shaymus, 70

Mr. Shay (Shaymus) Petty, having spent the better part of his life giving music lessons to dwellers of the White House, especially well-know for giving Bill Clinton saxophone lessons, died aged 70 last Tuesday. He will gladly spend eternity with the sinners.

Born in Green River in 1938, he was the first son of mother Tina and Father Harry whom, in addition to his only sister Trista precede him in death. Spending time in hookah bars was a favorite pastime of his, but ultimately led to his demise while trying to blow the biggest smoke ring in history; an air bubble in bloodstream causing a lethal embolism.

Prior to teaching music in the Whitehouse, he was a teacher and aide to the World Health Organization. He simulataneously held ownership of the Hookah Place on 5th and Main. It was his favorite hangout.

Shaymus O Petty will miss his place in our world.

Mlle. Summer O, 125, saved a peacock

Mlle. Summer O, spent her life saving all living creatures: from misguided, post-rain earthworms on sidewalks to ladybugs clinging to velcro-like sweaters in early Fall, has died aged 125.

Her passion for all things living would eventually result in her death. Blazing the slick streets of Ethete on her moped (she gave up her automobile license at the age of 85 due to significant cognitive impairment), she swerved to miss a breathtakingly beautiful peacock crossing the road. Swerving at a velocity of 30 mph, she spun off of the road, into the canyon and plunged to her death.

She is preceded in death by friends, Kate, an equally dedicated savior of animals and Pete. She is survived by several family members.

At the time of her death, she was a full time student at Central Wyoming College studying advanced animal rescue techniques in the civility branch of the sociology department. When not saving animals, she read, wrote epitaphs for john and jane does, cruised the streets of Ethete on her moped, listened to Comedian Harmonists, played piano and skillfully played nickel slots until she was kicked out of the casino.

That peacock will miss her.

Faerie, 212, real

Queen Fairy of Neverland, 212, vanished willingly to join her best friend Tinkerbell. The ascension was attributed to Peter Pan's claim he no longer believed.

A full time faerie who played joyfully on the isle of Neverland with the Lost Boys. She flew, danced and played piccolo for friends. She was best know for her fantastic ability to dance atop a pansy and her daisy home. She thought her life would be endless, like Peter's.

She only regrets never exercising her ability to mess with "that bastard Peter Pan and his Lost Boys' thoughts."

Faeries are real; this one will be missed.

Traci Hinman, 18, nothin' but love

The village of Hay Springs, Nebraska lost a valued member today. Mme. Traci Hinman, 18, went to the Lord after a skull-crushing base jump failure. She is preceded by her loving parents Doug and Peggy Hinman. She is survived by loving brother and sister David and Danni Jo, Grandma Jean, Dad's three sisters, Mom's three sisters and two dear brothers and all their families. She is also survived by her cherished boyfriend Jace Daly.

At the time of her death she was working on her undergraduate degree at Central Wyoming College. "A hard worker who's compassion was expressed in her thoughtful prose," swollen-eyed Professor Carol Wyong attested. Dr. Wyong was known for her innovative writing assignments; "Traci always rose to the challenge," she said in a proud tone.

Her passions in life were manifold. She loved rodeo, riding horses, the town of Riverton Wyoming, showing 4-H animals, hanging out with her dear friends and loved reading; she loved to learn. She occasionally expressed regret about taking her family and friendships for granted; not being mindful and appreciative. However, no clearer confirmation of the love she had for family and friends was registered than the mournful cries at the closing ceremonies.

She was loved at least as much by all who knew her and will be missed.

Mr. Garrett Nimmo, 18, Roughneck

Mr. Garrett "Sacajawea" Nimmo, 18 set a blazing trail to Hell. Mr. Nimmo searched for black gold and was considered one of the youngest "roughnecks" to work the Texas rigs. He was annointed the special nickname of Lewis and Clark's guide, Sacajawea, because of his innate sense of where to drill. Exxon geochemical engineers would secretly consult the young roughneck in the search of the precious commodity.

