shaymus, 70

Mr. Shay (Shaymus) Petty, having spent the better part of his life giving music lessons to dwellers of the White House, especially well-know for giving Bill Clinton saxophone lessons, died aged 70 last Tuesday. He will gladly spend eternity with the sinners.

Born in Green River in 1938, he was the first son of mother Tina and Father Harry whom, in addition to his only sister Trista precede him in death. Spending time in hookah bars was a favorite pastime of his, but ultimately led to his demise while trying to blow the biggest smoke ring in history; an air bubble in bloodstream causing a lethal embolism.

Prior to teaching music in the Whitehouse, he was a teacher and aide to the World Health Organization. He simulataneously held ownership of the Hookah Place on 5th and Main. It was his favorite hangout.

Shaymus O Petty will miss his place in our world.

Mlle. Summer O, 125, saved a peacock

Mlle. Summer O, spent her life saving all living creatures: from misguided, post-rain earthworms on sidewalks to ladybugs clinging to velcro-like sweaters in early Fall, has died aged 125.

Her passion for all things living would eventually result in her death. Blazing the slick streets of Ethete on her moped (she gave up her automobile license at the age of 85 due to significant cognitive impairment), she swerved to miss a breathtakingly beautiful peacock crossing the road. Swerving at a velocity of 30 mph, she spun off of the road, into the canyon and plunged to her death.

She is preceded in death by friends, Kate, an equally dedicated savior of animals and Pete. She is survived by several family members.

At the time of her death, she was a full time student at Central Wyoming College studying advanced animal rescue techniques in the civility branch of the sociology department. When not saving animals, she read, wrote epitaphs for john and jane does, cruised the streets of Ethete on her moped, listened to Comedian Harmonists, played piano and skillfully played nickel slots until she was kicked out of the casino.

That peacock will miss her.

Faerie, 212, real

Queen Fairy of Neverland, 212, vanished willingly to join her best friend Tinkerbell. The ascension was attributed to Peter Pan's claim he no longer believed.

A full time faerie who played joyfully on the isle of Neverland with the Lost Boys. She flew, danced and played piccolo for friends. She was best know for her fantastic ability to dance atop a pansy and her daisy home. She thought her life would be endless, like Peter's.

She only regrets never exercising her ability to mess with "that bastard Peter Pan and his Lost Boys' thoughts."

Faeries are real; this one will be missed.

Traci Hinman, 18, nothin' but love

The village of Hay Springs, Nebraska lost a valued member today. Mme. Traci Hinman, 18, went to the Lord after a skull-crushing base jump failure. She is preceded by her loving parents Doug and Peggy Hinman. She is survived by loving brother and sister David and Danni Jo, Grandma Jean, Dad's three sisters, Mom's three sisters and two dear brothers and all their families. She is also survived by her cherished boyfriend Jace Daly.

At the time of her death she was working on her undergraduate degree at Central Wyoming College. "A hard worker who's compassion was expressed in her thoughtful prose," swollen-eyed Professor Carol Wyong attested. Dr. Wyong was known for her innovative writing assignments; "Traci always rose to the challenge," she said in a proud tone.

Her passions in life were manifold. She loved rodeo, riding horses, the town of Riverton Wyoming, showing 4-H animals, hanging out with her dear friends and loved reading; she loved to learn. She occasionally expressed regret about taking her family and friendships for granted; not being mindful and appreciative. However, no clearer confirmation of the love she had for family and friends was registered than the mournful cries at the closing ceremonies.

She was loved at least as much by all who knew her and will be missed.

Mr. Garrett Nimmo, 18, Roughneck

Mr. Garrett "Sacajawea" Nimmo, 18 set a blazing trail to Hell. Mr. Nimmo searched for black gold and was considered one of the youngest "roughnecks" to work the Texas rigs. He was annointed the special nickname of Lewis and Clark's guide, Sacajawea, because of his innate sense of where to drill. Exxon geochemical engineers would secretly consult the young roughneck in the search of the precious commodity.

At the age of 16, he left the sleepy county seat of Sublette County, Pinedale, to look for action. He wanted to make a difference, raise some hell and vent some anger characteristic of many young men; his anger would eventually lead to his downfall.

He was hired by Exxon at the age of 16 (he forged documents) to lead them to believe he was 18. He did incredibly well working on a rig in the Gulf. He worked hard as a roughneck. However, his special talents, the way he would earn his nickname, was his ability to spot drilling locations. Exxon geoscientists would take him on expeditions in the gulf to aid their search of lucrative oil supplies; Mr. Nimmo had a remarkable sense no one could explain. He declined lucrative bonuses for this skill opting to live the life of a roughneck. He lived to work, work hard.

One night, while on a two day leave from the rig, he and some buddies went to Yaga's Tropical Cafe/Club in Galveston. A swanky place not exactly appropriate for a quick beer, he and friends stormed in demanding a drink. They were practically ambushed by overdressed patrons. Although most of the patrons were easily tossed aside, one in the big brawl brought the boy named Sacajawea to a lethal end with one sturdy shot to the head with a frosted mug. Mr. Nimmo fell.

His fellow roughnecks who survived took care of Yaga's and miss their fellow co-worker.