Thursday, April 27, 2006


President George Walker Bush died today at the age of 59 when he was hit so hard between the eyes with one of Reverend Pat Robertson’s stilettos, he tragically was knocked off of his own heels where he then fell down a flight of stairs landing in a crumple of fake hair, eyelashes and taffeta at the feet of the lobotomized First Lady. Seconds after the quarrel, the Reverend, who was wearing a daring Donatella Versace leather bustier, took his own life by sticking a pair of tweezers into the nearest light socket. The stench of burnt hair, flesh and leather permeated the air over the capitol and could be smelled as far away as Annapolis. Pat Robertson was 76 years old.

Obviously, the scandal has rocked the nation and the people are in shock and mourning during this difficult and confusing time. What most feel to be the most tragic of all is the loss of the stunning Vera Wang, which the President was wearing at the time of his death. “At first they were arguing, the President and the Reverend, but then they began bitch slapping each other! And then we heard something flying through the air! It sounded like a boomerang and then WHACK, it struck the President right in the face. He then screamed like a 12-year-old Vienna boy and that’s when he lost his balance and tumbled down the stairs! But then the really horrible part happened, that beautiful dress, it was drenched in the President’s eye shadow, blush and foundation and TOTALLY RUINED! RUINED! RUINED! RUINED! It was just awful!” cried a White House intern. Some would beg to differ and argue that the most atrocious part of the tragedy is the unrecoverable Dolce & Gabbana Purse that mysteriously became lodged in the President’s rectum during the plunge down the stairs.

Unbeknownst to the public, the late President and Reverend were involved in a torrid love affair for the past 20 years. Inside sources say that the two were known in certain circles as “Georgette and Patricia” and were inseparable at their Georgetown parties. Although, the same sources, who wish to remain anonymous, also say that the couple’s relationship could be tumultuous at times. The sources also disclosed the well-hidden secret that the Reverend Jerry Falwell and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld have been a couple (known as “Fiona and Rummy”) and along with the President and Christian leader were in a secret drag cult known as the “Un-Diplomatic Delectable Divas”. Their leader, the Madame of the “Divas” is allegedly none other than Vice President Dick Cheney (known as “Mama Chica Cherry” and reportedly when in drag bears a striking resemblance to Barbara Bush).

The White House and the 700 Club are scrambling to cover up the scandal and are denying any allegations to the validity of the story. Although, the resignations are expected to begin rolling in as the shadow of this turmoil grows. Not surprisingly, many republicans are calling for the impeachment of the dead Executive. Senate Majority Leader, Senator Bill Frist in a press conference just minutes ago, said, “To be responsible for crimes against humanity, the economy and the environment is one thing. But to wear Vera Wang, walk on last season’s Jimmy Choo Shoes AND carry a Dolce & Gabbana in the White House no less?? THIS is a travesty! THIS is the biggest crime against the American people! THIS is impeachable! I am horrified!”

As the photos begin to surface of the President and all his… “men”, the nation will no doubt have something new to grapple with; the Delectable Divas made and make, really ugly women.

The custom of putting the President’s casket to lie in State in the Capitol Building’s Rotunda and eventually snake its way along the streets of Washington to rest in Arlington Cemetery has been postponed indefinitely awaiting further investigation into the possible impeachment of the dead President. Mother Earth is calling for the President’s body to be disposed of on the lunar surface. Her press secretary claims that in life, the President contributed so greatly to her pollution, that she doesn’t want his body.

The First Lady was unavailable for comment. She left minutes after the accident and traveled to Myanmar (formerly known as Burma) to promote her “Cross-Stitching for Librarian’s Rights” campaign. Their daughters are drunk and passed out somewhere.

And together, the nation and the fashion world unite once again in their grief.

Disclaimer: If this obituary is in anyway in violation of the Nazi-Patriot Act and if the C.I.A. or F.B.I. is in anyway monitoring this obituary website, Kevin Charnas of denies ANY knowledge of authoring it. However, he does confess to it being divinely inspired; god spoke to him and this is what she told him to write.