At the age of 16, he left the sleepy county seat of Sublette County, Pinedale, to look for action. He wanted to make a difference, raise some hell and vent some anger characteristic of many young men; his anger would eventually lead to his downfall.

He was hired by Exxon at the age of 16 (he forged documents) to lead them to believe he was 18. He did incredibly well working on a rig in the Gulf. He worked hard as a roughneck. However, his special talents, the way he would earn his nickname, was his ability to spot drilling locations. Exxon geoscientists would take him on expeditions in the gulf to aid their search of lucrative oil supplies; Mr. Nimmo had a remarkable sense no one could explain. He declined lucrative bonuses for this skill opting to live the life of a roughneck. He lived to work, work hard.

One night, while on a two day leave from the rig, he and some buddies went to Yaga's Tropical Cafe/Club in Galveston. A swanky place not exactly appropriate for a quick beer, he and friends stormed in demanding a drink. They were practically ambushed by overdressed patrons. Although most of the patrons were easily tossed aside, one in the big brawl brought the boy named Sacajawea to a lethal end with one sturdy shot to the head with a frosted mug. Mr. Nimmo fell.

His fellow roughnecks who survived took care of Yaga's and miss their fellow co-worker.

King Jonas Arthur Cloud Tip, 37

King Jonas Arthur "Ping Pong" Cloud Tip, 37, from Ethete swam to the Heavens of the Riverton Aquatic Center. The always mischievous King Tip lifted a pack of cigarettes (he didn't even smoke) from the Pitstop, was chased by the clerk, slipped on some black ice and collided into a speeding school bus. He was dead on impact.

He was preceded in death by his two cousins, J.P. Brown and Romulus; he is survived by his faithful beagles, Ping and Pong.

A savant and wealthy, his still worked as a paper boy. Delivering papers in the pre-dawn hours allowed him time to think of new ideas for his novels. On the other side of the daylight hours, he enjoyed hanging out in the evening smoking pinters and getting drunk on Wild Turkey with his cousins. Considered by many to be absolutely brilliant, his time spent writing was fruitless. He never finished a novel.

His characters will miss never having been fully developed.

Mrs. Rumor Hassit, Karmic Death

Rumor Hassit, 50, Gossipville, spoken ill of to death. She is survived by her killers; relatives of the people damaged by Mrs. Hassit's words. They comprised a mob who tossed her onto the third rail of the Wonderland MBTA Station just outside of Boston in the city of Revere.

She would be considered by many to be a woman of few hobbies, but Mrs. Hassit was busy from eyes opened until eyes shut firing up the rumor mill of all who crossed her path. She was treacherously relentless in her pursuit of pain.

Her epitaph:

Never Met a Sole Unworthy of her
Sullen Tones of Sloppy Slander
Those Bastards Deserved
Every Damn Word

She will be missed by no man.

Lacey Jane Glenn, 95, BINGO no more

Lacey Jane Glenn, 95, taken by The One on the way to Bingo. She is preceded in death by her loving husband of 35 years, Zeke Glenn, her loving and only son, a beautiful belly-dancing daughter and survived by hundreds of students who idolized her.

Lacey's lengthy tour on earth was fruitful. Born and raised in Saratoga Wyoming, Lacey's favorite place to go, meditate and gain strength from the hectic pace of life was Saratoga's famous Hobo Hot Pool. In her younger and more adventurous days, she'd meet friends there in the middle of the night after sneaking out of her home and indulge in the hot pool au naturel. On one of these naughty escapades, she met an equally adventurous boy. She managed to steal his shorts and only would give them back if he asked her to the movies. That boy was Zeke. The two dated for many years and eventually made a family.

Lacey's safe persona was a preschool teacher. Her playful ways won over the children immediately but she could not suppress her provocative and sometimes exhibitionist side. It manifested in her belly dancing part-time job. "It was never for the money," she giggled as she provided her life story several years ago to a local reporter.

