowers, Liddy's family asks that those who knew Liddy attend the funeral she always wished she could have. Services will be held at the Dance Hall on Saturday night, 7 p.m. Barbeque, beer, live music, and designated drivers will be provided.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Queen Tammy Wannabe Wannabe, age unknown (she never would tell us)

Tammy Wannabe Wannabe, a Queen in every sense of the word, departed this life on Sunday, March 19th at the Hilton Hotel in Jackson, Mississippi. Tammy spent her last hours on earth perched on a barstool oogling the undertakers who were gathering for a Mortician's Convention, which was conveniently just setting up shop when she "passed" (read: fell over and died, y'all!). An overdose of PigCandy and Cheese Grits is suspected.

Her last wish was to be cremated and shot out of a cannon. Since her slack-azz family cannot be relied upon to carry out this final task, her friends, the Sweet Potato Queens Wannabe Wannabe's are going to take over this chore. A memorial service and honorary crawfish boil in her honor will be held at Homer's Bar-B-Que on High St. in Jackson, Mississippi and will commence on Friday, March 24th at 6pm. Bikers, Queens and stripper poles will be present to add to the ambience of this somber ceremony.

Tammy's last days on earth were filled with friends, laughter, music and dancing. Also, hot wangs and tequila shots. While Tammy's behavior in the last few days was, understandably outlandish, her friends all agreed "love her hair, hope she wins!" they sorrowfully stated, when asked for comments on Tammy's demise. Tammy's friends have Promised to make sure she is remembered fondly by always wearing Cute Shoes and shaving everything that needs to be shaved, everyday, in her honor. "Tammy would've wanted it that way" sobbed a friend, as Tammy was taken away in a Hot Pank Wambulance to the tune of "She's a Brick House" playing softly in the background.

In leiu of flowers, Tammy's friends have requested donations be made to something called "likker funds".

Thursday, March 23, 2006


Today at 3:20 am Saturday November 22nd 2009 saw the death of J.M.Herrmann. J.M. Herrmann is survived by his wife Danielle, step-daughter Darcy, Melanee Ulle his mother and Kathleen his sister. J.M. has for the past 7 years resided in Sydney, Australia and was formerly of Conneaut, Ohio.

J.M Herrmann was found in the National Park where he apparently visited to wait for his time. No cause was found for his death, and the State Coroner is ruling it as suspicious. J.M. Herrmann was a graduate of Conneaut High School, and had made a career in the Security Industry. There will be a closed casket ceremony at an as yet undisclosed location. The body seems to be in poor state as it was mauled by local wild dogs.

J.M. Herrmann has left behind a will stipulating that instead of flowers a grove of willow trees are to be planted in his home town. Condolences may be addressed to D7/2B Mowbray Street, Sydney, Australia.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Beth Himmel, 94, Librarian

Beth Himmel, a librarian at the Baltimore Metropolitan Library for over 50 years, passed away quietly in her home last Tuesday, surrounded by loving family and friends. She was 94 years old. Having feared death for most of her life, her final words, "This isn't so bad," delighted those who were with her in the end.

Beth leaves behind her loving husband of 63 years, Marvin Spooner, and her only daughter Anne Spooner. She will also be missed by her five grandchildren, Mary, James, Jo, David, and Laura Singpurwalla, and her golden retriever Gauss.

Beth was born and raised in a small town in Iowa that you never heard of, by very conservative parents. She left Iowa joyfully to attend Northwestern University, where she earned a B.A. in Literature and her Ph.D. in Library Science. She wrote many scholarly articles and received many awards for her service, but always said that her greatest work was raising her daughter Anne, and her greatest joy was spending time with her family. Long a confirmed atheist and secular humanist, Beth insisted that we should all try to do good for each other and be the best people we could be in this life, and not hold out for something better after death.

A celebration of her life will be held at 3:30 Saturday afternoon, at O'Shaunessy's Irish Pub in Baltimore's Inner Harbor. In lieu of flowers, Beth asked that you make a generous contribution to your local public school, or spend an afternoon picking up trash in your neighborhood.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Jacqueline, 44, Flight Attendant, Mother

Jacqueline was mauled by a gang of angry rotweilers while out on a walk last Thursday.