Leroy, 77, Family Guy

SFC Leroy Walker was born on October 7, 1928 in Miami, Florida. He was born the son of Leroy Walker, Sr. and Viola Walker.

He attended the public schools in Miami Florida and graduated from high school. Upon graduation from high school, Leroy joined the Army and had a massive career spanning 35 years. He retired and made his home in Augusta, Georgia. Leroy departed this life on April 21, 2006, at the University Hospital in Augusta, Georgia.

He married Josephine Davis in 1949 and to this union 6 children were born. Leroy (Jessica) Walker, III, of New York, New York, Diana (Steven) Jones of Chicago, Illinois, Lisa (Marvin) Herndon of Los Angeles, California, Brenda (Harry) Weston of Miami, Florida, Marilyn (James) Avery of Dallas, Texas, Belinda (Charles) Mackey of Fayetteville, North Carolina. Josephine preceded him in death in 1962. In 1965 he married Queenie Beard Childs and to this union one daughter was born, Olivia (Willie) Watford of Snellville, Georgia.

Leroy was involved in many organizations upon his death. He was an avid community activist.

In 1995 he met and married Mattie Dozier. To this union, no children were born.

He leaves to mourn his passing, his loving wife, Mattie, his children, Leroy Walker, Jr., Diana Jones, Lisa Herndon, Brenda Weston, Marilyn Avery, Belinda Mackey and Olivia Watford, 22 grandchildren, and a host of nieces, nephews and cousins.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Kristen, age 60

Kristen, 60, was laid to rest today in Mozambique. She was a divorced mother of 2 grown children.

Kristen grew up in Los Angeles. The child of highly educated and busy parents, Kristen loved sports and was an excellent student. At 14, she met her future husband and dropped most of her desires and dreams to make his come true. She stayed home for more than fifteen years as a stay at home mother, while her husband had a demanding career in the entertainment industry.

After living most of her life as a loving daughter, wife and mother, Kristen (divorced) finally got the chance to travel and explore the world. After visiting Ireland, Denmark, Italy and Australia...she went on a journey through Africa for a month long adventure. Unfortunately, the trip turned deadly as Kristen was trampled by 2 bull elephants while on a sightseeing safari with 4 other travelers. She was the only one to perish.

Kristen was full of life. She raised two beautiful children, mostly on her own as her husband traveled frequently for his job. She loved to be creative. She loved to dance. She loved to grow flowers and was truly a free spirit.

Kristen was also known to have a wicked sense of humor. She loved to be playful and didn't take her self too seriously. She installed this love of life in her children and would always comment that raising her girls was the most important thing she ever did.

Kristen is survived by her daughters, Emi(27) and Kate (35). Kate, a professional athlete, had travelled on Safari with her mother and was a witness to her terrible demise. Emi, an artist and mother of 1, lives in Seattle with her husband.

Kristen will also be missed by her loving partner, Jean Luc. Jean Luc, a professor of psychology, was a pivotal influence in her life. Full of insight and wisdom, Jean Luc was a supportive soul, offering Kristen a relationship full of intimacy and laughter. Kristen grew and flourished in the last years of her life. She learned to accept herself within Jean Luc's eyes, and had come to a calm, peaceful place in her life. She had taken up yoga with Jean Luc, and they both loved the study of tantric sex. The later years were very very good to Kristen.

Kristen's family is asking for donations in her memory to be sent to a fund for African Orphans of Bull Elephant stampedes.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Anne, 18

Anne died while being driven to the hospital at 1:23 am. The official cause of death was alcohol poisoning. Two good Samaritans reportedly found Anne in the park. “She was crying a lot and she kept saying, "I can’t see, I can’t see.” It was obvious that Anne was dangerously intoxicated. Mark and his wife Jennifer, both residents of the neighborhood, took it upon themselves to drive the girl to the hospital.