As she aged and suffered through the deaths of those close to her, at the age of 75, started a nudist commune. It was wildly successful but kept surprisingly secret in Carbon County. There she taught belly dancing, set up rodeo exhibitions, wheelchair racing, drank JD black and was conspicuously lucky at Bingo. She occasionally performed stand up comedy for the commune; she was especially proud of her body, which was lovely into her elder years. Her surviving commune buddies vehemently attested to this fact (standing behind the days headlines as they spoke, offering a salute - of sorts).

Nothing will be quite the same without her.

Gummy, 56. From Handshoe Holler, Dead

Mr. Frank "Gummy" Pearl, 56, was pushed (without much resistance) into the fiery pits of hell.

Mr. Pearl was from the curvey, slippery slopes of the Appalachian Holler by the name of Handshoe. Population 200 (minus 1). The Holler residents were well known for their remarkable ability to sustain themselves and their way of life by simply hunting for selling ginseng root. When the economy of 2008 snapped and the dollar's value decimated, commodities like ginseng became valuable to barter. "Don't need no 'bility to reed 'n rite to get the root," said a close friend of the Pearl family.

Illiteracy did, however, lead to his death. Upon picking up a textbook out of curiosity, he received deep papercuts; the wounds became infected. After weeks of infection, even amputation was deemed too little, too late to stop the spread of the disease. Although no one would publicly claim his body, the folk of Handshoe, it was rumored, stole him from the morgue in the middle of the night in order to bury him next to a fertile area of ginseng root. They felt his body would transform itself into more root in order to sustain the culture.

A hard worker all his life, Gummy did occasionally have his vices. He did enjoy an opportunity to peek at the ladies who showered in the primitive showers of the village. No one really knows if he was being salacious or curious given his questionable sense of hygiene. He only regrets being caught during these efforts.

The gals will still miss him.

Mrs. Brady S. Lane, will be 97 when dead in 3005

Mrs. Brandy S. Lane, 97, Riverton, Wyoming, taken by the Angels (reluctantly). Mrs. Lane was walking out of her doublewide at the B&K Mobile Home Park to get the morning paper, she was ambushed and mauled by a pack of rabid wiener dogs on March 22, 3005.

Mrs. Lane is survived in death by 3 daughters and a son. Ginger Snap Bach, Mary Lilly Bach, Daisy Dill Bach and Timothy Don Bach. She is also survived by her loving husband Timothy Bach old, he is the caretaker for their 27 wiener dogs, Maddie, Elly, Pickle, Blueberry, Orange, Apple, Carrot, Ann, Abby, Pinky, Purple, Ethan, Chubaca, Elmo, Cookie, Roger, Billy, Fefe, Foofoo, LooLoo, LaLa, Buggy, Patty, Flower, Money, Pookie, and Fluffy.

After several years of college, Brandy Lane became a nurse for the largest children's hospital in the country, the Texas Children's Hospital. She worked as a nurse until her 80th bitchday. She then retired, some say due to early onset dementia, and became obsessed with the care of wiener dogs. She loved to frolic with her little friends, to knit them mittens (108 of them), join them in the tv room to watch old black and white movies (101 Dalmations), and bake them cookies.

She was best known for her work in the children's hosptal; in her local community she was reknown for 27 wiener dogs. She was once interviewed in a segment of 60 minutes by Leslie Stall. She was the only one laughing when Cookie peed on Ms. Stall's shoes during the interview.

She shared her long, long, very long life with her husband Tim Bach and her many damn dogs. She was a very happy and wacky old woman. She would look out her window and scare all the children that walked by screaming at them. She didn't have many friends after she hit the age of 90 because she scared the living shit out of everyone. How her husband could stand her, we have no damn idea. She was cherished by her canine buddies, her children, and her husband, as
freaskishly as it may sound.

That old hag will be missed.

Craig Koger, 92, rests with the Indian Lords

Craig "Little Big Man" Koger, 92, went to the sky with the Indian Lords.