Jacqueline was born in Dearborn Michigan and knew from the age of approximately 3 years she would be going places. A lot of places. She decided not to finish high school and quit while in the tenth grade to help out her family make ends meet by getting a job. She worked mostly low level service jobs until a help wanted advertisement lured her to American Airlines. She was only 18.

Twenty years ago, flying was infinitely more special than it is now and the role of a flight attendant (or dare I say stewardess) was considered a position of some prestige. The patrons dressed nice for their flights and received substantially more than a bag of peanuts on their voyage.

The next year was busy for Jacqueline; she married her boyfriend, Hector (whom she had been dating for some years), had a baby girl (Carmella), finished flight school and made the bold move to pursue her dream of travel.

Hector was stably employed as a carpet installer and their daughter was cared for during the day by a neighbor and good friend of the family.

Initially, Jacqueline made short stops just flying about the Midwest. Although the flights were only brief hops, Jacqueline found the job exhilirating. The hectic pace, constant interaction with the travelers and hustle and bustle of the airports was something Jacqueline thrived on. She slowly moved up the ranks and by her fifth year, she was flying cross-country and staying in some exciting cities. Once, when her daughter was only 5, she purchased her a seat and took her to San Francisco. Together, they flew, dined at Chinatown and took the trolley about the city. Her daughter seemed to like to travel as well.

Interestingly, the more Jacqueline flew to other cities the more she grew to like Dearborn, the city she swore from an early age she'd leave. Gradually, it became more of home than she'd ever imagined it would be. It is where she stayed with her family the rest of her life and where her survivors will remain.

As Jacqueline grew older in the skies, she felt some sadness toward her profession. The newer flight attendants seemed more surly and she sometimes felt like a peanut distributor. The travelers weren't interested in the excitement of the air transport but simply wanted to get somewhere. Although she never lost her passion for motherhood, Carmella grew up and went her own way and Jacqueline's lust for life seemed to have fallen through the cracks. Her greatest joy was and remained her stably employed, rock-of-stability husband who would hold down the fort in her absence and always be there for her. She will dearly miss her family.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Darcy, 15, High School Student

So this is my obituary:

This Monday, March 20th, Darcy, 15, tragically died. She was found by her mother hanging in her room. She was a freshman at her high school.

Darcy was thought by most to be kind and, at times, very giving. Although she had many friends no one could give any perspective on why she did it. "She was always so happy, always laughing," said her friend Sarah.

She left a note, a vague sign of why she would do this. It read, "he made me feel so bad that i did this and he doesn't even know how much i care." What this means is anyone's guess. On the outside no one would ever guess she would be capable of this. What demons was this innocent girl hiding? What boy haunted her past so badly that she felt the need to take her life?

She will be missed by her many friends, parents, sister, and hopefully by the person she loved so dearly.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Randall, 32

Randall was found in a hotel room in Boston. His death was apparently caused from an overdose of drugs washed down with heavy amounts of beer. "No one thought he would ever die of old age." said a close friend.

Randall lived a wild life. Most obits glamorize the individual's social productivity but Randall was different. A wild kid that never grew up. His fatal flaw was his alcoholism. He could go for weeks without a drink. He could hold down a job, no sweat. But, once he started drinking, he could drink a case of beer and more. All that stopped him was passing out.

While drunk, he was happy and often listened to tunes with headphones at volumes that would damage anyone else's hearing. He thought Ted Nugent losing the hearing in one ear from his loud music was a minor price to pay.

He underwent detox many times, but soon returned to drinking. In the end, he was taking quite a few psychoactive drugs in an attempt to get back on his feet. He ultimately used them to get a better high with drinking.

Randall was born in the Boston area. He lost his mother to cancer when he was only 12. This had a profound impact on the rest of his short life.

He and his best friend in crime, Dante, would try anything. They drank together - lots - taking off school if necessary. They broke into warehouses in Boston just to see what it'd feel like to escape getting caught; anything for a rush. When they were younger, after the snow melted and the streets were covered with sand, they would grab on the bumper of slow moving vehicles and "surf" down streets rolling along on the sand.