Mark recounted sadly, “We sat together in the backseat and I put my arm around her. Her head kept dropping down on her chest and I began to get really worried.” He paused, reflecting. “She was scared. I think she knew she was going to die. After a while she stopped crying and that’s when I realized that she wasn’t moving either.”

Anne was a bright young girl about to start college in the fall. Everyone who knew her claimed that she had her entire future ahead of her. Anne had a sensitive nature and was deeply loved by her family and a few close friends. She was a relatively well-known babysitter in the neighborhood and much sought out for, valued for her responsibility, honesty, and compassion.

Her parents and friends remain baffled as to why she would drink herself to death. But her parents do claim that she had a history of abusing alcohol. Her mother remembered a time when she found Anne wandering around their apartment complex naked. Anne was heavily intoxicated and had no memory of anything in the morning.

A neighbor who often asked Anne to baby-sit said, “I had no idea she drank. Anne was always so good with our children.”

Why did Anne drink so excessively? Was it an accident or a suicide? These questions continue to plague Anne’s family and friends.

Jamie, a classmate of Anne’s, eloquently stated, “She was always quiet. If I saw her at a party or something I usually would forget that she was even there and I would end up standing right in front of her. It’s not like I meant to, it’s just that she seemed to become part of the wall, like the scenery. Now that she's dead, I wish I hadn't forgotten about her."

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Tom Okano, 41, Enthusiastic Guy

Tom Okano of Middlebury, Ohio was run down outside his home by a 2006 black Mazda 6 sporting a set of Yokohama Advan Neova AD07 ultra performance 18" tires. Ironically, Mr. Okano was a tire salesman and tire fanatic.

Tom had many hobbies, but his passion was tires.


Tom would shine no matter what he did with his professional or personal life. He was a dedicated father of two 18 year-old boys (twins) and is also survived by his loving wife of 16 years, Estelle.

"Tom was a madman", claimed a customer who was in the shop recently, "he had a set of tires for Summer and a set for Winter - wheels and everything!"

What seemed to set Tom apart from the crowd was his enthusiasm when he explained things. "He worked in a tire shop, but you'd think he was a professor, his explanations were so thorough", said another customer. "At times, I thought he'd pull out a chalkboard and start drawing diagrams", the customer continued.

Tom spent a stint in Silicon Valley in the early 90's as an interface between code-writing geeks and venture capitalists. He facilitated communication regardless of how disparate the disciplines were. Having earned enough cash to get a job that wasn't quite as "fast-track", he and his family moved to Middlebury in the late 90's and Tom secured a job selling tires at a shop in Columbus, OH.

He is missed most by his family but also by a loyal following of many friends from around the country. "Tom would never hesitate to go out of his way to help someone in need - anyone" said a close friend of the family, but his first love will always be tires.

Tom wanted no sympathy but wanted you to upgrade your ride.

Monday, April 17, 2006

William Starr Moake II, 68, Wildman

William Starr Moake II, affectionately known as "Wakiki Willie" to young tourist women whom he tried to seduce from his beer-soaked seat at beachfront sidewalk cafes in Honolulu, died yesterday at the age of 68.

Moake was found slumped over his computer keyboard at his home, a gecko-infested apartment in the Chinatown district of Honolulu. The monitor displayed Windows "blue screen of death" and police theorized Moake suffered a fatal seizure while trying to reboot his operating system. An autopsy was scheduled to determine which blood vessel in his brain had burst.

Moake was the author of three published fiction books which sold a combined total of 16 copies during his lifetime. Immediately after he passed away, a Hollywood producer optioned one novel for a film starring Brad Pitt.

Moake is survived by a former wife, two children (that he knew of), an unknow number of grandchildren, and debts to several businesses in Honolulu amounting to $61,395. He will be buried in the Pauper's Cemetery on the rainy side of Diamond Head crater.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Brogg the Half-Breed

Brogg the Half-Breed, was slain by the death knight, Lord Skullbones on Wednesday.