He is preceded in death by his beautiful 94 year old girlfriend Jessica, his loving family; mother Echo 128 years old, father John 128 years old, sister Kendra 89 years old, and brother Thain 86 years old. Of course there was also the two nurses (who will remain anonymous).

Mr. Koger only worked one year out of his life as a slot machine player when he was 24. His hometown newspaper, the weekly Platte County Record Times claimed he inherited his fortune of 10 million dollars and retired from the casino.

He bought the Playboy Mansion with the extra coin and he settled in the mansion. Soon thereafter, he developed an insatiable appetite for Viagra; it was offered throughout the mansion like dinner mints at a restaurant. His "very loving" self finally met his match. Thoroughly enjoying an evening with his two nubile nurses, most of the blood in his body flowed purposefully to the body part demanding it the most - leaving him with barely a trickle to maintain the rest of his frail frame. He passed smiling. Had he known how to count beyond ménage à trois, he would've gone in an even more grand fashion.

It was his only regret.

The Savior, 90

Lord Theodore Huntsman "The Savior" Haworth, 90, taken by angels; he was slayed in battle by the Great Beast Dantaevil. Preceded in death by Hank Haworth, Helen McCrory and survived by not one single individual.

He loved video games, reading, acting, D&D, watching anime and D&D. He once rescued thousands from a gateway opened to oblivion that released millions of blood thirsty Daedra.

Varkun, High King of Arcadia, once believed dead smiled upon finding out of his death.

Mrs. Hicks, 98, died of sadness

Mrs. Hicks and family

Mrs. Jessica Ann Hicks, preceded in death by her husband of 45 years withered of inconsolable sorrow at the age of 98. She went to join her other friends who had already proceeded "down there;" they decided Hell is where they where going because of stuff they had done. "It's going to be one big party," Mrs. Hicks would've rejoiced. She is survived by five grandchildren and two great grandchildren.

Living close to Evanston, Wyoming, she and her husband went to Bear River State Park often to enjoy kayaking in their custom-built duo kayak.

An accountant by day in Evanston at Cameron & Associates, she was a great worker, but, more importantly, a great friend, fun and partied tirelessly in her younger days. She was a model mother and loving grandmother.

In her later, wiser years, she loved to travel and do all the crazy things younger people do. Her most recent romps took her cliff diving in Cancun. Her favorite thing to do was go sky diving because she could see everything and it was always so different. She was mindful in many aspects of her life.

On her deathbed, she admitted her greatest regret is she would not witness watching her grandchildren mature to the charitable adults she knew they would be.

They will miss her most.

King Robert, 101, no parachute

The King

King Robert, after a mere 101 years of noble life, was escorted by the Angels to a quiet place on this day. He lived a mostly reserved day-to-day in the heart of Wyoming, but lusted for the thrills in life. One manifestation of this lust took his life when he suffered fatal blunt force trauma to the skull after a faulty base-jumping run.

King Robert was an avid and experienced parachutist, but due to his old age and frail body, he could't reach the rip-cord to open his parachute, let alone have enough strength to do so if he could reach it. Jumping for thousands of spectators, there were no screams heard by the audience from Robert as he valiantly face-planted into the dirt. His fake teeth flew out of his mouth due to the excessive wind he experienced plunging towards the ground at nearly 65 miles per hour.

He is preceded in death by his ex-wife (the shock of her death practically terminating King Robert) and the rest of his immediate and extended family, and way too many friends. He outlived every damn one of them.

Robert occupied a vast array of occupations during his supreme reign on earth. He served in the U.S. Army as an infantry sniper and subsequently as an explosives specialist surviving three combat tours, was a correctional officer, and for the later part of his life, was a psychologist.

His friends are looking forward to his arrival.

