King Robert, 101, no parachute

The King

King Robert, after a mere 101 years of noble life, was escorted by the Angels to a quiet place on this day. He lived a mostly reserved day-to-day in the heart of Wyoming, but lusted for the thrills in life. One manifestation of this lust took his life when he suffered fatal blunt force trauma to the skull after a faulty base-jumping run.

King Robert was an avid and experienced parachutist, but due to his old age and frail body, he could't reach the rip-cord to open his parachute, let alone have enough strength to do so if he could reach it. Jumping for thousands of spectators, there were no screams heard by the audience from Robert as he valiantly face-planted into the dirt. His fake teeth flew out of his mouth due to the excessive wind he experienced plunging towards the ground at nearly 65 miles per hour.

He is preceded in death by his ex-wife (the shock of her death practically terminating King Robert) and the rest of his immediate and extended family, and way too many friends. He outlived every damn one of them.

Robert occupied a vast array of occupations during his supreme reign on earth. He served in the U.S. Army as an infantry sniper and subsequently as an explosives specialist surviving three combat tours, was a correctional officer, and for the later part of his life, was a psychologist.

His friends are looking forward to his arrival.