Gummy, 56. From Handshoe Holler, Dead

Mr. Frank "Gummy" Pearl, 56, was pushed (without much resistance) into the fiery pits of hell.

Mr. Pearl was from the curvey, slippery slopes of the Appalachian Holler by the name of Handshoe. Population 200 (minus 1). The Holler residents were well known for their remarkable ability to sustain themselves and their way of life by simply hunting for selling ginseng root. When the economy of 2008 snapped and the dollar's value decimated, commodities like ginseng became valuable to barter. "Don't need no 'bility to reed 'n rite to get the root," said a close friend of the Pearl family.

Illiteracy did, however, lead to his death. Upon picking up a textbook out of curiosity, he received deep papercuts; the wounds became infected. After weeks of infection, even amputation was deemed too little, too late to stop the spread of the disease. Although no one would publicly claim his body, the folk of Handshoe, it was rumored, stole him from the morgue in the middle of the night in order to bury him next to a fertile area of ginseng root. They felt his body would transform itself into more root in order to sustain the culture.

A hard worker all his life, Gummy did occasionally have his vices. He did enjoy an opportunity to peek at the ladies who showered in the primitive showers of the village. No one really knows if he was being salacious or curious given his questionable sense of hygiene. He only regrets being caught during these efforts.

The gals will still miss him.