Monsieur Carpberd, 26, Impaled

Monsieur Stoney H. "Sronez" Carpberd, 26 went straight to hell on All Hallowed Eve in the year 2006. Hailed from Houston, Texas, M. Carpberd died in a horrific and most improbable manner. Dusk of that evening found Sronez, his friends called him, engaged in a round of combat at a local construction site. While running to shoot one of his fellow sweaty, muscular enemies, he ran and stumbled into a pile of new, but hardening concrete. Unfortunately, erected from the hardening concrete was a massive, steel rod of rebar. His uzi airsoft immediately spewed all over the site as he was tragically impaled. He was awake for a brief but painful period in which all that could be heard was his screams for help; his friends just watching him lay on the ground, the rebar fixed to his head. Police were called to the scene, but it was too late, he choked on his blood. His spirit still lays there where his body was impaled.

M. Carpberd liked girls and guys. His friends admired his guns (his airsoft guns). He loved the simple things in life, walks on beaches, his relationships, his affinity for both sexes, even his emotional self he allowed to cry occasionally during sunsets. He regrets not having the time to explore and enjoy his relationships (and improving his grammar skills).

He will be missed by all.

Kitten Killer, 666

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Originally uploaded by johannes asgeir

King "The Kitten Killer" Caines' disgustingly long life ended today at 666. The King was legendary around El Dorado. Rumored to have had 12 wives and countless children, all preceding him in death, he was plagued his entire life by a personal insecurity resulting from his barely visible bit of manhood.

In order to seek relief from this insecurity, he engaged in many hobbies: gambling, bballing, XBOX (he especially fancied) and watching too much television. He was somewhat obsessed with Craig's Mom, but she wouldn't have him (for obvious reasons).

Poor grammar, poor spelling and micro-manhood notwithstanding, he may be missed.

Jerry the Racer, 27, Dead

Mr. Jerry T. "42" Racecar drove one too many miles last night. Friends gathered by the I-40/S.R. 32 split where he met death. His Coddington-modified exclusive Mustang tragically flipped 20 times sliding off an interstate during a blizzard. The gang of friends wore a slight grin for the memory of their friend. They knew he liked to mix drink and his driving, but they also knew he was born to drive and knew he would never die old. "42 lived the way he wanted. Now he died the way he wanted" said a close friend of the family with a look as if he had known what was going to happen that sad day.

Friends and family agreed he was an amazing guy. He had a good balance. 'Could sit for hours tending his low 'n slow 'q, pick up a shotgun occasionally and down a couple squirrels while on his farm; stay mellow a stretch of 12 hours at a time. But, when he got the itch, he up and proceeded to his prized Coddington mod ... he was another man.

42's consolation? He'll be meeting up with his (racing) manager and his trophy wife, country singer and model, Betsy Clements. She will now be standing by her man, his Comfort and the Lord.

Later 42.

Russell Rogers, 22, Gloriously to Hell

Mr. Russell "Willis" Rogers from scenic Riverton, Wyoming was killed today, November 14, 2008. Willis, his friends called him, was quiet. The way Willis liked it.

Ironically, Mr. Rogers, had a lifelong fascination with the culture and fighting tactics of the Ninja. Friends recounted his horrific death that occurred this morning. They were reading the footage from Russ' webcam that caught the entire event. Russ had been playing WoW at a friend's loft most of last night and fell asleep on the couch; he never made it to bed. He was awaken by some noises at the window. Within seconds, he was engaged in an attack with a gang of ninja warriors (visiting Riverton for a conference). In an unprecedented move, one of the clan broke from the traditional fighting techniques and tossed a martini (dry) at Russ and chased it with a small torch. He was immediately engulfed in flames. All a blaze, Russ dropped and rolled in an attempt to put himself out. It was then he slid out of the window of his friend's loft and went plummeting to his death. Had his friend's loft not been on the 40th floor, Russ may have lived since his initial impact was on a pile of trash in a passing sanitation truck. However, if he was alive on impact, all probability of his survival was destroyed as the truck's impacter was activated upon contact. Organs that had been ejected from his body were scattered about the street. The outlines of the organs made by CSI staff amused small children. Their laughter would've made Russ smile.

Riverton will be less without him.