He had a twisted sense of humor and would do anything to make his best friend laugh to the point of wetting his pants - literally. This was the point in which he considered the humor a success. He would scream blood-curdling calls in the street to his friend in large crowded areas, grab the microphone at Burger King and burp or spout obscenities, drop backwards and walk like a spider in the middle of crowded stores and run up to strange men at traffic stops and yell "Dad, Dad, is that you?". His humor was often "successful".

While still in high school, he promised his best friend they would someday buy homes together way out in the woods so they could crank Aerosmith and not worry about what any fucking one else said about the loud music. He swore a lot and had no intention of changing that habit.

His best friend was his best man at his wedding. He fathered a baby girl but early on he and his wife separated. Undoutedly due to the alcoholism.

He was so alive and so troubled.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Golf Widow

On March 17th, in Ankh Morpork. Golf Widow, formerly of Earth and a recent transportee to Discworld, was killed yesterday in a freak quaffing accident at the tavern. Her demise involved several pints of stout, a giraffe, and a set of darts.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Golf Widow Scholarship at Unseen University, of which Golf Widow was not a graduate, but wished she was.

She is survived by her parents, her brother, and her husband the golfer, who will now be known as the Golf Widow's Widower. Sympathy cards may be directed to the comments section.

Golf Widow elaborated here. Thanks Golf Widow.

Thursday, March 16, 2006


Janice was killed in a car accident on 16-Mar-2006 at the horribly young age of 16. She was a senior in high school and is survived by her dear Mother and Father.

She had long blond hair and was considered by many to be quite pretty. She had several boyfriends. Although she was not the most popular girl in school she received good grades, was involved in many activities including the chess club, a member of the yearbook staff and participated for a season on the girls' gymnastics team in her sophomore year.

At the point of her untimely death she was off to Johnson and Wales University where she would have studied to become a chef with a specialty in baking. This career path was instilled at an early age in the kitchen of her parents who were obsessed with all things food.

She will be sorely missed by many.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

John, 42, Editor

John, 42, was killed yesterday in a steamroller accident. He is survived by his wife and daughter of nearly 3 years of age and father, mother, two sisters and brother.

John was a loving father and husband.

He was born and raised in a small city near Boston where he attended public schools, graduated with a B.S. in chemistry from the a state school in Boston and a Ph.D. in organic chemistry from a large midwestern university. He met his loving wife (a professor) while pursuing graduate studies. Their dwellings and respective academic departments were next to each other. They met when he invited her over for turkey dogs. He worked for at least a decade in the pharmaceutical industry in various capacities and finally settled as an Editor in a large database midwestern database company.

This midwestern city was also the place where he and his wife gave birth to and raised their lovely daughter. John could be seen with his family frequently on Saturday mornings at the science museum letting his daughter run off some energy.

He had many hobbies including brewing beer, baking, playing the viola, blogging, playing with his family, attending open mic nights and generally keeping busy.

He suffered from depression and anxiety, severe at times, and deeply regrets the manifestations of this disease into his personal life and loves, he had little control over these things. His biggest regrets were not experiencing the growth of his daughter and the maturation of his relationship with his lifelong partner. He had many friends and also regrets not spending more time cultivating these precious relationships.

John chose to be cremated in the least expensive way. He was frugal and shall remain so through eternity. His ashes will be scattered by the local river.

DIY Obituary

Sounds a bit morbid but try it.

Writing your own obituary can be an interesting way to step back from your hectic life, reflect and appreciate what you have. If your life hasn't been what you wanted, use this to try to make some changes. Read some in your local newspaper to get a feel for the format but don't be too concerned with what it should look like. Write whatever you want. Just imagine you died and write what others would want to know about you. The exercise is a bit scary but is actually kind of fun.

Why the anonymity? It doesn't have to be. You can sign it with your name or site's url but a piece like this might scare your loved ones; putting it in your own blog might give others the wrong message (ie, a suicide note). So, publish it here and look back on it from time to time. If you want to pull it back out and look at in the future, put some kind of code in the subject line (title of post),

e.g.: John (x345),

so you can search it via the navbar at the top of the page. Unless this gets wildly popular, I'll publish them all. When you email your submission, it will go into a que and I'll publish it within a day or two (I may make minor edits and do some spell-checking). Also, if you have any regrets, email me and I'll delete it.

You can communicate with me via the comments section or email me at your_obituary at yahoo dot com. Have fun.

p.s: Please attach an image that characterizes you.