Brogg was a multi-classed holy warrior of Grisbane, 5th level cleric and 4th level fighter. Brogg and his adventuring company followed Skullbones into the Temple of Zelba after the death night kidnapped their companion, Mike the Zombie 1k. Although Skullbones was slain, the entire party perished in the battle. Brogg and company have since been reanimated as zombies, with their souls being geased to perform a task in an airport purgatory. Brogg the Half-Breed is survived by his roommates Ronald Greetles and Gregolas Half-Elven.

Further adventures found at Descent into Depths.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Mitzi, 33, Enraged

The blog that caused her to lose her job eventually caused her to lose her life.”

Although Mitzi was sweet enough as a child, she grew into an enraged adult. She decided to start a blog in order to have an avenue to vent. This was quite successful for a while, until one of her co-workers discovered the blog. Mitzi had written exactly what she thought of her co-workers and bosses (in lurid and painstaking detail) without bothering to disguise their identities. Needless to say, this lead to her immediate termination.

From that point on she lived a reclusive life, spending many hours each day ripping into anything and everything on her blog. No person or topic was safe. She’d scan the newspaper each day in order to make biting commentary on current events. She watched endless hours of television so that she could tear apart tv shows and celebrities alike. She stayed up late into the night, reading other blogs and posting to her own, her computer her only friend. Sad.

In a rare excursion out of her house this past Wednesday, she was so distracted ruminating on her next topic, she crashed her car into the median on the interstate causing a 10-car pile up. She was 33 years old.

She is survived by her laptop.

Check out my blog o’ writing contests! Your Own Words.

Do it for Mitzi.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Kevin Charnas Dies at 150!

Kevin Charnas dies at 150 years old. Poet, writer, philosopher, kick-ass peace activist and former President of the United States of North and South America and West Asia (2038 to 2046 A.D.) died today when Lucy, the beloved elephant that he had befriended during the White House years and was riding at the time, jack-knifed while tripping over President Charnas's penis. The elephant (Lucy) sustained only minor injuries, but died just a few hours later of a broken heart while in intensive care at Babar Memorial in Nairobi. Doctors said that she was never going to forgive herself for crushing her friend of 80+ years, even though it was the President's fault for not wanting to stop for a wee while on their way to the peace talks in the Sudan.

The President's body was virtually unrecognizable, but rather took on the form of a whale booger. Although, with his insistence on forgoing any cosmetic surgery as he aged, he actually began to resemble a whale booger about 30 years prior to his death.

Kevin, or "Kev" (as his friends preferred to call him) was probably best known for the ability to make an ass of himself with unprecedented proficiency, linking him with most past Presidents. However, this is where the path diverges. Kevin is also well known for being the first known gay President, bringing white gloves and pillbox hats back into the Oval Office, as well as being the catalyst for a complete global disarmament. He was even able to convince The Soprano's into giving up their guns and the Vatican into cancelling the guilt trip. Thus the responsibility of the entire world's supply of weapons has been given to Ms. Oprah Winfrey (165 of Chicago, Illinois) for safe-keeping. While Ms. Martha Stewart (173 of Turkey Hill, Connecticut) has taken it upon herself to transform the remainder of the global community's guilt into some remarkable holiday ornaments. Both women, dear friends of President Charnas, were too consumed by grief for comment.

Kevin is known for many things, but knowing himself to be an extraordinary idiot, he always wished for people to know that he tried.

He is survived by his adored husband of 117 years, world renowned master artist, William Bezek (a.k.a. the 2nd Michelangelo), 18 of their 20 adopted children, 83 adopted grandchildren, 336 adopted great grandchildren, 1344 adopted great great grandchildren and 10 dogs.

He will be missed, but at least he tried.

You've learned of his death, now if you would like to learn more on the early years (1969 to 2006) of Kevin Charnas, please visit

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Dr. Skooks, 68, Chemistry Professor

Dr. Skooks, Ph.D. in Organic Chemistry died yesterday after being crushed by an avalanche of precariously placed books high over his workstation.