Michelle, 293, Strong Charitable Woman of the Ages

Michelle at the age of approximately 85

Michelle, 293 glorious years of age was finally taken by the angels in the evening, Thursday, November 13 the year 2008 ad.

Michelle was unfortunately eaten by a pack of rabid dingos while traveling in the uninhabited desert of southern Austraillia. The specific cause of death is still unknown, but irrelevant. Her remains were converted to ash before sunset of the same day as the attack.

She is preceded in death by four dingos who fell in the battle, her great grandmother who trained her in the art of the sword fighting, two uncles and three cats.

For fourteen years, Michelle worked as a guide leading unintelligent people through the wilderness. She once fought off wild boars to save a group of elderly people who were backpacking in India. Another time, her bravery was demonstrated when she fought a crocodile to save a small child who had come too close and wanted to look at its teeth. Michelle worked in numerous occupations throughout her 293 years. Perhaps the most memorable was her stint as a pirate where she pillaged and plundered as she sailed around the Pacific.

She was passionate about kayaking, climbing, backpacking, rock climbing, and wind surfing.

At her ceremony, her family proudly spoke of her successful journey to the center of the earth which was completed at the grand old age of 104; at 28, she replicated the journey of Bilbo Baggins and fought off numerous orcs and trolls.

A tad of guilt will follow her since she forgot to give her dog its supper a day prior to her death. Perhaps it was him who told the dingos to go on the rampage; no one will never know.

William "BJ" Young, 23 took own precious life

William "BJ" Young found solace when he "jumped the fence" Tuesday November 11, leaving the world too soon. Only 23, most recently residing in Tennessee, sadly, he took his own life. "BJ was loved by his friends and anyone who came to in for a drink," said Jack McGlinty, owner of The Black Horse Pub & Brewery in Knoxville when asked about his former bartender. "He didn't just do his job, he listened to the customers as if they were kin. He had his problems with drugs and liked his drink a bit too much, but he was special - and anyone coming to the bar knew it" Jack continued welling up a bit at times. William Young, baptised in the Sacred Heart Parish, Effingham, IL; he will likely do a brief stint in purgatory before joining the Lord.

Fare thee well Mr. Young.

Mrs. Margaret "Marg" Georgianna Rodrigo, 41

Mrs. Margaret "Marg" Georgianna Rodrigo, 41, of Baltimore, Maryland went to Purgatory today. Margaret Leaves behind two children a son; Anthony Wood III, a Daughter; Kurstein Wood, Husband; Francis Rodrigo, Mother: Mary Baker, Sister's Robin Reed, Lillian Smith, Brenda Overnton, Karen Chaney, Brother's James Smith Jr, Clifton Reed Jr., Neil Baker Jr., Eight Nephews, five Nieces, seven great nephews, three great nieces, one great great niece, three chihuahuas, one collie, one lab, two Amazon Blue Front Parrots, and four unhatched eggs. She will also be missed by two wild Squirrels in the yard, a slew of black crows and rabbits who fed at her garden.

Marg was mauled by a pack of rabid wiener dogs while protecting her chihuahuas from being attacked. She is preceded in death by her father Neil Baker Sr., sister Mary Alt, nephew Timothy Barber, aunts Vivian Eure, Gracie Arrington and Grandmothers Margaret Boner and Georgianna Arrington.

Margaret was a certified medical assistant for 18 years and worked for many medical clinics and hospitals, she was a giver. Margaret also took classes in sign language to help her in the medical field.

She was passionate about drawing, but her favorite thing to do was collect swords, shields, armor and skulls from the Mideviel and Renaissance era. She was best known for being the joker or clown. Most of her friends would call her crazy. Who knows, maybe she was.

Margaret only had one regret; that she was not invited to her father's service who she was very close to. I remember her saying she would take that to the grave. No one knew why Margaret and her Mother were not invited, it was not like they were estranged or maybe not liked. Only one person could answer that question, but it is too late now. The Bible says an eye for an eye or maybe karma will come around.

