Thursday, April 27, 2006

GEORGE W. AND PAT ROBERTSON DIE IN LOVERS’ QUARREL!!!

President George Walker Bush died today at the age of 59 when he was hit so hard between the eyes with one of Reverend Pat Robertson’s stilettos, he tragically was knocked off of his own heels where he then fell down a flight of stairs landing in a crumple of fake hair, eyelashes and taffeta at the feet of the lobotomized First Lady. Seconds after the quarrel, the Reverend, who was wearing a daring Donatella Versace leather bustier, took his own life by sticking a pair of tweezers into the nearest light socket. The stench of burnt hair, flesh and leather permeated the air over the capitol and could be smelled as far away as Annapolis. Pat Robertson was 76 years old.

Obviously, the scandal has rocked the nation and the people are in shock and mourning during this difficult and confusing time. What most feel to be the most tragic of all is the loss of the stunning Vera Wang, which the President was wearing at the time of his death. “At first they were arguing, the President and the Reverend, but then they began bitch slapping each other! And then we heard something flying through the air! It sounded like a boomerang and then WHACK, it struck the President right in the face. He then screamed like a 12-year-old Vienna boy and that’s when he lost his balance and tumbled down the stairs! But then the really horrible part happened, that beautiful dress, it was drenched in the President’s eye shadow, blush and foundation and TOTALLY RUINED! RUINED! RUINED! RUINED! It was just awful!” cried a White House intern. Some would beg to differ and argue that the most atrocious part of the tragedy is the unrecoverable Dolce & Gabbana Purse that mysteriously became lodged in the President’s rectum during the plunge down the stairs.

Unbeknownst to the public, the late President and Reverend were involved in a torrid love affair for the past 20 years. Inside sources say that the two were known in certain circles as “Georgette and Patricia” and were inseparable at their Georgetown parties. Although, the same sources, who wish to remain anonymous, also say that the couple’s relationship could be tumultuous at times. The sources also disclosed the well-hidden secret that the Reverend Jerry Falwell and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld have been a couple (known as “Fiona and Rummy”) and along with the President and Christian leader were in a secret drag cult known as the “Un-Diplomatic Delectable Divas”. Their leader, the Madame of the “Divas” is allegedly none other than Vice President Dick Cheney (known as “Mama Chica Cherry” and reportedly when in drag bears a striking resemblance to Barbara Bush).

The White House and the 700 Club are scrambling to cover up the scandal and are denying any allegations to the validity of the story. Although, the resignations are expected to begin rolling in as the shadow of this turmoil grows. Not surprisingly, many republicans are calling for the impeachment of the dead Executive. Senate Majority Leader, Senator Bill Frist in a press conference just minutes ago, said, “To be responsible for crimes against humanity, the economy and the environment is one thing. But to wear Vera Wang, walk on last season’s Jimmy Choo Shoes AND carry a Dolce & Gabbana in the White House no less?? THIS is a travesty! THIS is the biggest crime against the American people! THIS is impeachable! I am horrified!”

As the photos begin to surface of the President and all his… “men”, the nation will no doubt have something new to grapple with; the Delectable Divas made and make, really ugly women.

The custom of putting the President’s casket to lie in State in the Capitol Building’s Rotunda and eventually snake its way along the streets of Washington to rest in Arlington Cemetery has been postponed indefinitely awaiting further investigation into the possible impeachment of the dead President. Mother Earth is calling for the President’s body to be disposed of on the lunar surface. Her press secretary claims that in life, the President contributed so greatly to her pollution, that she doesn’t want his body.

The First Lady was unavailable for comment. She left minutes after the accident and traveled to Myanmar (formerly known as Burma) to promote her “Cross-Stitching for Librarian’s Rights” campaign. Their daughters are drunk and passed out somewhere.

And together, the nation and the fashion world unite once again in their grief.

Disclaimer: If this obituary is in anyway in violation of the Nazi-Patriot Act and if the C.I.A. or F.B.I. is in anyway monitoring this obituary website, Kevin Charnas of KevinCharnas.com denies ANY knowledge of authoring it. However, he does confess to it being divinely inspired; god spoke to him and this is what she told him to write.

11 condolences:

Anonymous said...

oh, nice. stereotype gays and use crossdressing as an insult. way to go, dude.

isn't this supposed to be write your OWN obituary?

Susan @ YOW said...

Kevin, you are a riot!! Ignore "anonymous" ... you are obviously performing a public service here.

Besides, Cheney does bear a resemblance to Barbara Bush, now that you mention it! LOL

Someone said...

Thanks Susan. After all, the byline says "Some funny, some touching ..."

Kevin Charnas said...

"Dude", I am gay, so I have a suggestion or two; try decaf and if you can't laugh at yourself, you just left the job to someone else. I make fun of everyone and if I knew more about you, I'd start with you - Mr. Brave Anonymous.

jennster said...

LMFAO! omg, this is classic!

Kevin Charnas said...

I'm THRILLED that you guys liked it. Thank you...and Susan and Someone? Thanks for having my back....shhiiiiittttt...

kim said...

love it kevin ...you are hysterical !!! and i mean that in the nicest way :)

Susan @ YOW said...

Aw shucks...

Nate said...

HAHAHAHA bravo any poke at this jagoff asshole we call a president is a good one I love it and keep up the good work.Oh yeah by the way Ole G.W. looks good in drag maybe he should run the country for the last 2 yrs like that.

Nate said...

May he burn in hell!!!!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

All I can say is, J. Edgar Hoover must be spinning in his grave like Linda Blair's head. And that's a mighty sad end :<) to a Dolce & Gabbana purse. The man in the moon doesn't want him either, and I hardly think his physical death makes much difference to the impeachment proceedings, considering that his brain has been dead for years. In the interest of fairness, I'd like to point out that some of the most beautiful women are men, but if they aren't lovely to begin with, a good wig and some Jimmy Choos won't help. Finally, you can dislaim all you want, but the Nazi Patriot Act will see to it that the next obit on this site is yours unless God rallies from her PMS and intervenes. I have spoken.

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