Dr. Skooks (rhymes with books) received his Ph.D. in organic chemistry at The Ohio State University and accomplished a prestigious post-doctoral appointment with Harvard Professor and Nobel Laureate E. J. Corey. After this appointment, he applied to one school, Purdue University, where he remained throughout his career.

There was no shortage of comments about the man from former graduate students. "I was one of his first graduate students. He was a frigging bastard. In at 6 am and he wouldn't leave the lab until 10 pm. And, he'd be up your ass the entire time."

His personality apparently underwent a drastic change as he matured in his profession according to another of his students. "I was his 40th Ph.D. student. He was quite a guy. Demanding but had his priorities right. Coach of his son's little league team, stuff like that."

Dr. Skooks published hundreds of papers on the synthesis of natural products, a highly competitive area of organic chemistry. "He was a fast thinker." said another of his students, "when he wanted a problem solved and you weren't going fast enough, he'd prod you to find the answer faster than you could handle."

He had some odd rituals according to the lab. Everyday at noon, after he came back from a swim, he'd pop some corn in the microwave. "That popping corn was the warning, when you heard that, Doc was about to make the rounds and he wanted to learn something from each student every day of the week. Scared the shit out of us."

All students quoted wished to remain anonymous. Dr. Skooks apparently instilled a lifelong sense of fear in them.

One fumehood in his lab will be labeled with a plaque with his name on it and it will never be used again.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Ralph, 38, Pensive

Home alone, Ralph sat ruminating on a Saturday night committed suicide by taking a handful of sleeping pills and chasing them with his favorite whiskey, Wild Turkey. He felt absolutely no pain.

Ralph was raised in a small Ohio town and attended public schools. He continued his education pursuing a BS degree in Education and finally a Masters in Special Education (secondary, mild to moderate). It was this destination, a noble and worthwhile vocation that he enjoyed immensely for many years; he loved underdogs.

Unfortunately, he was plagued with mental illness (psychotic episodes and anxiety) and not even a job he could be passionate about was enough to overcome his problems.

He still heard the voices.

When asked what the nicest thing someone other than a family member did for him in his life, he quickly recalled, "A friend wiped my 3-month old daughter's barf from my shoulder while at a party. Everyone else just looked in horror at my shoulder, but this person kindly approached me and without hesitation and wiped the back of my shoulder. It was a moment I'll never forget. She was a spitter."

Ralph never dressed well and never carried himself proudly. He was tortured and it showed. He was pensive, usually nervous, awkward and it all showed in most things he did (his opinion). Friends don't remember such an image. "He was one of the most dedicated educators I knew." a fellow teacher said. He suspects most of his flaws were only visible to himself.

He is survived by a devastated wife, daughter and many other family members.

The voices just wouldn't stop.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Reva, 27, EMT

Reva a 27-year old devoted mother of three and active in Emergency Medical Services in Maryland Died yesterday. Reva drove her ambulance in to Camden Tower.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Hector, 54, Machinist, Perfectionist

Hector took his own life Saturday night when he couldn't handle all the imperfections in his life and was sadly unable to see the bigger picture.

Some floorboards in his house needed repair.
The foundation of his house wasn't perfect.
His lovely house wasn't a ranch but a 2 story.
His daughter's room was messy with toys.
He was uncertain whether he could provide her an adequate technological set of toys as she grew up.
He always cried reading On Children.
He feared strong rains and big snows.
His landlines didn't work.
He had no "tv room".
His kitchen ceiling needed to be repaired.
His psychotropic drug cocktail wasn't perfect and he was tired of waiting for it to be.
His job wasn't perfect.
The gutters on his house weren't optimal.
The basement of his house was wet when it rained hard.
His house wasn't big enough.
His family wasn't perfect (although his wife and daughter were).
He hadn't enough friends (so he often lamented).
He hadn't barbecued in almost a year.

None of these silly possesions or concerns will worry him again. How sad he couldn't see the bigger more important things to live for. Oddly, his last words were "It's not stuff that matters."

He requests a ceremony with loud music and pulled pork sandwiches topped with coleslaw and pickles.

He also hated big charities. Condolences in the comments please.