Margaret left no money to pay for funeral and inheritance. If she did were still looking for it. If anyone knows, please let the parrots know because they only talk to Robin.

Matthew Gester, 43, bear accident

Mr. Matthew Gester, 43, from Norwood, Massachusetts went straight to fucking hell today this 31st day of May 2008. Malled to death by an escaped circus bear. He is preceded in death by his wife and children. A Professional writer by trade he enjoyed hiking, skiing and artistry. Ironic that he was best known for the means by which he was killed; eaten by a escaped circus bear. Why oh why did Matthew go hiking that day?

Logam, 12

Prince James "Logam" St. James died - kind of - at the tender age of 12 years old. Logam was shot by a firing squad; he did survive but was later punched repeatedly in the face until his head caved in leading to his death. St. James was born and grew up in SPringsdaletonberg, England. He joined his father, his father's father and his father's, father's father, who all preceded him. Logam, advanced for his years, was Prince of all he surveyed and participated in decadent activities no commoner could conceive of. He regrets nothing damnit!

Shannon, 30

Mlle. Shannon Vaughn, 30 of Greenville, North Carolina went to the Lord on March 16, 2008.

A brutally hard worker, as all high school teachers are, Shannon was dedicated to her students. She taught English at D. H. Conley High School always taking time to create lesson plans as unique as the curriculum would allow. Once she created a crossover lesson plan combining the experimental physics with a writing exercise address the inadequacy of most scientists' writing. It was efforts like this she was most remembered for and efforts like this that created stress to the point it manifested as an unknown disease. She was hospitalized and died during the night while with many family members. Her students, whom she was so dedicated, will miss her as much as family. Her commitment was unrivaled by anyone at Conley.

She will join Pookie, her cherished Pug, in the afterlife. They will romp the fields and Pookie will poop wherever he wants while they frolic.

She wished she could have disengaged a bit more from the creative lesson plan preparation and the concern she had for students' lives, but little did she realize realized her efforts were appreciated more than she imagined. There were several hundred students at the funeral. It was a short but rich life.

Bammie Did it Her Way, 114

After the earth orbited the sun one hundred fourteen times, Bammie "Dame Mimmy" gracefully hovered from enlightenment to Enlightenment where she will join and be welcomed by those who preceded her. She is now in the company of St. Nancy and Paul F. Esquire who arrived a few months ago to start the celebration.

While dancing with her dark, mysterious lover in the shadows of a moonlit tower in Emillia Romagna, she took a fall resulting in a fatal skull fracture.

Bammie may have been considered a bad girl in her youth, but by the time she was older, she commanded respect and love from all who knew her. Notably, she was a loving mother to two beautiful children and cherished friend to anyone who took the time to know her; Thelma will miss her dearly.

She was a strong woman of many pursuits. A tireless writer, her work peaked with the inspirational bestseller "Hot Girl Soup: The Good Girl's Guide to Being Bad in Your 30's and 40's." And, oh was she bad. The highly acclaimed novel was believed by critics to have transformed a generation of "not quite mid-lifers" into women of extraordinary strength who claimed their well-deserved power and made the world more loving, peaceful and harmonious. At least, that's what she thoroughly believed while sipping wine and smoking on the beach dangling her feet in the gentle surf with Thelma.

"In the great centre of cosmic creation, where all is bliss, no words are necessary, and there is only LOVE."

Lord Michale Radcliffe, 277

Lord Michale "Lord Mike" Radcliffe pissed one too many times. Lord Mike hailed from the lush land of Nelson B.C. Canada and after many years proceeded to go straight to hell.

Lord Radcliffe lived a full life. A damn full life of two hundred and seventy seven years. Although he was passionate about the lush green and mountainous terrain of his hometown of Nelson B.C., he became a bit adventurous at the age of a spry 150 and decided to pursue his lifelong desire to head south to the U.S. of A. There he made a second successful living in Utah as a toymaker. He met and married Melissa, and with her, started the toy company Melissa and Doug.

After the passing of Melissa, he yearned for his hometown and returned to Canada. Never satisfied in one location for long, and at a creaky age and barely continent, he fled to the U.S. again. Since the Patriot Act was passed, paperwork was more carefully evaluated at the border. Feeling rushed after a long life, he decided to hop the fence. A real fence. In the last two decades of his life, the U.S. had been entirely encircled with an electrified chain link fence. The unfortunate confluence of his age-related bladder problems, having just smoked a bit and crossing the fence led to his demise. He urinated on the fence and the shock raced back and ...

He knew how to rile even the border patrol. He and his crazy spirit will be sorely missed. Farewell Lord Michale.

Samantha "Samy" Wright, 18

Ms. Samantha "Samy" Wright 18 of the quirky-cool Grants Pass Oregon will be reincarnated - eventually - as a Siberian tiger. She was taken from her hometown at a tender young age when her skull was crushed as a tragic result of a parachute malfunction while base jumping in the Rogue Valley area. Her corpse drifted down the Rogue River until it was snagged in the rapids where it was discovered by a tour of whitewater rafting nuns. They said a Rosary immediately.

Samantha was a vivacious participant in her school's color guard. She was especially adept at twirling flags. Hardly pretentious, but she couldn't resist showing her skills by spinning sabers and rifles on occasion. She became so good at her discipline, she became a well-respected coach. "She didn't just lead, she inspired." remarked several of her trainees. She was also on track to begin studies at the University of California this Fall where she would pursue a broad range of studies to learn "lots about lots" without being too narrowly bound intellectually. She loved to learn.

Her love of learning was rivaled only by her passion for bringing fun to others, even when it was sometimes challenging to do so. Taking friends out to dance, snowboard or shopping were daily routines for Samy. She and her friends always had memorable times.

Looking back on her brief but special life, she was happy to know how many lives she touched and made better by her existence. She only wished she could appreciate how special the gifts she brought to this life were. She will be missed by many.

Natalie, 108

Natalie was grateful to die of old age. She was really, really old. 108 years.

Her life was good. She was thankful for many things. Born February 8, 1900 and died February 14, 2008 in the lush, green hills of Greensburg, Pennsylvania, she is survived by the grace of God.

Natalie was more intelligent than her lack of scholarly awards would suggest. Although she stayed at home, she maintained her thin lithe frame by being engaged and industrious in everything life had to offer only taking brief breaks to speak on the phone. Her home was always spotless.

Never married. She was an active member of the First Church of God In Christ in Greensburg; despite her strong faith she often let people into her life and enjoyed watching their reaction when she told them she was a virgin. Her spelling was awful. She will be dearly missed.

Nissan James, 44

Found dead in Vancouver, Canada. Born in Mexico City. Allegedly shot and killed because of his friendship with the rapper "fisko23."

Born March 18th 1978. Survived by his only child Levi Castelan and his 3rd wife the Mexican actress Camila Sodi. Earned a Degree in psychology and language teaching. Buddhist. Producer, composer and bass guitarist with mexican death-metal band "Belibette" whose 5th record remained number 1 for seven months.

Co-founder member and bass player of the undergound grind-metal band "Kannabiscerdos". 1st wife, Areli Morales. 2nd wife, Cyntia Yossette. He tried to find "the truth of it all" and died trying.

Annie Bell Jordan, 85

Born Aug. 1923, departed her life on Jan 31,2008 at Heartstone Memorial Hospital, Summerdale, AL.

She leaves to mourn 2 daughters, Irene Williams of Mobile, AL. and Alice Perkins of Elizabehtown, N.C., 1 devoted son Freeman Henderson of Sprucesprings, AL., 6 Grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren. A host of nieces and nephews, relatives and friends.

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
EVEN THOUGH WE CAN NOT TOUCH YOU ANYMORE, YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.
WE MAY NOT SEE YOUR SMILE AGAIN, YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.
YOU HAVE MOVED ON TO THAT WONDERFUL PLACE WHERE WE WILL ALL MEET
AGAIN; GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN!